In this video, you will learn the signs that you have weak personal boundaries with men
and how to fix them – So, if you find yourself frequently disappointed and hurt in your relationships,
and want some skills to turn things around, then this is the video for you.
Don’t go anywhere because we are starting right now.
Hi there.
I’m psychologist and relationship coach dr Antonio Borrello.
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together.
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life.
On to boundaries
Personal boundaries are the lines and the limits that we draw for ourselves that separates
us from others physically, emotionally, and psychologically.
Boundaries are how we define what is ok, and what is not ok in all aspects of interacting
with others in our relationships.
Although We all have boundaries kinda like
that like invisible circles that surround us, we usually don’t think about them unless
and until someone gets too close to us – For example, if a stranger begins encroaching
on our personal space, we quickly become aware of our boundary because it becomes immediately
uncomfortable.
And, we don’t keep the same boundaries for everyone- because we experience different
levels of comfort and limits based on who we are interacting with.
For example, we maintain a comfortable personal space of 3-4 feet when interacting with our
co-workers, but that comfortable space shrinks to 2-3 feet for close friends and practically
disappears when we are with our lover.
And just like physical boundaries, we also
have emotional and relational boundaries that are most relevant to romantic relationships.
these boundaries are the standards and expectations we have for our relationships.
they define what we agree and disagree with; they define what we love and hate.
And they define the limits of what is ok, and what is not ok in our relationship.
Having clear boundaries is important in all
relationships because When we don’t have clear boundaries, We can expose ourselves
to unhealthy and destructive influences and people.
Likewise, Most of the problems that we experience in relationships can be traced back to a lack
of boundaries, or a breach of an emotional boundary.
For example, if you're interacting with a partner and something they say or do makes
you feel uncomfortable or hurt, it's most likely because they've crossed a boundary.
And, How you handle a boundary violation ultimately determines if your relationship is healthy,
or if it is to become toxic.
Before I explain how to set and enforce healthy boundaries in your relationships, listen to
the signs of weak boundaries and see how many of them resonate with you.
1.
You always put your partner’s needs first and try to make your partner happy at all
costs.
This can be extremely draining and can lead to resentment over time if they don’t do
the same.
2.
You rarely say "no" to anything your boyfriend wants to do.
This usually means you are not comfortable asserting your own needs and instead, you
just go along with whatever your partner wants.
This can be extremely frustrating and can leave you feeling powerless in the relationship.
3.
You allow your partner to control all aspects of the relationship.
4.
You frequently ignore your own gut feelings in favor of what your partner wants.
You're afraid of upsetting your partner or of being seen as the "bad guy."
However, avoiding conflict can actually do more harm than good in a relationship, as
it can lead to resentment and bottled-up emotions.
5.
You often make excuses for your partner's bad behavior.
This may be because you don't want to face the reality of the situation or perhaps you
believe that your love will eventually change him.
Unfortunately, this type of thinking can lead to further abuse and mistreatment.
6.
You frequently take responsibility for the problems in the relationship, even when they're
not really yours to shoulder.
7.
You avoid disagreeing with your partner even if you don't actually agree?
8.
You always make yourself available to your partner – you are always willing to drop
everything at a moment's notice to be with your partner.
This can be problematic because it can lead to you feeling taken for granted and like
you don’t have a life of your own
If you found yourself agreeing to a few (or more) of these statements, it is likely that
you have weak relationship boundaries- and, this is the source of your relationship problems,
or the ones to come.
But here’s the good news—.
If you follow these steps to take fix or establish healthy boundaries in your current, or any
new relationship.
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Impact of healthy boundaries
1.
Communicate Your Needs and Expectations Clearly
It can be difficult to set healthy boundaries early on in a romantic relationship.
You may be afraid of scaring your new partner off or coming across as too demanding.
However, it is important to communicate your needs and expectations clearly from the beginning.
This will help ensure that both you and your partner are on the same page and can avoid
any potential conflict down the road.
If you're not sure how to bring up the topic
of setting boundaries, try saying something like, "I need to talk to you about something
important."
Then, once you have your partner's attention, explain your thoughts and feelings.
Remember, it is okay to be assertive when setting boundaries.
This does not mean that you are being demanding or unreasonable.
Rather, it shows that you know what you want and need in a relationship.
So, be sure to be clear and concise.
Explain what you are comfortable with and what you are not comfortable with.
For example, you might say something like, "I'm comfortable with cuddling and kissing,
but I don't want to have sex yet."
It is also important to be honest about your feelings and explain why you feel the way
you do.
This will help your partner understand where you are coming from and shows that you care
about his feelings.
And lastly, you might not always know that
you need to set a boundary until after one has been crossed – when that happens, it’s
important to communicate your boundary as soon as possible to prevent it from being
violated again.
