- Hey, who left the door unlocked?
[objects clattering]
[breathing hard] I have--I have--
I have mace!
I mean, I have a mace,
the Medieval skull-crushing kind.
[light music]
[lightly suspenseful music]
Oh, my God!
We have a hobo?
[rustling] Aah!
- Hobo? I prefer vagrant.
[upbeat music]
[singing] - This is America
Land of dreams
Everyone can climb higher
- Not you, though
- You're stuck here
- 'Cause you're a part-timer
- Yeah!
- You can do anything
- As long it's not hard
- And you can go anywhere
- As soon as you get a car
- You're gonna be a huge success
- Come on, that's not who you are
- You're a part-timer cursed with full-time dreams
And this low-paying job
Is as bad as it seems
Bad as it seems
What the [bleep] are you doing here?
Whoa
What the [bleep] are you doing here?
Oh oh
- Seriously, dude. - Like, what the [bleep]?
[creak]
[crash]
- So you saw a hobo and then ran away?
- Dude, that's hobophobic.
- Look, you guys are my family,
and your safety is my top priority.
That's why I've installed a Pork E. cam
for your protection.
The feed goes right to my computer.
I can see the whole floor from my home office.
- So...
you won't be coming in anymore?
- No need.
I'm officially on full-time hobo watch.
- So what are you gonna do if you catch her--him?
- Don't worry, Ella.
I'm gonna have him arrested and prosecuted.
You should have seen this guy's nest of filth.
It was disgusting. He's a real menace.
[light music]
- Hey.
You still have a bathtub at home right?
- Right. - Cool. Cool.
Can I live in it?
- Don't you have a place with that girl from Craigslist?
- I did, I did, but it turns out
on Craigslist, roommate means drug mule.
So...
- Well, I guess you could stay at my place
for, like... a few nights.
- Yes! That would be so amazing.
That would be so, so, so, so [sings] amazing!
And don't worry.
I have lots of guys over all the time.
We're gonna get you so laid.
Yes!
[overlapping chatter, game sounds]
Ah! Ha ha!
Hi!
I'm so excited! - Okay. Yeah.
[funky music]
- Office romance.
Progressive!
- Guys, guys, you realize we're being watched right now?
First it's the cameras.
Next it's gonna be choke collars
and electrodes attached to our private areas.
If you were smart, you'd join the rebellion,
because we...
are Anonymous!
- This is a really good show.
- There's just something very sexy
about Monster Truck rallies, you know, you got the--
- Aah! - Ah! Aah!
- I can't wait to get snuggle-bugs
with you tonight, roomie! Muah!
- You know... Ella's kind of like bedbugs.
Once you let her into your apartment,
she never really leaves.
- It's just for a few nights. - Oh...[chuckles]
I'm sure that's what she told you.
I let her into my place last year,
and I still have people coming over to use my shower.
I think she might have put my address on a bus stop.
- She's my nightmare!
[line ringing]
[phone buzzing]
[chime]
Hey, it's Ian. Leave a message.
- Hey, bud. So...I was searching for hobos
when something more interesting came up.
Can you see what's going on with Mads and Ella?
I think they're hooking up.
Oh, and-- - End of message.
If you would like to re-record, press 1.
- He sent me to voicemail. Rude!
- So I do this thing called Pink Taco Tuesdays.
We can wax each other and eat tacos.
I used to just do it by myself,
but now that we're gonna be roomies--
[gasps] Oh, my God--twins!
Oh, we have to find twins! Yes!
I've always wanted to do that!
Who knows, maybe wind up on the same bed,
fishing for salmon on the Yemen--you know what I mean?
- No, Ella. Nobody knows what that means.
- I have a loose theory.
- Pete! - Sorry.
[upbeat music]
- Don't worry, Mads, I will teach you everything.
So there's the salmon and the y--
- Examine your...hymen?
Ah! Need a male on the inside.
Hey, Ian, haven't heard from you in a while,
so if you wanna give me a ring back
and let me know what's going on with the gals,
I won't have to call you a million times.
Thank you! [beep]
- Oh...
- Please, please stop saying Yemen.
- All right, that's fine. I'm sorry.
No Yemen. No problem.
You know, we'll just keep it simple.
We'll find a nice guy for you
who just wants to take a tugboat to Tuna Island!
- Ella, I don't want twins.
I don't want to go to Tuna Island--
wherever that is.
And I definitely don't want to live with you.
- Why, because I'm not sexually repressed?
- No. Because you're hygienically repressed.
- Oh! Oh, you're walking away?
Ha! No! Come back here!
I'm the one that gets to walk away.
Me, little girl.
[phone rings]
What?
- Hey, uh, quick Q.
How's your...hymen?
- Stop watching us!
- [groans] Ah!
Ha-man.
Ya-men.
Yah, mahn.
- Anton can't control us.
We do what we want when we want it!
all: Yeah! - If I wanna take
a refreshing skinny dip in the ball pit, I will!
- Yeah...
- Okay! - No.
- And Pete, how about your extra-long showers
in the staff bathroom?
Hmm? - Dude.
We're in the middle of a drought.
Do it in your car like everyone else.
- Ella, Mads, you know, you guys are best friends,
and he's tearing you apart!
- Well...work friends.
- Well, either way,
I got a plan to take this place back.
Now...who's with me?
Who's with me?
- Okay! - Yeah.
- Let's do it! Let's go!
Come on! - Raaah!
[phone rings]
- Hey, man. - Hey, man!
You got my messages!
Any juicy new developments
on any employee relationships I should know about?
- No. But I got something you might wanna see.
- Is it my Mr. Smoothie punch card?
I was only three away from a free protein boost, man.
- No, dude. Two words.
Ha-oh...bah-oh!
- What?
- Hey-u...ga-blaw!
- Dude, I can't understand you. What are you saying?
- Hobo! We caught a hobo. Get over here right now.
- Dude, I'll be right there!
- He's about to be Anonymized.
- Oh, my God. This hobo's a mastermind.
Is he still here?
- We're not hostages, Anton.
We're protestors. - We're not leaving
until you take down the Pork E. cam.
And we're prepared to stay for weeks!
- I'm prepared to stay for five minutes,
but then I'm going home.
- That's why I threw the handcuff keys
into the ball pit-- nobody leaves!
- Dinger, why? - Damn it, Dinger!
- I'm not the bad guy. He is.
- Guys, as long as we have a hobo here,
the Pork E. cam stays.
- But there is no hobo.
It's just me.
[thoughtful music]
I've been crashing here at night.
- Ella, I wish you'd told me. Now I feel really bad.
- Does that mean I can move into your bathtub?
- Uh...no.
I love you, but you're just a little too, uh...
fun.
- That's okay. You're too boring.
And I love you too. - Aw!
- Ow!
Ah, ah, ah! - Ow! Ow!
- Girls...
I just wanna let you know
I am in full support of your relationship.
Especially if you tell me everything about it.
I mean, is "Hymen Ramen" a thing,
or are you just really into lemon salmon?
- I will tell you everything
under three conditions--
You take down the security camera,
and you find all the handcuff keys.
- And...what's the third thing?
[upbeat music]
- Wakey, wakey.
- Oh, hey.
- Thanks for letting me crash on your couch.
- Oh, yeah. Of course.
That is not coffee. - No, it's soda.
I put it in the microwave.
- Oh. Okay.