Fucking finally.
Pelosi: "The action of the Trump presidency revealed
dishonorable facts of the President's betrayal of his oath of office,
betrayal of our national security, and betrayal of the integrity of our elections.
Therefore, today, I'm announcing the House of Representatives
moving forward with an official impeachment inquiry"
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you sure you Democrats aren't rushing
in this whole impeachment thing? Don't you want to take a few more years to
mull? Maybe rest up and impeach him after the next
time he's elected. After all, all Trump did was try to pressure
a foreign country into giving him dirt on an opponent.
Again. Berman: "Brand new reporting
about the whistleblower scandal consuming Washington. CNN has learned that President
Trump directed his chief of staff to freeze millions of dollars in aid to Ukraine
days before a call to the Ukrainian President in which he raised
unfounded corruption allegations against Joe Biden. He specifically targeted Ukraine upon
the urging of his personal attorney Rudy Giuliani and to the surprise of staffers."
Trump's phone call to the Ukrainian president happened the day after Robert Mueller testified
to Congress. It's like if O.J. Simpson stepped out of court
the moment after his acquittal and immediately murdered two people.
According to transcripts of their conversation, Trump called Ukrainian president
Volodymyr Zelensky and pressed him to investigate Joe Biden's son- and man clearly named by
white people- Hunter.
Now the Ukrainian authorities say there's no evidence Hunter Biden or Joe Biden did
anything wrong, except to try and bring back finger guns.
But that didn't stop Trump from trying to persuade Ukraine's president to do him a solid
in their call. Hallie Jackson: "The President says there's
a lot of talk about Biden's son. What Biden stopped the prosecution and a lot of people
what to find out about that. So again, the President says, whatever you can do with the
Attorney General would be great. Biden went around bragging that he stopped the prosecution,
so if you can look into it, it sounds horrible to me."
And according to some Republicans, this whole thing is a political disaster - for Democrats.
Hannity: "Thanks to the Left's Ukraine hysteria, they have now done America a favor, because
now Joe Biden is finally getting exposed and some richly deserved attention for his own
Ukrainian scandal." Fitton: "I'm blowing whistle on Joe Biden,
I want the Democrats to investigate Joe Biden now."
Red dress lady: "Who's the real loser here? Joe Biden is one of the real
losers in this situation because the entire country and the world are being reminded of
the absolute corruption exhibited by him."
You gotta admire Trump allies' attempt to spin this as a positive.
Actually, we're glad we shit ourselves, because now we get new pants.
And nobody's working harder to love those shitty pants than our friends at Fox and Friends.
Doocy: "No president in American history has been better prepared for an impeachment inquiry
than Donald Trump." I guess he is prepared to be impeached. Judging
from his desk, he never even unpacked.
Again, even Ukraine's government denies that Biden pressured them to stop his son from
being investigated. Which makes sense because Biden couldn't even
pressure his own face to stop his eyeballs from exploding at a town hall.
Trump's call to Ukraine's president is especially crazy because, before Zelensky was sworn into
office in May, he was actually an actor who literally starred in
a sitcom about a random dude becoming President of Ukraine.
So it was basically a conversation between someone who started his political career by
pretending to be President and another guy who started his political career by
pretending to be successful. Zelensky and Trump shared a joint press conference
today at the U.N. You can tell that Zelensky used to be an actor
because he's so good at pretending to be interested in Trump's bullshit.
Trump: "I know a lot of people from Ukraine. they're great people and I own something called
the Miss Universe Pageants years ago. I sold it to IMG. And when I ran for President, i
thought maybe it wouldn't be the greatest thing to own the Miss Universe and Miss USA
pageant, but it's a great thing and we had a winner from Ukraine and we've really had
-- we got to know the country very well in different ways. It's a country, I think, with
tremendous potential." Zelensky: "Yes I know it. Because I am from
that country." Also, Mr. Trump, please stop calling my country
Titsylvania. That whole press conference was a real roller
coaster for our President. He seems rattled.
As we learned today in an exclusive scoop from the crack journalists over at CNN,
Trump does not want to be impeached. That is completely real, by the way.
Hey, CNN, you guys okay? When he spoke to the press with Zelensky,
Trump seemed like he had lost his grip on reality.
