WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU FOR THE APPLAUSE.
IT'S SO NICE TO HEAR THAT AFTER NOT HAVING AN AUDIENCE FOR SO
LONG.
23 HOURS I HAVEN'T HAD AN AUDIENCE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I MADE IT.
I DON'T DO THE SHOW FOR THE APPLAUSE, I DO IT FOR THE
TROPHIES, AND THIS MORNING "THE LATE SHOW" WAS NOMINATED FOR
EIGHT EMMY AWARDS!
( PIANO RIFF ) COME ON...
CONGRATULATIONS!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU.
OF COURSE, THIS SHOW WOULDN'T BE POSSIBLE WITHOUT YOU, THE
VIEWERS.
SO, I PROMISE, IF WE WIN AN EMMY, WE WILL LET ALL OF YOU
VIEW IT.
( LAUGHTER ) VOTING FOR SHOW BUSINESS AWARDS
MAY SOON BE THE LAST BIT OF DEMOCRACY WE HAVE LEFT BECAUSE
SINCE THE NOVEMBER ELECTION, STATE LAWMAKERS HAVE ENACTED 28
LAWS IN 17 STATES THAT RESTRICT BALLOT ACCESS.
IT'S GOTTEN SO BAD THAT IN --
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> Stephen: YES.
IT'S GOTTEN SO BAD THAT IN GEORGIA, IF YOU WANNA VOTE, YOU
HAVE TO GUESS THE NAME OF THE TROLL UNDER THE BRIDGE.
HINT: IT'S MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HOLD FOR APPLAUSE.
ALL OF THESE RESTRICTIVE VOTING LAWS ARE BEING JUSTIFIED BY THE
FIG LEAF OF THE BIG LIE.
AND WE'RE LEARNING MORE ABOUT THE ORIGINS OF THE BIG LIE.
ACCORDING TO ONE NEW BOOK, AT THE WHITE HOUSE ELECTION NIGHT
PARTY, SOME PEOPLE THOUGHT RUDY GIULIANI MAY HAVE BEEN DRINKING
TOO MUCH.
( LAUGHTER ) THE OTHER PEOPLE WERE RUDY
GIULIANI.
( LAUGHTER ) REPORTEDLY, DRUNK RUDY ASKED
WHAT'S HAPPENING IN MICHIGAN?
THEY SAID IT WAS TOO EARLY TO TELL.
JUST SAY WE WON, GIULIANI TOLD THEM.
SAME THING IN PENNSYLVANIA.
JUST SAY WE WON PENNSYLVANIA.
GOD, RUDY MUST HAVE BEEN AN ANNOYING KID.
YOU'RE PLAYING TAG AND YOU GET HIM ON THE SHOULDER, BUT INSTEAD
OF ADMITTING IT, HE SAYS NUH UH, AT A PRESS CONFERENCE NEXT TO A
DILDO STORE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NEXT TO.
NOT IN FRONT OF NEXT TO.
CAMPAIGN OFFICIALS SHOT THE IDEA DOWN, BUT AFTER FOX NEWS CALLED
ARIZONA FOR BIDEN, GIULIANI ADVISED THE FORMER PRESIDENT
JUST GO DECLARE VICTORY RIGHT NOW.
YOU'VE GOT TO GO DECLARE VICTORY NOW.
IT'S AN AGE OLD STRATEGY.
AFTER A DEVASTATING LOSS, JUST SAY YOU WON.
REMINDS OF THIS CLIMACTIC SCENE.
♪♪ >> I'M THE WINNER!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: SURE.
REDEMPTION FOR VADER.
OF COURSE, THE BIG ELECTION LIE LED DIRECTLY TO THE JANUARY 6TH
CAPITOL RIOT.
THE FBI CONTINUES TO BRING THOSE FOLKS TO JUSTICE.
I'LL GIVE YOU THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S SEDITIONIST ROUND-UP
ROUNDUP.
>> YOU'RE UDDER ARREST!
