What's up, you spooky bitches!
It's Hallowe'en time, my name's Thew, and here's something I've learned about myself:
I can't really do spooky.
Like, I can't do Kubrick cerebral scary,
I can't pull off Cronenberg or Craven fright night freakout scary,
I can't even do hack-horror direct-to-Netflix jumpscare cheapout scary.
So how about, let's just do a regular-ass video about something with a silly schlocky name?
What do you say we get Spinister?
Oouuagh! Jumpscare.
Now, Spinister's one of those low-level chump characters
who's not really a safe enough bet for Hasbro to risk a whole new Generations wide-release figure of,
but he's been known to rear his daft neon head through the Collector's Club
whenever there's a half-decent helicopter mould kickin' around.
And he's also enjoyed a bit of a renaissance recently in the pages of MTMTE
and honestly, I'm really glad he's still around 'cos that name is just TOO precious!
One word and you already know he's a baddie,
he turns into a helicopter,
and nobody ever married him!
Same.
[sad music]
Anyway, this is little Spinestro's G1 figure
from off of the notoriously naff Double Targetmasters.
As a toy, it's a bit of a weird one!
I mean, the character design's pretty good, but the toy...
isn't.
Like, check him out, he's sportin' all the good Decepticon colours!
Obnoxious hot pink,
smouldering off-blue,
cheeky Cadbury's purple!
And the face is a straight up Decepticon mask à la Soundwave or Tarn!
But, my God, it's a hot mess!
I mean, look at this thing! It's just such a slop job!
Like, the body's just a single pink slab overrun with crap stickers and back kibble,
arms are just additional body blocks with like token fist bumps where his elbows should be,
head's like a single weather-beaten liquorice allsort with a mint filling,
and check out the oddly skinny legs with a single bloated mono-shin
and an oddly dainty toe-point!
I mean, not that it doesn't have a certain cheapo charm,
and if nothing else, I like where he keeps his rotors,
but it's all just so lumpen and clumsy!
So, as a Double Targetmaster, Spinister comes with two guys that turn into guns!
So this is Hairsplitter, who looks like Reflector
if Reflector was in Dragonball Z,
and this is Singe, who looks like ...Nemesis Breaker?
or like, Granite from the Rock Lords,
and they're pretty pathetic.
I mean, the proper Targetmasters were at least actual little blokes with like, arms and that?
These two just look like their own gravestones
with like, inappropriate pointy bits.
And as guns, they can either lone-wolf it, or go for the top-and-tail teamup
and then Spinister can hold 'em, and not point them at anyone?
Look, I don't wanna go too hard on the old Spinistry of Sound,
and God knows I've defended some real trash.
I mean, Spinister is exactly the kind of thing I would've loved when I was four!
But I got it when I was 33!
Too late, bitch!
And YES, I still like it, but it's not 'cos it's good!
It's 'cos of who I am as a person.
Ooh, you lucky bastard!
[DREAMY PROG METAL]
[condescending chuckle]
Transformation's actually kinda crafty!
Like, the waist and arms all work in kind of unusual ways,
and I can't think of many G1 figures where you actually HAVE to swivel the head.
Doesn't feel good though!
Feels a lot like tempting fate!
Oh, wait. Wheeljack.
So, as the name implies, Spinister turns into a
bitter old failure,
rotting all alone and getting gradually older and fatter and sicker
until he dies of angina and is eaten by his cats.
I mean,
a helicopter.
[sad music]
I suppose it's a fairly flamboyant little heavycopter!
Definitely dig the hefty bod chunk and military-grade cockpit!
Colours give it a kinda synthwavey steez,
like some 16-bit Super Thunderblade action!
Rotors are a bit of a frumpy frownfest
and these wheels are definitely roadworthy.
Doot-de-doot-de-dooo!
Wow, the aerial vehicle doot-de-doo. How absurd!
Anyway, you can bash the Targetmasters on there if you want, and...
[heavy sigh]
Look, dudes my age have zero right to complain about RID, or Rescue Bots, or The Last Knight, or whatever!
'Cos look at this! Look at some of the rubbish we like!
This is NOT quality stuff.
This is a bad toy with a bad gimmick
and it just about scrapes a C minus 'cos it relies almost entirely on imagination!
'Cos such a magnitude of what we love about old toys is in our imaginations
and our memories of what we made up as kids!
Maybe that's why Geewunners complain so much,
'cos how is a new toy ever gonna compete with
the blissful creations of a fertile infant mind?
And clearly, that's the reason I can still give a pass to late-wave lamewads like this!
I mean, look at me! I love Crankcase, and he's crap!
We were babies, and it was the eighties, and this was all we had.
So, wow, I guess little Spinister put some shit in perspective, right?
But as a toy, I can't recommend it.
I mean, he certainly has a sort of rag-tag rascally charm,
but ultimately, he's just a late-wave crudlump from 1988
that even the poor kids' parents could afford.
Pretty bad - all we had.
Ahh, that was fun!
So cheers to Rotorstorm from TFW, and uh, thanks for watching!
I'll see you for the next one! Come back any time!
I'll be here!
I'll be here all alone...
[sad music]
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Limited appeal, keeping it real.