- I went for a massage,
give us a cheer if you've ever been for a massage?
(audience cheers)
Do you know, I don't like it, I like the bit at the end
where I feel all floppy and relaxed,
that bit where I'm like, I might never wear a bra again.
(audience laughing)
I don't like the actual activity itself,
I feel very uncomfortable being in front of a stranger,
just in my pants, so what happens, is I book the massage,
I get so stressed and tense on the buildup to the massage
that the best she can do at the massage
is get me back down to the level of stress I was at,
before I booked the massage.
(audience laughing)
Now one thing they do in those appointments
that I don't like is when they teach you how to breathe.
They do that don't they?
Like I'm 41, the breathing's been going pretty well thanks.
(audience laughing)
But they do that don't they, they go,
and breathe in, (inhales).
(Sarah exhales)
(audience laughing)
And breathe out, I could have died, I could have died.
(audience laughing)
If I'd have waited for her.
The last massage I had, she said,
this is an aroma therapy massage, I said, that's correct.
She said, I've got three different oils,
I want you to smell each one, pick the one you like the best
and we'll use that one, I said, champion.
So she unscrewed the lid off the first one,
she wafted it in front of my nose,
I said, is that eucalyptus, eucalyptus is it?
Eucalyptus, like a menthol, like a menthol?
Is it menthol, is it menthol, is it menthol?
Is it like a mint, is it mint, is it mint?
Is it mint, is it mint?
She said, you don't have to guess what it is.
(audience laughing)
Second one, she wafted it in front of my nose,
I said, is that lemon, is it lemon, is it lemon?
Is it lemon, is it like a citrus, like a citrus?
Like a citrus, like a citrus, like a citrus?
Like a general sort of citrus?
Is it grapefruit, is it grapefruit?
She said, it's not a quiz.
(audience laughing)
Third one, she wafted it in front of my nose.
And I did like it, but I didn't know what it was,
and I said, I'll have that one.
She said, good, she read the label on the bottle,
she said, that's happy.
And I thought, no, it was never gonna win the quiz was I?
(audience laughing)
Now my worst bit of a massage is the bit,
in a full body massage,
where they make your turnover on the table,
'cause the tables are very narrow and I am not.
(audience laughing)
What they do is hold the towel up don't they?
So you can flubber, flubber, flubber over, in private,
or so I thought, the last one I had, she held the towel up,
I flubber, flubber, flubbered over,
I was almost in position when our eyes locked
in the mirrored wall at the end of the room.
(audience laughing)
My friend said to me, that's not my worst bit of a massage,
I said, what's your worst bit?
She said, I don't like the bit where they
pull your knickers down a little bit.
I said, well, they'd have to do that with me,
otherwise they wouldn't get half my back.
(audience laughing)
But I went for a massage with friend of mine,
and we were in the waiting area
and the woman came out and she said, ladies, ladies, ladies,
just to let you know that on staff today,
we have a male massage therapist,
and I was wondering if either of you would mind?
And my friend went, I'll have him.
(audience laughing)
And I said to her afterwards, I said, look,
you're single, you can always have the bloke if you want,
but just let her finish her question first.
(audience laughing)
Maybe leave it a second and then say,
I suppose I don't mind, rather than, I'll have him.
(audience laughing)
She came out of this massage with this huge beaming smile
on her face, I said, was it a good massage?
She said, oh yeah, I said, that's good.
She said, I felt his erection.
Now we take turns to pay and it was my turn,
I thought I'm not paying if she's on extras.
(audience laughing)
I said, you felt his erection?
She said, yes, on me elbow.
Now I don't know what your elbows are like,
but mine is like rhino skin.
(audience laughing)
I'd be hard pushed to tell hot from cold with mine.
That would be an excellent game show, wouldn't it?
Cock or not, cock or not?
(audience laughing)
One thing I don't like, and this might come across
overly mean, I hope it doesn't,
but it might come across that way.
I don't like a skinny massage therapist,
the one I use at the moment is about my size,
maybe a little bit bigger,
I don't like the skinny ones.
They've never said anything to me,
but in my mind, when they're massaging me,
they're doing this, eurgh, eurgh, eurgh, eurgh.
(audience laughing)
Gonna need more time, it's a bigger surface area.
(audience laughing)
But the whole time I'm being massaged,
there's an inner monologue going on up here.
Outside I'm the picture of composure,
but in here it's going crazy,
and it depends on where she starts.
So if she starts at the bottom, I'd be like,
oh, tickly feet, tickly feet, tickly,
oh, she's gone up to a bit where I've got broken veins,
I don't like that bit, oh, too close to my fanny,
too close to my fanny, too close to my fanny.
(audience laughing)
So I'm lying there, covered in happy.
(audience laughing)
It's a very different version of Snow White
than where used to, yes?
(audience laughing)
And the massage ends, and she did what they always do,
she put it on like a chocolate voice,
they always do this, don't they?
And she said, just relax, there's plenty of time,
there's no need for you to rush, please just stay relaxed,
there's so much time, just want you to stay relaxed,
there's no need for you to, please just stay relaxed.
What she didn't know,
is that I've been dying for a fart for 40 minutes.
(audience laughing)
The door has barely clicked shut when I let out the loudest,
most tromboniest fart you've ever heard in your life.
Remember, I was covered in oil.
(audience laughing)
It was like the Salvation Army band had popped in.
(audience laughing)
And I'm right in the middle of potentially the best fart
of my life, when she came back in with a glass of water.
(audience laughing)
and I half expected her to go, is that curry?
is it curry, is it curry, is that curry?
Is it curry, is that curry?
(audience cheers)
And if she had, I'd have gone, no love, that's happy.
Hello, ts Sarah Millican here.
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