[MUSIC]
[APPLAUSE] >> My parents,
Tom and Judy met in college, got married at age 23,
and have been together ever since.
So I guess I thought this how the formula worked.
You find someone young, plug in that unknown variable as X and
out spits Y happily ever after.
>> [LAUGH] >> So given that I just
turned 30 this month, I thought I'd have it all figured out by now.
I come home for the holidays and I have one brother, Yates that's married with two
kids and another brother, Pierce that's married with two kids and six
weddings scheduled for this year and I'm feeling a small amount of panic mounting.
Or claustrophobia, like walls of my youth or uterus are closing in on me.
Now this is no pity party, I'm a smart succesful woman.
I'm sophisticated yet scrappy when I need to be.
I'm well connected but don't take myself too seriously.
And I'm by no means trying to sell myself here.
The truth is I've been dating ever since the fifth grade.
Why haven't I figured this all out yet?
>> [LAUGH]
>> I asked the person who knows me best
what my greatest weakness is, and
my mom replied you live in denial
that choices must be made.
And she's right.
But choosing a life partner, it's a pretty daunting choice.
I mean maybe Cinderella only married Prince Charming
because she didn't meet Prince Eric first.
>> [LAUGH] >> Look at that stud muffin.
I decided to dive into the research, and
I stumbled upon the Stanford marshmallow experiment.
In this study, if a kid can resist the smaller prize,
one marshmallow, he'll get a bigger reward later.
Two marshmallows.
All I'm saying is, I'm holding out for my two marshmallows.
>> [LAUGH] >> Here's how I break down
my dating prospects.
On the x axis, I measure long term viability,
which I call the penguin's axis, because penguins mate for life.
Is this guy good to bring home to the parents?
Total penguin, on the y axis [LAUGH] on the y axis
I measure how excited I am about someone, so
I call that the butterflies axis.
Do I get nervous every time I send and receive a text?
Definite butterflies.
So, as previewed, I'm a teacher, I want to fill this graph with examples.
Like US Presidents.
Bottom right quadrant you'd have someone who is high penguin but low butterflies.
Danger, I might be settling.
>> [LAUGH] >> Jimmy Carter.
Really nice guy but eh.
>> [LAUGH] >> In the top left quadrant,
you have someone who's high butterflies, but low penguin.
Fun, but maybe not marriage material.
>> [LAUGH] >> Bottom left quadrant.
Not a penguin, and no butterflies well, that's just wasting my time.
>> [LAUGH] >> But
I couldn't think of a US president who's both.
And I realized, am I being unrealistic if I wait and
wait for this elusive top right quadrant two marshmallow kind of man?
I needed some answers, so I set up focus groups filled with my single friends.
>> [LAUGH] >> And in these conversations,
I learned that Stanford grad students think about this question a lot.
Whereas I make graphs, some of my friends make spreadsheets.
One of my female friends Becca made what she called a life partner matrix,
where she breaks down what she is looking for into three categories,
emotional, intellectual and physical.
>> [LAUGH] >> She further broke down each piece of
this pie into four slices.
>> [LAUGH] >> For example, for
the emotional connection.
Does he love my shortcomings?
Is he reciprocally vulnerable?
Do we argue fairly and lovingly?
In these focus groups,
my friends also shared just how difficult their dating journeys have been.
One of my gay friends, Angel shared how he was making out with a guy at a club,
only to realize that guy, while kissing him still had his eyes open and was
looking over Angel's shoulder, checking out all the other guys in the room.
Another friend, Marco, even made
a consulting slide deck analyzing his
lack of dating success on OkCupid.
>> [LAUGH] >> So.
>> [LAUGH]
>> Maybe I have nerdy friends.
Maybe, talking to Stanford grad students doesn't accurately represent
the population.
[LAUGH] >> But I realized my research was flawed.
If I wanted to figure out how to choose a life partner,
I need to talk to my friends in committed relationships.
So I sent them a survey and asked one simple question.
How did you choose your partner?
Here are three of my favorite responses.
There was never a lightning bolt moment per se,
just a gradual increase of connection and affection.
A couple of months in, I realized I had something to lose if we broke up.
We met on a road trip, got stuck in horrendous traffic.
And I remember it as the best drive of my life.
I think I fell in love with him that day.
I chose my partner by following my heart and my gut.
I thought about how to get her when we were single.
I thought about how to keep her when we were dating.
And now I think about how to make her happy and
build a life together now that we are married.
Isn't that something?
In my research, I talked to a guy named Nate Bagley
who traveled the country interviewing married couples.
His takeaway, don't settle for mediocre love.
Epic love exists and he's seen it.
So, I reached out and I asked if I could interview him over Skype and
in that conversation Nate Begley he said to me, okay Jackie,
you got five great guys in front of you.
Who's the right choice?
So, I said, the one who inspires me to be my best self.
And he said, okay, they all do that.
Who is the right choice?
So I said, the one who makes me laugh the hardest.
And he said, okay, they're all hilarious.
>> [LAUGH] >> Who's the right choice?
So I said, I come home from a business trip.
Who's the first person I want to see and he said okay, you want to see all of them.
>> [LAUGH] >> Who's the right choice?
And flustered I said, Nate, I don't know how to choose where is this going?
And he said to me, Jackie,
the right choice is the one you choose and you make it right.
And if you're not in a place to make that kind of commitment,
you just might miss some amazing candidates.
In January, I was dating a really nice guy.
Coincidentally named Nathan.
Total penguin.
>> [LAUGH] >> But
after a couple months I abandoned ship.
I wasn't prepared to commit so I ended it.
And talking to Nate Bagley I realized, I'm the person at the club.
Kissing with their eyes open.
Constantly looking over someone's shoulder for what's better.
So he said to Nate Bagley, wait you said don't settle for mediocre love.
Epic love exist that's what I'm waiting for.
And he said, Jackie, epic love isn't this innate thing,
epic love is the work you both put in to make it better than yesterday.
That's epic.
Here I was.
So afraid of settling for one marshmallow, and
I realized there's a difference between settling and settling in.
Settling in means loving someone for their short-comings.
Closing your eyes during the kiss.
And working every day, at being a better partner in this team.
The takeaway here, is choose who you love and love who you choose.
Writing this talk has changed everything for
me, because after all the research, the focus groups, the interviews.
Turns out all the work had to be done here, internally, not externally.
The day after I broke up with Nathan, the penguin, he came over,
and he said to me, I don't accept your resignation.
>> [LAUGH] >> And
I thought, whoa, that's pretty epic.
Is this penguin giving me butterflies?
So I withdrew my resignation.
Now I don't know if Nathan is my two marshmallow man,
but I'm going to find out.
Because this time, I'm going all in.
Thank you.
>> [APPLAUSE]
[MUSIC]