Item #: SCP-80RK-J
Object Class: Apollyon, but could be considered Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: Members of SCP-80RK-J are to be held in a life sized
replica of the Taj Mahal constructed of pure moonbeams inlaid with gold.
The containment site is to be equipped with at least 3.2 million boutique artisanal chew
toys.
Alternatively, members of SCP-80RK-J could be housed in a standard animal containment
unit.
It is to have 30 meals a day consisting solely of the souls of their enemies.
Enemies of SCP-80RK-J include, but are not limited to: Fascists, People with a negative
score on the aura evaluation test, members of the species Homo erectus, and cats.
A minimum standard of 3 meals a day of animal grade kibble could also be acceptable.
Personnel subject to being in the same site as members of SCP-80RK-J are to be reclassified
as Z-Class until all members of SCP-80RK-J have been transferred.
Reclassification to E-Class could be authorized until such time as a definition for Z-Class
personnel is established.
A massive pool party is to be thrown with the pool to be entirely filled with $100 notes
and staffed by approximately all of the hookers.
Although, a minimum of zero hookers could be allowed.
Personnel attending any such pool party, should it exist, are to be given Class X amnestics
and any personnel leaving with any of the $100 notes from the pool are to be terminated
or could have standard embezzlement disciplinary action filed against them.
Any attempts to bring members of SCP-80RK-J into contact with a member of the overseer
council is to result in orbital ejection or death.
Members of SCP-80RK-J are to have their genitalia ceremoniously eviscerated, as per standard
animal spay and neutering procedure, as soon as they are identified by Foundation personnel.
Members of SCP-80RK-J are not under any circumstances allowed to breed.
Personnel encouraging members of SCP-80RK-J to breed are to be drawn and quartered at
the soonest available time, or terminated in any other way if a horse is not available.
Description: SCP-80RK-J is a breed of the species Canis familiaris.
It is distinguished by its regal flowing mane that can measure as much as 30km in length
in brown, beige, or combat coloration and its cognitohazardous effect on all members
of lifekind, however members outside the species Homo sapiens could be said to be immune.
Any description of any kind described while in the effect of SCP-80RK-J become absolutely
disproportionate to something that could be considered remotely near accurate to any physical
universe that does or could be theorized to exist.
This effect could have been shown not to manifest in hypothetical statements following the initial
descriptions.
The range of this effect has been shown to be upwards of several million light years,
although it could be as little as 10km.
Attempts to remove the affected descriptions only serves to anger the thaumatergical entities
that control the universe and cause them to hate all of reality even more than they already
do and bring our inevitable end even closer than it already is or could result in even
more outlandish descriptions than were previously produced.
Unsurprisingly, this effect can have absolutely disastrous consequences, resulting in a Double-ΩK-Class
End-of-Consensus-Reality scenario if left unchecked, but more often could result in
minor headaches for Foundation staff.