LAUGH >> STEPHEN: FIRST UP,
PENNSYLVANIA NATIVE AND GUY WHO CAN'T UNDERSTAND HOW THE RIVAL
PAINTBALL TEAM SPOTTED HIS HEAD IN THE BUSHES, ROBERT MORSS.
MORSS IS A FORMER ARMY RANGER WHO WAS ARRESTED FOR STORMING
THE CAPITOL AND FIGHTING WITH POLICE.
HE'S TRYING TO GET OUT ON BAIL BUT PROSECUTORS ARE RESISTING IN
PART BECAUSE, WHEN THEY RAIDED MORSS' HOME, POLICE SEIZED
MILITARY GEAR, FIREARMS AND A U.S. CAPITOL LEGO SET.
THEY ALSO FOUND EVIDENCE THAT HE PLANNED TO STORM THE
MILLENNIUM FALCON, HOGWARTS, AND WINNIE THE POOH'S TREEHOUSE.
( APPLAUSE ) >> GOING FOR THAT HONEY POT!
>> Jon: YEAH, HE WANTS THAT HONEY.
>> Stephen: LAW ENFORCEMENT ALSO RECOVERED A
NOTEBOOK FROM MORSS' CAR WITH A SECTION TITLED STEP BY STEP TO
CREATE A HOMETOWN MILITIA.
THE NOTEBOOK INCLUDED REMINDERS TO BRING KIT/BODY AMOUR, BRING
ASSAULT RIFLE AND FOUR MAGAZINES.
THOSE MAGAZINES?
ARCHITECTURAL DISTRESS GOOD HOUSE-TAKING
HIGHLIGHTS: ALL GOOFUS EDITION 20 YEARS TO LIFE
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
TICK TOCK.
>> Jon: TICK TOCK!
>> Stephen: TICK TOCK.
NEXT UP ON THE 'S' TO THE DOUBLE-R, INSURRECTIONIST AND
WOMAN DEMANDING, "GIVE MAMA A KISS ON THE TEETH," PAULINE
BAUER.
BAUER IS ACCUSED OF VIOLENT ENTRY AND OBSTRUCTION OF
CONGRESS, AND ALLEGEDLY TOLD A POLICE OFFICER TO, "BRING NANCY
PELOSI OUT HERE NOW, WE WANT TO HANG THAT (BLEEP) BITCH."
WATCH YOUR MANNERS, PAULINE.
REMEMBER, YOU HANG MORE ELECTED OFFICIALS WITH HONEY THAN YOU DO
WITH VINEGAR.
BAUER HAS CHOSEN TO REPRESENT HERSELF IN COURT, AND SHE'S GOT
A UNIQUE DEFENSE: SHE CLAIMS SHE'S A DIVINELY EMPOWERED
ENTITY IMMUNE FROM LAWS.
DIVINELY EMPOWERED?
SO SHE'S GOING TO GET AWAY SCOT-FREE, JUST LIKE JESUS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: OH MY...
>> Stephen: THAT'S A STROKER.
♪♪ VERY NICE.
BUT IT DOES RAISE THE QUESTION: IF YOU'RE CHOSEN BY GOD TO BE
ABOVE THE LAWS OF GOVERNMENT, WHY DO YOU CARE WHO'S IN CHARGE
OF IT?
SO WHAT DOES THIS EARTH-BOUND DEITY DO HERE ON THE MORTAL
PLANE?
SHE'S A PIZZERIA OWNER.
AND CONSIDERING HOW HARD SHE FELL FOR THE BIG LIE, I ASSUME
IT'S A DOMINOES.
(BAND PLAYS TARANTELLA NAPOLETANA)
( AUDIENCE CLAPPING IN TIME ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU,
MAESTRO.
STILL, IT'S GOOD NEWS FOR ANYBODY WHO ALWAYS BELIEVED IN A
GOD WHO SELLS PIZZA.
IT'S TRUE, IT'S NOT JUST PIE IN THE SKY.
(BAND PLAYS TARANTELLA NAPOLETANA AGAIN)
( AUDIENCE CLAPS IN TIME ) ARE
>> Stephen: LAST AND POSSIBLY LAMEST
Q-ANON CONSPIRACY PEDDLER DOUGLAS JENSEN, SEEN HERE
CHALLENGING CAPITOL POLICE TO A DANCE-OFF.
