Welcome back to United States of Europe!
So much ridiculous news coming out of the EU. Let's ridicule it, shall we?
Starting with the German election!...
Sorry I nodded off a little bit during that last phrase.
But don't worry! There's plenty of hilariousness about the German election!
Here's everything you need to know in 5 jokes.
Number 5: German election reactions!
So many of the right people are kind of pissed off
at Merkel winning her 4th term.
Vladimir Putin is like:
"Oh! So when a woman wins four times in a row no one calls it cheating -?"
Donald Trump is like
"I prefer female leaders who can win erections."
And Great Britain!
"Without us, the EU is basically just one big United States of Germany!"
Germany's like "JA!"
"It's working out pretty well for us, actually. Our economy is doing fine."
"How are you doing, Great Britain?"
"Oops! your credit rating just got downgraded."
"Would you like a loan? You could be the new Greece!"
At Number 4: The Return of the Nazis -?
Now, this is what you may have heard, but it's not really true.
I mean, it's not like at a Trump rally.
But yes, the far-right Alternative für Deutschland party
They came in third place. But they insist there's no
no comparison to the Nazis.
One of the founders of the party, he has said
"There's no reason for Jewish people to be worried."
Excuse me...
WHY would you even...
...unless you...?
I mean, fine. No, fine. There's no reason.
First the mentally retarded.
And then the disabled, and the gypsies...
Number 3: It Really Is Not about the Nazis.
Maybe it's more about the 800,000 refugees that Merkel
personally invited into the country in 2015.
Maybe the surprise is not that AfD
came in third place. The surprise is that they didn't come in first.
Look, I think Europe needs refugees. I like that we have refugees.
I like pizza... but
a hundred thousand pizzas at the same time -?
Even the most progressive Germans were like:
"Oh! That's... that was a lot of Pizza..."
Number 2: A Victory for the Alt-Right.
Now, the Alternative für Deutschland party had a lot of backing
from the usual suspects, such as:
Robert Mercer, the tech genius billionaire
behind Brexit and Trump - who likes to keep a low profile, because it helps his cause,
which is why we'll show his picture right now.
This is Robert Mercer!
He and Russia both tried to influence the German election with good old FakeNews,
which was so effective with Brexit and Trump.
But somehow not so effective in Germany.
"Oh, these details - they're unreal!"
And Germans were like: "I agree. They are unreal. I do not believe it is real."
Germans were like "...Nein."
And Number 1: The Winners Lose!
Now, you can tell that the
German election had the same backers as Brexit because as soon as the upstarts won,
they split like rats from a sinking ship.
Remember Nigel Farage? They told him "Yay, you won!"
"...where are you going?"
Nigel was like "I was just leaving."
"And because I hate Europe so much, that's why I'm retiring in Spain."
Similarly, 24 hours after Alternative für Deutschland leader
Frauke Petry won her place in Parliament, she announced: she's quitting!
So no, there's no comparison between Frauke Petry and the Nazis.
But she sure knows how to drop a bomb.