Welcome back to the Gentleman's Gazette! Today's video is all about how to
deal with jerks because we all have a jerk or two in our lives. We probably had
a boss who was a jerk, maybe a neighbor, a family member, a friend, or someone else
who's close to you. I mean, frankly, we're all jerks sometimes; if we have bad nights
of sleep, maybe if we were sick, or if we just have another thing to deal with, we
can all behave like a jerk, however, we're talking more about people who are
constantly and unapologetically a jerk. The weird thing is that being a jerk is
sometimes correlated to being successful. For example, Steve Jobs was a bonafide
jerk yet he was very successful. So just because you're a jerk doesn't mean
you're automatically successful. Often, it's the opposite and in today's video,
we show you how you can deal with jerks without going down to their level. So
first of all, what exactly is a jerk and how can you earn respect without being
one? To answer those questions, please check out this video here. In a nutshell,
jerks are stubborn, they're just full of themselves, they just care about
themselves, they're not open to criticism or change, and they're just about
winning, putting others down, and getting ahead in life no matter the cost.
Interestingly when surveyed, a lot more people describe being subject to
oppression of jerks rather than admitting to being one themselves. That
means there are a lot of people who are jerks but they don't think of themselves
as being a jerk, this is called the blame bias. When we see behavior in others,
we assume that they're trying to be a jerk and mean about things yet when we
do the exact same thing, we have different motives and we don't think of
ourselves as being a jerk, when in fact, other people assume we are. When people
behave badly, they often think of it as being justified but they're the only one
thinking that way, all the others just think you're a jerk. The bigger problem
with this behavior is that it can be contagious and other people can act in
the same way and then it brings down the entire community .The
first strategy in dealing with jerks is to make sure you're not one yourself. So
once you've decided you're not a jerk, the first step to dealing with jerks is
to take action. Simply accepting behavior of jerks or just letting it go is not
going to make the situation better or resolve anything. You're instead
empowering the jerks to continue doing what they do because they see no
obstacle in behaving that way. Jerks are often stubborn and are unlikely to change
so you have to change something because that's something you can control.
First of all, you have to determine what kind of jerk you're dealing with; is it a
clueless jerk who doesn't know he's a jerk or is it an unrepentant jerk who
knows what they do is wrong but they just don't care. Dealing with a clueless jerk
is easy because they actually might mean well and they simply just don't know
about it. The best way to deal with it is to take that person aside in a private
moment and address the issue. Don't address it in front of a group where
they can feel attacked or where they feel particularly vulnerable, take them
aside so no one else can see it, have a word with them, and explain what you've
seen. A clueless jerk will likely apologize, be sorry about it, and promise
to change. Now in those situations, it is best not to confront the people head-on
but just say "I noticed", "it seems like". Avoid terms like "you behave like an
asshole" instead say, "lately I noticed that there were some tensions around you
or you behaved in a way that made others uncomfortable" that way, you're not just
blaming him outright but you just explain a situation and giving them a
way to save their face. It's important to focus on their behavior, not them as a
person, otherwise, they're likely to shut down and not take any of your criticism.
Second, it's great to have a remedy in mind and not just throw something out
there and expect them to come up with a solution. Again, don't tell people what
they should or should not do. Rather, share maybe an experience of a similar
situation which really helped to come to a solution. That way, the clueless jerk
will think they came up with a solution and because of that, they're much more
likely to act on it rather than if you tell them what they should or should not
do. Now, when you've dealt with jerks, you probably assume that they're not a
clueless jerk because to you, it seems obvious they are unrepentant and they do
it because they enjoy it but that is part of the blame bias and it's best for you
to assume that everyone is a clueless jerk and therefore, you should always, as
a first step, take them aside privately and approach them in the way just
described. Now if you've done that and the behavior
doesn't change, you deal with an unrepentant jerk. Unfortunately, there's
not a cooking recipe to deal with those kind of jerks,
however, chances are they're not likely or easily going to change. Also, the power
dynamics in a relationship are hugely important. If the jerk is a parent or a
boss and you feel powerless, it's best to ignore those people, walk away from them,
and politely decline to even engage in a conversation with them. Simply ignore
them and take out the steam of their behavior that way. The next step means
it's time to change for you. You either have to quit, transfer to a different
department, or maybe end the relationship because if you address their behavior
directly with your superior, chances are they're gonna retaliate against you and
make your life even worse. Now, if the power dynamics are equal and it's someone like
a friend, a sibling, or a colleague, you are at the same level, you have a few
different options. The one is to simply shun them, ignore them, exclude them from
events, and have a certain icy politeness but you're clear that you don't want to
have anything to do with them, you don't want to listen to them, and you don't
want to be around them. Another option would be to fight fire with fire.
Now, this is very risky because a jerk will drag you down to their level and
beat you there with experience. So if a jerk
yells at you, it's not wise to yell back but you can speak up, you can confront them,
and tell them that it's not okay. You can even do so in front of others and see if
that makes a change. If it doesn't, chances are its best simply to ignore
them and again, quit that relationship or try to move in a place where you don't
have to deal with that kind of behavior. If quitting is not an option, fighting
fire with fire is your only option and that unrepentant jerk really
understands that language so it may lead you somewhere but be careful. Now,
what about if you have a jerk who is your employee or your subordinate? In
that case, things are a lot easier. Basically, you use your power and your
force to require change; you take them aside, you address the issue, you tell
them what needs to happen, and if it doesn't happen, you simply fire them and
you just have to stick to that. Now, one thing that works no matter what the
power dynamics are is to not give a ****, however, that's the most difficult one
and it often requires a lot of good acting and self-discipline but
ultimately, if you can show people that you don't care either about their
behavior or about them, it makes them maybe angry or rethink their behavior
simply because a jerk wants attention and if you don't give them attention and
if you don't give them gratification, they may deflate and maybe they'll move
on and you can stay where you are. In my opinion, it's one of the hardest
approaches because it requires a lot of willpower on your end.
So in conclusion, jerks are everywhere. You should always assume that if you
encounter them that they're clueless jerks take them aside privately tell
them about it if they still don't correct their behavior they are unrepentant
jerks and now you have different methods to deal with that
you can either shun them ignore them or fight fire with fire
in today's video I am wearing a single breasted navy suit with notched lapels but
I really changed the look of it by wearing a red striped shirt combined
with a contrasting off-white double-breasted
waistcoat in velvety doe skin material I'm combining it with a dark or medium
brown grenadine tie with a boutonniere from
Fort Belvedere just like the tie which you can find in our shop here and it
picks up the white tones of the vest and a stripe in the shirt the pocket square is
red and off-white polka dots and it picks up the overall color scheme as you
can see because of the contrast it looks very different than your typical
run-of-the-mill navy suit this is enhanced by the fact that I'm wearing
brown suede leather boots which are softer than maybe a black oxford that
you would usually encounter yet it works well with my brown tie my shirt cuffs are
French cuffs for double cuffs and I'm wearing a pair of gold monkey fist knot
cufflinks which very timeless and classic and are inspired by the nautical
knot and you can find them in our shop here