[AVGN theme plays in 8-bit]
Star Wars video games come in almost every genre.
First-person shooters, 2D platformers, 3D platformers, first-person shooters mixed with 3D platforming,
action-adventure, racing, flight simulators, even vehicular combat!
However, one genre seems to be almost non-existent: fighting games.
It's a no-brainer. Star Wars has such a huge cast of characters, they could make an awesome fighting game,
like Mortal Kombat, or Street Fighter.
So, where are they?
Well, I found a few.
Some games featured fighting modes as a bonus.
On the Wii, there was Star Wars: Lightsaber Battles, which was a 1-on-1 fighter, but that came out in 2008,
which was much later than the fighting game craze.
Yoda and Darth Vader were also playable characters in Soulcalibur, which makes no sense.
But we're talkin' real fighters. Why didn't Star Wars do that?
The answer... is they did.
And they fucked it up.
Star Wars: Master of Teräs... Teräs Käs... Terä... Te-Tetris Crazy? T-Teräs Käsay?
Why not just call it Star Wars: Tournament Fighter?
It worked for Ninja Turtles! And Full House! That was a good one!
[thuds on ground twice]
So the game starts, in usual Star Wars fashion, with the text crawling in space.
Wait... a "Master" of Teräs Käsi?
I thought the game was called "Masters" of Teräs Käsi!
Not even the game can say its own title!
"After the stunning defeat and the loss of the Death Star handed to the Galactic Empire,
"the Emperor demands drastic measures for a swift retribution against the Rebel Alliance.
"The Emperor calls upon the services of a mysterious young woman, Arden Lyn,
"wise in the ways of an ancient and almost forgotten fighting art known as teräs käsi."
Okay, so what is teräs käsi?
It's gotta be one of those expanded universe type of things.
So, what do we do when we need to look up something in Star Wars?
The Star Wars encyclopedia.
[relaxing music]
What?!
"Jizz"?!
"A popular style of freeform wailing music"?
Jizz...
Yeah... there is jizz in this book!
[flick]
[gasp]
"Jizz-wailer"?
"A musician who plays a fast, contemporary, and upbeat style of music"!
Jizz-wailer! It's in Star Wars!
Anyway... "teräs käsi... a form of hand-to-hand combat, roughly translated into "steel hands",
"that is taught in the Pacanth Reach."
So, lemme get this straight: the Death Star blows up,
and the Emperor's backup plan is to replace a space station with enough firepower to destroy a planet,
with someone who can fight with their bare hands.
Sorry, "steel" hands, which is basically the same idea as Tekken, which means "iron fist" in Japan.
All right, well I guess I'll pick Arden Lyn, since she's the only one I know who's a master of teräs käsi.
All right, get ready to eat my fist...!
[pew]
What?! I thought this was gonna be hand-to-hand combat!
What's this bath of shit?
Luke has his lightsaber, Han has a gun, Leia has a stick thing, they all have fucking weapons!
Except Arden Lyn!
I don't get it. What's the point of wanting to be a master of steel fists if everyone's just gonna use blasters and shit?
It makes no sense.
Also, how are half of these people supposed to go up against a lightsaber?
Oh, nevermind. The lightsabers in this game are useless.
They're more like light batons. They don't cut through shit!
Could you imagine if lightsabers were this ineffective in the movies?
Picture Chewbacca, running around the Death Star, and then he bumps into Darth Vader.
Vader ignites his lightsaber, and goes for the killing blow, but then it bounces off him like a Wiffle ball bat!
So long, Vader.
[snapping and crackling]
[thud]
[boom]
Let's see if the ancient fighting style of teräs käsi can help me.
Let's try some of these moves. We'll start with the "Teräs Käsi Chain Starter".
Forward, forward, circle, triangle, square, triangle...
...what the fuck? It's not working!
You gotta be shitting me. The odds of pulling off a special move are 3720 to 1.
But the computer will do it every single time!
Fuck this, I'm trying a new character.
Now okay, we have the usual cast of characters here: Luke, Leia, Han, Chewie...
There's even a Gamorrean Guard named "Thok".
That's a stupid name.
Oh, look, a Tusken Raider.
I wonder what this guy's name is.
"Hoar"?!
"Hoar"? Really? "Hoar"?
Suddenly, names like "Jar Jar Binks" and "Plo Koon" sound awesome!
Fuckin' Hoar.
I-I can come up with a better character.
How about an Ithorian with a chainsaw named "Fuchs" (fucks)?
What more can I say about this game?
It's awful. The premise is dumb, the controls are slow and rarely work, the characters aren't balanced at all,
some are way strong than others...
Half the time, I win, because my enemy accidentally rolls off the stage.
I swear, I get more victories with ringouts than I do anything else.
I can see why Star Wars doesn't bother with fighting games. Their first outing was an embarrassment.
The combo system barely works, and if you really try at it, you get the käsi kicked out of your ter-ÄSS!
I-I still think the idea of a Star Wars fighting game could've been great, but too bad they were just jerkin' off!
Masters of Teräs Käsi... more like Masturbators of Teräs Käsi.
So, after a lot of button mashing, luck, and hatred for myself, I get to the final boss: Darth Vader.
And lemme tell you: this motherfucker makes Shang Tsung and M. Bison look like pussies.
His moves are overpowered and he just fucks you up!
Oh, but we can't end this way. I gotta win!
To beat Darth Vader, I have to take some extreme measures.
I have to go back to the past.
[dramatic music]
[Anakin] Yippee!
[Anakin screams]
[Nerd] How do you like that shit, Anakin?
-[Anakin screams some more] -[Nerd] Die!
-Die! -[Anakin] Noooooooo!
[Anakin continues screaming]
Noooooooo!
[fades away]
[Street Fighter II MC] You win!
[Nerd] I know that's cheap, but so is this Masters of Teräs Käsi game!
Y'know, it can't get any worse than that.
[window breaks] Y'...
Oh. A package from Disney and Lucasfilm.
[tearing]
A "Special Edition"? What did they change?
They pointlessly shoved characters from later movies into the game.
Now you can play as Kylo Ren, and BB-8.
They made changes to the locations, too.
Now, when you play on Tatooine, the ring is surrounded by Banthas.
On Hoth, a Wampa takes up the whole screen and roars while you're trying to fight.
Remembering fighting in the Rancor Pit?
Well now, half the screen is cut off, so you can see the Max Rebo band playing in the palace.
Huh. That's weird. I'm trying to play as Han Solo, but it isn't letting me do any attacks.
Oh, I get it. NOW, when you play as Han, you can only defend yourself after getting hit first.
Now, every explosion in the game has an added shockwave.
Before, when you unlock the Stormtrooper, he was just called "Stormtrooper".
Now, he has a full name: Davin Felth.
They changed Boba Fett's voice, to the actor who played Jango Fett.
[Jango] Oy, crikey!
[Nerd] And at last, when Darth Vader falls out the ring, he makes a sound.
[Vader] Noooooooooooooooooooo!
[thud]
[Nerd] Yeah, well if they actually made that game, it would be better than the real version.
The real version, it's so bad, it tainted the legacy of LucasArts, and it tainted my soul!
[lightsaber activates]
[whack]
What? [whack]
Why is it just bouncing off?
Aww!