BRING IT!
(BAND PLAYS TARANTELLA NAPOLETANA A THIRD TIME)
( AUDIENCE CLAPS IN TIME ) JENSEN IS FACING CHARGES
INCLUDING ASSAULTING POLICE OFFICERS, CIVIL DISORDER, AND
ENTERING A RESTRICTED BUILDING WITH A WEAPON.
LIKE A LOT OF THESE IDIOTS, HE POSTED VIDEO OF HIMSELF AT THE
INSURRECTION.
UNLIKE A LOT OF THEM, HE DIDN'T KNOW EXACTLY WHERE HE WAS.
HERE'S JENSEN FILMING HIMSELF AT THE CAPITOL BUILDING.
>> THIS IS ME, TOUCHING THE (BLEEP) WHITE HOUSE.
THIS IS WHY WE'RE HERE.
I AM AT THE WHITE HOUSE, JUST SO YOU KNOW.
( APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: JUST SO YOU KNOW --
NO YOU'RE NOT.
( LAUGHTER ) LATER ON IN THE VIDEO, HE
GRABBED HIS ASS AND SAID, THIS IS ME, TOUCHING A HOLE IN THE
GROUND JUST SO YOU KNOW.
NOW THAT HE'S BEEN ARRESTED, HIS ATTORNEY SAYS -- SURPRISE! --
HE'S REJECTED Q-ANON AND HE FEELS DECEIVED,
RECOGNIZING THAT HE BOUGHT INTO A PACK OF LIES.
WELL, YEAH.
STARTING WITH WHOEVER TOLD HIM, TO GET TO THE WHITE HOUSE, START
AT THE WHITE HOUSE, THEN WALK AWAY FROM THE WHITE HOUSE, TWO
MILES DOWN PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE, 'TIL YOU ARRIVE AT THE WHITE
HOUSE.
( APPLAUSE ) IS THIS TRUE?
IS THIS TRUE?
I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE AN UPDATE TO THIS STORY.
THAT'S RIGHT, THERE'S: BREAKING MOOS.
TODAY, JENSEN WAS RELEASED FROM FEDERAL CUSTODY TO HOUSE ARREST,
BECAUSE A JUDGE FOUND THAT HE COULDN'T HAVE PREPLANNED HIS
ACTIONS BECAUSE HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHERE HE WAS.
THAT'S A NEW ONE.
( LAUGHTER ) HE PLEAD NOT GUILTY BY REASON OF
STUPIDITY.
MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A MAN WHO'S BEEN MAKING HEADLINES
EVERYWHERE, MULTI-BILLIONAIRE AND DEHYDRATED GUY FIERI,
RICHARD BRANSON.
SIR RICHARD IS HERE TO TELL US ALL ABOUT HIS RECENT VOYAGE TO
THE EDGE OF SPACE, MAKING HIM THE FIRST BILLIONAIRE TO GO UP
IN HIS OWN ROCKET, BEATING JEFF BEZOS AND ELON MUSK.
BUT, TO PROVE IT'S ALL IN GOOD FUN, ON SUNDAY BEFORE TAKEOFF,
BRANSON TWEETED THIS PICTURE OF HIMSELF AND ELON.
IT'S LIKE THEY SAY: MONEY CAN'T BUY FRIENDSHIP, OR APPARENTLY,
SHOES.
C'MON, ELON.
YOU'RE A CAPTAIN OF INDUSTRY.
WE HAVEN'T SEEN A PLUTOCRAT DRESS THIS CASUALLY SINCE JOHN
D. ROCKEFELLER'S BANANA HAMMOCK.
NOT EVERYONE WAS GROSSED OUT BY ELON'S TOOTSIES.
BECAUSE AFTER BRANSON TWEETED THAT PICTURE, IT WAS IMMEDIATELY
UPLOADED TO WIKIFEET, WHICH, IN CASE YOU DON'T KNOW, IS LIKE
WIKIPEDIA, BUT FOR PEOPLE WITH A FETISH FOR FEET.