Trump: "Nancy Pelosi, as far as I'm concerned. Unfortunately she's no longer the Speaker
of the House." You impeach me, I impeach you. How do you
like that Nancy? Boom, checks and balances. Trump has lost his grip, but at least he has
good people around him. Like Rudy Giuliani, who is in charge of denying
it, then confessing, then getting very confused on TV.
Giuliani: "I'm glad I'm on tonight because what you just said is totally erroneous.”
Cuomo: “So you did ask Ukraine to look into Joe Biden."
Giuliani: "Of course I did." Cuomo: "You just said you didn't."
Giuliani: "No, I asked them to look into the allegations which related to my client, which
tangentially involved Joe Biden." Giuliani: "You're making a big deal out of
it because you want to make a big deal." Cuomo: "We know nothing."
Giuliani: "Wait, wait, damn it! Let me finish." Cuomo: "You've been talking the whole-"
Giuliani: "You cut me off." Giuliani: "Because it is sad to watch what's
happened to you." Cuomo: "I'm a sellout?"
Giuliani: "You are a sellout." It got so out of hand that
Andy Cohen had to step in before Giuliani could throw his wine at Chris.
It's all part of Chris Cuomo's new show, "Shut up,"
"No, you shut up." Trump's staff is panicking too. This morning,
they accidentally sent their talking points to Democrats and
then emailed them again to cancel that first email.
Then they accidentally sent Democrats a third email reading,
"Oh my God, they know we did it!" Meanwhile, Trump has criticized the anonymous whistleblower,
saying they only whistle-blew for partisan reasons.
Which is sort of a galaxy-brain version of catching your
boyfriend cheating and him saying the real crime is you looking at his phone.
Which is not true at all. Because the real crime is what you did
"after" you looked at his phone. I know it's easy to dismiss the call to Ukraine
as just "another" Trump scandal. After all, we've already dealt with all of
these: Yet no matter how burnt out we feel, we should
be as disgusted by Trump pressuring foreign powers to investigate his rivals as we are
disgusted that Stephen Miller has a girlfriend.
you know what? Let me back up.
We joke a lot, but those two actually look great together. So cute.
Make no mistake, it is "bad" the President is offering to be friends with benefits with
any country that investigates his rivals. The fact that he's done it more than once
means it's not just horrifying; it's a pattern and it'll happen again.
You know, sort of like his affairs. I want to repeat that: Trump is now so openly
committing abuses of power that he's straight out admitting it.
Trump: "We had a great conversation. The conversation I had was largely congratulatory. It was largely
corruption -- all the corruption taking place. Largely the fact that we don't want our people
like Vice President Biden and his son creating to the corruption already in the Ukraine."
"We had a conversation on many things. In fact, I believe Ukraine put out a statement
yesterday saying we covered many different topics."
That's right, they discussed many topics important to Trump, ranging from
investigating Joe Biden and his son to which Muppet has the best rack. Trick question,
it's Fozzie. He has eight gorgeous teats.
Today, Trump and his team are running around like chickens with their heads cut off.
But remember, they're actually very good at shaping the public narrative.
Over the next few weeks and months, we'll see a lot of people moving the goal posts
about what constitutes an impeachable offense. A lot of Trump allies will tell us that it's
outrageous to even consider holding impeachment proceedings unless we have footage of Trump
literally exchanging a sack of cash for dirt on his enemies. Threats don't have to be spelled
out to be threats. "Hey, tiny country, please look into my rivals"
isn't an innocent request any more than (mob voice)
"Nice pizza joint, shame if anything happened to it" is a simple flattering Yelp review.
There doesn't need to be a clear quid pro quo to meet the standard for high crimes and
misdemeanors. In fact, an impeachable offense doesn't even
have to be a crime. I'll let this renowned constitutional scholar
explain it. Graham: “He doesn't have to say ‘go lie
for me’ to be a crime. You don't have to say ‘let's obstruct justice’ for it to
be a crime. You judge people on their conduct, not magic.”
Lindsay Graham: “I think that's what they meant by high crimes. Doesn't even have to
be a crime. It's just when you start using your office and you're acting in a way that
hurts people. You've committed a high crime.” Hey, that guy's got a point.
Democrats, maybe you should hire him. We'll be right back.