TOMORROW IS ELECTION DAY, AND I THINK IT IS
SAFE TO SAY IT HAS BEEN A VERY, VERY, VERY LONG FOUR
YEARS.
SO LONG, IN FACT, YOU MAY HAVE LOST TRACK OF
EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED DURING THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION.
LET ME BREAK IT DOWN FOR YOU REAL QUICK.
TRUMP'S INAUGURATION TRUMP'S INAUGURATION CROWDS WERE
SUPER SMALL, WOMEN MARCHED ON THE NATIONAL MALL, HE SIGNED A
HATEFUL MUSLIM BAN AND FAILED TO PASS HIS HEALTHCARE PLAN, THE
WALL THAT HE PROMISED NEVER GOT DONE, BUT AT LEAST HE FOUND TIME
TO STARE AT THE SUN, HE THREW PAPER TOWELS LIKE A Q.B., BUT
THREW A HUGE FIT WHEN KAEP TOOK A KNEE, “ALTERNATIVE FACTS” WERE
THE NEW WAY TO LIE, PUT HIS HAND ON AN ORB AND NO ONE KNOWS WHY,
MICHAEL FLYNN MADE A GUILTY PLEA, DONALD JUNIOR SAT ON A
TREE, IVANKA AND JARED PLAYED PRETEND, WHAT WAS OMAROSA'S JOB
AGAIN?
SEAN SPICER WAS FIRED, SCARAMUCCI WAS HIRED, REINCE
PRIEBUS RETIRED, SCARAMUCCI WAS FIRED, JAMES COMEY WAS CANNED,
BUT SAVED THE RECEIPTS, WE'RE STILL UNPACKING THE “COVFEFE”
TWEET, DONALD'S LOVE FOR PUTIN COULDN'T BE MORE SINCERE,
BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THAT WAS JUST HIS FIRST YEAR!
TRUMP GOT A VISIT FROM KANYE WEST, MELANIA TOLD US ALL TO “BE
BEST,” HER HUSBAND CALLED HAITI A (
JACKET COULD SAY IT MORE BLUNTLY, NEW TELL-ALL BOOKS WERE
RIDDLED WITH SCANDALS, LIKE THE TIME HE GOT SPANKED BY STORMY
DANIELS, MICHAEL COHEN GOT CAUGHT WITH MONEY TO HUSH, WHILE
TRUMP WENT TO SEE HIS NEW DICTATOR CRUSH, PAUL MANAFORT
WAS FOUND GUILTY OF FRAUD, FOR SOME REASON TEENS WERE EATING
TIDE PODS, JOHN KELLY AND SESSIONS LEFT THAT YEAR, BRETT
KAVANAUGH TOLD US HE LOVES BEER, DEMS TOOK THE HOUSE IN A MIDTERM
BLUE WAVE, A DEPRESSED TED CRUZ REFUSED TO SHAVE, HALFWAY
THROUGH HIS TERM, THE WHITE HOUSE WAS ALL DRAMA, AMERICA
SPOKE AND SAID, “WE MISS OBAMA”" THE GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN LASTED
35 DAYS, TRUMP'S APPROVAL NUMBERS WENT DOWN IN A BLAZE, A
SHARPIE WAS USED ON A HURRICANE MAP, PELOSI WHIPPED OUT HER
SARCASTIC CLAP, HE GOT IN A FEUD WITH WOMEN'S SOCCER, INSULTED
THE SQUAD, HE'S RACIST-- BIG SHOCKER.
SPENT FIVE MILLION BUCKS ON HIS FOURTH OF JULY, ONCE CALLED
JEFFREY EPSTEEN A "TERRIFIC GUY," THE MUELLER REPORT FOUND
NO ONE TO BLAME, TRUMP WAS IMPEACHED FOR A CALL WITH
UKRAINE, HE STILL INSISTS THERE WAS NO QUID PRO QUO, CONGRESS
WAS LIKE, “MMMM, WASN'T THERE THOUGH?”
COVERED TABLES WITH BIG MACS, TWEETED “FAKE NEWS” IN ALL CAPS,
ISSUED A TRANS MILITARY BAN, FOR CLIMATE CHANGE, THERE'S STILL
NO PLAN, OVER 200 DAYS SPENT ON THE GOLF COURSE, WITH NOTHING TO
SHOW BUT A USELESS SPACE FORCE!
THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL WAS A HAIL MARY, WAIT, WAS THAT REALLY
THIS JANUARY?
TRUMP DOWNPLAYED THE VIRUS, SAID IT'D GO AWAY FASTER THAN
TOOBIN'S ZOOM DISPLAY, NO MASKS AT HIS RALLIES THROUGHOUT THE
CAMPAIGN, WERE PEOPLE KEPT SAFE?
ASK HERMAN CAIN.
TRUMP GOT SICK AND DOCTORS LIED SO HE COULD GO ON A DEADLY
JOYRIDE.
AMY CONEY BARRETT WAS PUSHED THROUGH, MELANIA SAID SHE HATES
CHRISTMAS, TOO, ROSE GARDEN EVENT HAD A SUPER SPREAD, V.P.
MIKE PENCE HAD A FLY ON HIS HEAD, ON A SECOND STIMULUS NO
ONE CAN AGREE, ASIDE FROM“ PERSON, WOMAN, MAN, CAMERA, TV”
TRUMP STRUGGLED TO GO DOWN A RAMP, AND EVERYONE IS BUYING
STAMPS, ANTHONY FAUCI DISAPPEARED, TRUMP SURE HOLDS A
BIBLE WEIRD, IT'S BEEN FOUR YEARS, BUT FELT LIKE TEN, SO IS
AMERICA GREAT AGAIN?
KIDS IN SCHOOL ARE STILL AFRAID, DONALD'S TAXES WENT UNPAID,
MIGRANT FAMILIES WERE DESTROYED, MILLIONS ARE STILL UNEMPLOYED,
THINGS WILL GET BETTER, BUT IT'S NOT A GIVEN, SO THINK ABOUT THE
COUNTRY THAT YOU WANT TO LIVE IN.
AND IF LOOKING AT POLLS MAKES YOU BREAK INTO HIVES, THEN VOTE
TOMORROW SO WE CAN MOVE ON WITH OUR LIVES!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MAYOR PETE BUTTIGIEG!
COME ON BACK!