CONGRATS, ELON.
RICHARD MAY HAVE BEAT YOU TO SPACE, BUT IF IT'S ANY
CONSOLATION, CREEPS ON THE INTERNET WANT TO COP A FEEL OF
YOUR HEEL.
WIKI-FEET HAS A WIDELY-RESPECTED FOOT RATING SYSTEM, AND
-- THAT LINE TOOK ME BY SURPRISE MUSK'S FEET AREN'T TOO POPULAR,
WITH A RATING OF JUST 2.83 OUT OF 5.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) THAT'S JUST FOR THE PICTURE.
MIGHT'VE BEEN EVEN LOWER IF THEY SAW THE WAY HE MOVES THEM.
TO ADD INSULT TO INJURY, MUSK'S FEET ARE APPARENTLY THE WORST OF
HIS FELLOW SPACE BILLIONAIRES, BECAUSE RICHARD BRANSON WIKIFEET
PAGE HAS A RATING OF 3.3, AND JEFF BEZO'S FEET GOT A 3.15.
I WOULD'VE THOUGHT HE'D BE HIGHER, CONSIDERING THAT BEZOS
IS JUST ONE GIANT TOE.
( LAUGHTER ) THESE LOW RATINGS ARE A VICTORY
FOR ALL OF US WORKIN' STIFFS.
THESE GUYS MAY HAVE ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD, BUT THEY
DON'T HAVE WHAT REALLY COUNTS: TOES THAT GIVE STRANGERS A
BONER.
( LAUGHTER ) I JUST HOPE ANYONE OUT THERE IS
ENJOYING THIS STORY AS MUCH AS I AM.
IT GETS BETTER.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW THEY GET A TASTE OF WHAT
IT'S LIKE TO BE AVERAGE.
TO WALK A MILE IN OUR SHOES, AND THEN LET A GUY SNIFF 'EM FOR
FIFTY BUCKS.
AND THE MESSAGE OF HOPE HERE IS THAT
ANYONE'S FEET CAN ROCKET TO THE TOP OF THE CHARTS.
SPECIFICALLY, MINE.
BECAUSE I LOOKED IT UP, AND WIKIFEET RATED THESE PUPPIES
4.93 OUT OF FIVE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) COME ON!
BOOM!
CHECK IT.
( PIANO RIFF ) >> Jon: YEAH!
>> Stephen: I BEAT THE BILLIONAIRES!
THESE LITTLE PIGGIES GONNA GO WEE WEE WEE ALL THE WAY HOME.
I DON'T MEAN TO BRAG, BUT I HAVE A LOT OF PICTURES ON WIKI-FEET.
LOOK AT ALL THOSE.
OF COURSE, THOSE PICTURES COME FROM MY ALLFOOT VERSION OF THIS
PROGRAM: "THE LATE TOE WITH STEPHEN
SOLEBERT."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, IF YOU WANT TO GO ON
WIKIFEET AND UPVOTE MY DOGS, GO AHEAD, BUT KEEP IT CLEAN.
BECAUSE THE WIKIFEET GUIDELINES SAY: SEXUALLY EXPLICIT COMMENTS
ARE PROHIBITED.
DESCRIBING OF FANTASIES IS PROHIBITED.
THE COMMENT SECTION IS INTENDED FOR INTELLECTUAL DISCUSSIONS
OVER SYMMETRY AND AESTHETICS.
THAT'S RIGHT.
IT'S A SALON OF THE MIND.
IF ONLY OTHER WEBSITES WOULD TAKE NOTE.
I AM HERE FOR AN INTELLECTUAL DISCUSSION OF THE ECONOMIC
RAMIFICATIONS OF NOT HAVING ENOUGH MONEY WHEN THE PIZZA
DELIVERY BOY ARRIVES.
WITH EXTRA SAUSAGE, SHALL WE SAY.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, MY GUESTS ARE
SIR RICHARD BRANSON AND CONGRESSWOMAN ELEANOR HOLMES
NORTON.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, MEANWHILE.
♪♪ ♪♪