[APPLAUSE]
Thank you very much, everybody.
Thanks so much.
Andy just noticed that I'm here.
He was looking down, doing something, probably
on his phone, and then realized the show has started,
and I'm here.
How are you doing, Andy?
Hi, Ellen.
Good to see you.
It's good to see you.
It's good to see all of you.
Hi, smiling faces, happy people.
We're in a pandemic.
I don't know if this is news to you or not.
But we're in a pandemic.
And it's hard to do anything at all.
So thank you for being here.
Thanks for putting on your cleanest shirt
that you could find on your floor.
And you smelled it, and you said, that's good enough.
That'll do.
Ellen doesn't know I wore this yesterday.
She didn't see me yesterday.
[LAUGHTER]
I think you look wonderful, all of you.
We're all stuck at home.
There's nothing left to do.
We've watched all of Netflix.
We've finished every puzzle.
We've even bake bread.
It's like we've all turned into old-timey pioneers.
[LAUGHTER]
Now I know why pioneers wore bonnets. it was hiding the baby
bangs they gave themselves.
[LAUGHTER]
A lot of people--
I have too much Chapstick on.
Sorry.
I feel like-- you know when you put too much-- it's Aquaphor,
actually.
Send me some, Aquaphor.
[LAUGHTER]
You know when you put too much on
and you feel like your lips are not going to come apart?
That's how much I have on.
Anyway, a lot of people have been crafting during COVID.
How many people here have been crafting?
[APPLAUSE]
A lot more probably, but your hands are glued together
so you can't [INAUDIBLE].
[LAUGHTER]
Andy, what did you drop?
I'm good.
You're good?
Yeah.
What did he drop?
He dropped his headset.
You dropped your headset.
Yeah, I'm OK.
OK.
Andy is, as we all know, he's like a little boy.
He can't sit still.
And he loves hot glue guns not because he knows how to craft.
But he found one backstage, and he plays with it
until he burns his fingers.
He also sticks his fingers into hot wax.
Why do you do those things, Andy?
I don't know.
I just-- I love a prop department.
So I love going back there because they
have different things I can play with.
And there's something about the hot glue and the pain.
But then I can shake it.
It's just nice.
You're saying you're into pain.
No.
I just like--
I like to create with my hands.
Does anyone else-- I'm just curious.
Be honest now.
Anyone else stick their fingers in hot wax and let it--
Right?
These are my people.
There's about nine people and probably more.
Other people not sure they want to share, and that's fine.
[LAUGHTER]
Anyway, I wanted to see what people were crafting,
so I looked up some homemade crafts online.
And oh, boy, whoa, girl, and ay caramba.
They tried, is what I'll say.
I came across this.
Is it a sock?
Is it a sweater?
Is it a mitten?
Is she OK?
[LAUGHTER]
Now, it must have taken a lot of time and patience
to make a mistake that big, right?
It's a good thing she stopped when she did.
It's like if Bernie Sanders' mittens were an entire outfit.
I got to admit, it looks cozy as hell.
She told date, hold on while I slip into something
more comfortable.
[LAUGHTER]
I don't know if you were counting,
but you got five jokes for that one.
[APPLAUSE]
Normally, I'll give you one joke for something.
You got five.
You're here for a special day.
Then there's this chair someone made.
[LAUGHTER]
Listen, it's talented.
But the more you look at it, you're
sitting in someone's crotch.
It's upside down jeans.
And you're in several people's crotches, really.
[LAUGHTER]
This last one started out as an innocent doily
and turned into this.
I think it's supposed to be a bookmark
with a heart at the end.
That's not what it looks like, though.
[LAUGHTER]
Is it just me?
It's been a while.
I don't know.
That's all I can handle for now.
I think you get the point--
the needle point.
Get it?
Because of crafts, we're talking about crafts.
And technically, I didn't show you needlepoint,
but it still worked.
Anyway--