Let me give you an example-
Imagine this scenario.
you really like a guy and you’re excited about him.
Your first date was magical and now he has invited you out on a second date for a Saturday
night.. and the same day he texts you to confirm that you are meeting at a particular
restaurant at 7 PM..
So, you show up at the restaurant at 6:57
and he is nowhere to be found.. in fact, he doesn’t show up until 724 and did not take
a moment to text you or call you to let you know he was running late… and when he arrives,
he makes no mention of the fact that he is late….
So, how do you handle this situation?… he
shows up 25 minutes late and doesn’t’ take the time to text you and let you know.
Take a moment and think about What you would do.
If you’re anything like me, you are probably feeling disappointed maybe even disrespected
because he didn’t let you know.
This is a perfect opportunity to set a boundary and have a conversation explaining that it
is not ok to leave you hanging like that.
However, too many people would rather compromise their standards and not mention it because
they really like him and are afraid to cause any friction…
I mean you want him to like you and you might worry about sounding disagreeable or demanding
– and that might cause him to like
you less, right?
Wrong.
2.
Confidently Enforce Your Boundaries
Most of the mistakes women make when dating someone new involve some form of not communicating
and enforcing boundaries for a relationship including being too available, not expressing
your preferences, not saying no, making excuses for bad behavior, and
tolerating a lack of effort or unacceptable behavior.
These mistakes are driven by the fear that disappointing him will result in losing his
attention and attraction.
So for example a woman might not complain when he doesn’t follow through or keep plans
or call when he says he will.
she just tolerates what he does without complaining and fails to enforce her boundaries and expectations
about the relationship.
Instead, she makes excuses for him because
she really wants him or really believe he’s a great catch because of his handsomeness,
his status, his wealth, the chemistry she feels, or the promises he’s made to her.
And ultimately, these mistakes turn him off because they make her look desperate, insecure,
and just not attractive.
So, The first step of Enforcing Your Boundaries
with Confidence means that you actually have standards of how you expect to be treated
if he is going to date you.
And, if he doesn’t meet those expectations, you have no problem or hesitation withdrawing
from him and ultimately moving on regardless of how great of a catch you think he is.
That means you stick to your guns and refuse to settle for dating situations that are good
for him, but bad for you.
when a man disappoints you by failing to meet
an expectation, you confidently inform him of your standard again, despite the fact that
you might be feeling uneasy or insecure.
Then, you watch and listen to his response.
If he validates your feelings, apologizes and offers a resolution, you can give him
another chance.
But, If he denies, deflects or in any way
invalidates your feelings, You put your self-respect above your feelings and you withdraw
yourself because you value your dignity more than his attention and will not waste your
time and affection on a man who doesn’t recognize and appreciate your worth.
And You do that because you value your self
respect and dignity more than you value being liked by him or by any man.
look, I know it can be difficult to keep your
standards high when you really like a person….
It’s like everything goes out the window, right?.
But when you compromise your standards, you are always going to get less that you need
and less than you deserve.
You are setting the bar low, your setting the parameters low, and you’re letting him
know it’s ok to treat you that way.
And even worse, compromising your values also
increases the possibility of entering into unhealthy relationships or situations.
And let me tell you why.. because when you compromise your standards, you’re simply
pushing the conflict and the problem further into the future and allowing the problem to
grow and get out of control.
You’re ignoring the red flags because you want to be wanted so badly and you continue
to accept less than you deserve.. and that’s exactly what you are fostering..
you’re fostering less than you deserve
So, if a man isnt’ meeting your standards, if a man isn’t treating you right…
if a man isn’t meeting your needs, arguing with him, complaining to him, or pleading
with him is not going to bring him to change… that’s just not going to work.
What does work?
Action.
you need to be walking away..
When he knows that you aren’t willing to settle, that you aren’t going to tolerate
behaviors or actions of his that you don’t agree with, or that don’t meet your standards,
he is going to respect you and step up to the challenge and meet your standards.
He is going to appreciate your self respect... and your value in his eyes goes way up.
But He will only experience this if he knows
you are willing and able to walk away from something that isn’t right for YOU.
So the secret to getting what you want from your relationship depends having realistic
expectations, and setting healthy boundaries and not compromising your values and standards
because you’re afraid of losing someone.
Because if you do, you will never get what you want or deserve from your relationship.
If you like this topic, I can go into it in
more detail in a future video.
So.. in the comment section..
please share your thoughts and your ideas about the videos you’d like me to make..
this is a very similar video that goes deeper into setting standards and expectations
Click here to the video youtube thinks you will like and click here to subscribe and
learn how to bulid a great relationship so you can grow happy together…
Ill see you in the next video.