- Happy New Year, everybody.
[APPLAUSE]
You're the seri-- and I'm going to say
this seri-- you're the best audience we've had all year.
[APPLAUSE]
Isn't that funny?
It's 2019.
It's exciting to start a new year.
It's full of possibilities.
If you-- look to your right, everybody.
Look to your right.
Now, look to your left.
One of you will be hosting the Oscars this year.
[APPLAUSE]
Congratulations.
You had a good holiday, everybody?
[CHEERING]
Yeah?
Oh, good.
Good.
I tried to focus on what was important--
eating as much as I could before I had to go on a diet.
That's what I did.
Every year, everyone's number one resolution
is to lose weight.
And there's a new diet every year.
They always seem so promising.
Last year, I tried something called the blood type diet.
Have you heard of the blood type diet?
It's a great diet if you want to lose weight and also
be tired and angry at the same time.
I got an appointment with a doctor who specializes
in the blood type diet.
I went to his office.
I get undressed down to my underwear.
I get on the table and I start singing "I Will Survive"
as loud as I can.
And-- I'm sorry.
I'm thinking of my 60th birthday.
I'm sorry.
That was not at the doctor's office.
But Portha and I--
Portia-- Portha--
I call her Portha.
It's a nickname I have.
Portha.
Portia and I did the same test but we had different results.
They both came back gay but other things were different.
[LAUGHTER]
We had the gay blood.
But then the other things--
apparently there are 160 different types of blood,
and for each type, there are foods that you cannot eat.
And it's very specific.
You get a list.
Like, you can have buckwheat but you can't have couscous.
But someone else can have buckwheat and you can't.
It's really, really specific.
Like, you can have limes, but you can't
have lemons, which is my list.
And which is really tough, because now when
life hands me lemons, I'm fat.
For my blood test, it came back that I can't have caffeine.
[GROANING]
So, yeah.
So I have to change my blood.
[LAUGHTER]
The popular diet this year is the Keto.
Do you know about the Keto diet?
Oh, everyone knows about it.
Everyone's trying it, I guess.
It's people who want to diet.
And it sounds like it's a DJ In Las Vegas, so it's also cool.
But, basically, when you're on the Keto diet,
you're supposed to get 80% of your calories from fat.
I'm sure you know this because you knew about the diet.
And it works for some people-- not everyone.
You shouldn't do it if you have kidney or liver problems,
or if you don't want to sweat butter.
[LAUGHTER]
But-- instead of a towel, you just get toast
and you just rub it along and just butter your bread.
But if you really want to lose weight,
I know a diet that's guaranteed to work.
All you have to do is dance like these people
in my audience did last year.
3, 2, 1.
Let go.
Level up.
All this on me, so yummy.
All this oh so yummy.
You know you want this yummy, yummy all in your tummy.
Level up.
All this on me so yummy.
All this oh so yummy.
You know you want this yummy, yummy all in your tummy.
All this oh so level, on another level.
Elevate your level.
Le- le- le- le- level.
Level up.
All this on me so yummy.
All this oh so yummy.
You know you want this yummy, yummy all in your tummy.
Oh.
[APPLAUSE]
Yes.