- I'm Judge Jackie. (mischievous music)
Today, I'm gonna hear two spicy, spicy, hot takes
and decide which one I agree with most.
I have not heard either of these,
and I have no idea what is about to happen,
but I must agree with one of them.
Welcome to Hot Take Court.
(gavel hits) - Ow, ow!
- Amanda, state your take.
- Hi.
I'm Amanda Lehan-Canto, and my hot take is sex is boring.
- Of course it is.
Of course.
- It's pretty simple.
Sex is basically sleeping with movement.
Let's be real.
You're on your back the entire time.
Missionary.
Everyone does missionary.
- Yeah?
- Your back is starting to ache.
You're basically thrusting a few times.
Let's be honest, two to three minutes.
- I'm sorry. (laughs)
- You're staring at the ceiling waiting for it to end,
and then when it finally does, what do you do?
You go right to sleep.
You know what's fun?
Skydiving.
That's more fun to me than sex.
- When was the last time you came?
- Never.
Because most people don't.
It is a lie that orgasm is real.
(Jackie giggles)
- Your counter, Damien.
- Sex can be a million different things.
There's great sex, which is mind blowing or life affirming.
It can make you feel alive.
Of course, on the other side of the coin, there is bad sex.
Bad sex can be a little bit embarrassing,
a little bit frustrating, a little bit disappointing,
but that's certainly not boring.
It can be done by yourself, with others,
planes, trains, and automobiles,
there's no wrong way to do it. - Oh, oh okay.
- Just don't break any laws.
- Did you say you were having sex
with automobiles and trains and panes?
- Those are more about location.
- Of course you have to add in automobiles
and trains and submarines and roller coasters.
You gotta add in all these fun locations.
Do you know what I'd rather do?
Eat a cooked chicken and take a gorgeous dump.
That would be more exciting than having sex.
- I do believe (suspicious music)
we have a witness.
Oh God! (laughs)
No!
- [Amanda] Thank you.
- [Jackie] Ooh god.
- I'd like to swear in.
- Okay.
I swear to told the whole truth, nothing but the truth
so help me gobble me, swallow me.
- Witness, we would love to hear your experience.
- I'm sorry, is this my parole hearing?
- It is not.
- Okay.
- No, it is not.
- You're here to support me.
- Okay, here's the tea.
(crew laughing)
Sex is so goddamn (beep) boring.
- Oh geez.
- Fascinating.
- [Amanda] Thank you.
- I'm just like, there are so many
more interesting, exciting, stimulating things.
Like, okay, like eating exotic meats.
- Oh. Yeah. - [Amanda] Yeah.
- Like eagle.
Have you guys tried terraporting?
It's where you sky dive from a plane with a strap on,
and it's the thrill of like, if the parachute doesn't work,
then you're gonna (beep) the planet and that's not sex.
That's power.
That is power.
Have you ever tried when you're at the beach,
and like you run toward the wave,
and then the wave starts coming towards you
so that you run away from it?
- I would argue that that is called edging,
when you're almost gonna be hit by the wave,
and then you run away.
How exciting!
See, everything you're describing
has an aspect of sex to it,
and just because those things are awesome, and trust me,
all the things you said are a hundred percent awesome,
it doesn't mean that sex can't also be exciting.
You want to eat an eagle?
Eat an eagle in the bedroom.
Maybe it's an aphrodisiac. - No!
We're not.
We are not eating eagles! (gavel slamming)
- I didn't bring any.
- They are protected!
- They were. - Where?
- Oh my God- - Here!
They're protected! - Use protection, eagles.
- I'm ready for the second hot take.
- Thank you, Jackie.
And may I just say my first statement?
Hi, my name is Damien Haas,
and I firmly believe from the bottom of my bones
that all crusty-eyed white dogs
need to be straight up ended.
- What?
- Picture if you will, the mighty wolf,
the leader of the pack.
However, with a few hundred years of breeding
and in-breeding, humanity's hubris
has produced a sweet little puppo
that you can hang out with all the time.
We didn't stop while we were ahead, though.
Continued in-breeding and destruction
of this beautiful species has led to
the crusty-eyed white little dog.
Its name is either Barbara, Betty, Dolly, or Darla,
and there are no other names.
And this thing
does not want to be around. (bell dings)
Like a banana.
It is genetically a clone of all the rest of them,
and they're not doing great.
I take no pleasure in this.
It is for them.
They need to be ended.
- I'm taking a lot of pleasure out of that.
- Now you're giving the pleasure talk?
- How would you feel if you were dressed up all in white,
fed basically saucy rawhide ribs,
and were forced to rub your butt on the ground
and sleep on the floor?
- [Brianna] Why don't I feel like
you've been talking about me the last two minutes?
(Jackie giggles)
- Your coat is gonna get stained.
That is not your problem.
Your eyes are gonna get goopy.
That is not your problem.
They shouldn't apologize
for just being their truest selves.
- We all wake up with little eye crust sometimes.
- Not I, but continue.
- Not you, 'cause you're perfect.
And may I just say you look fantastic today, Judge Jackie.
- Thank you.
- You look incredible, Judge.
- Thank you.
- [Damien] Even better than that.
- [Amanda] You look gorgeous, Judge.
- Crust color in your eyes
is usually a pretty like natural,
like beige kind of situation.
And yeah, that makes sense.
Is it ever beet red?
No!
Can you tell me why a crusty white dog
always has beet red goo around their eyes?
If I was bleeding beet red, take me to the doctor,
and if nothing can be done, just deal with me.
- You know owns crusty white dogs?
The top people of our society.
Rich people, they love crusty white dogs.
And old people.
They have been around forever.
They know how the world works,
and you know what they still decide?
To get a crusty white dog.
Because they are smart.
- I personally have a cat.
I believe we have another witness.
Witness, let's see ya!
(mischievous music)
(Mr. Muffins grunts) - Oh sweet, sweet baby.
- Wow, that dog is walking itself.
- My name's Mr. Muffins
and I've been live for 19 goddamn years.
- Good for you.
- My ancestors were wolves. (laughs)
But me, I'm just in a abomination of nature.
Every day, I pray for the sweet release of death,
even though I know when I die,
I will neither go to hell nor heaven
because neither place wants me.
- Oh my God. (Brianna laughs)
- But humans had to play God.
(Jackie grunting)
This is the reality that "Jurassic Park" (laughing)
was talking about.
- Sorry. (laughs)
- Hey Mr. Muffins, I very much feel you.
I do have a question.
Would you say that your very existence right now
on this mortal plane is in and of itself hell?
- As close as it can get.
Perhaps worse.
- [Damien] Okay.
- Why is it worse?
- [Shayne] That type of pain that I feel,
it's going, it's blowing in all cylinders at all times.
- What part of the East Coast are you from?
(group giggling)
- With how I am and how I feel,
it's like Pittsburgh times five.
(Jackie snickers)
- Oh, well, you can't deny that.
That's bad.
- The only good thing that I bring to this planet
is that I am possible prey for every single animal I see.
(Jackie laughing)
If I got taken for walks at the park, God help me.
Everything was salivating!
The hawks were swarming.
The coyotes would come out from their depths.
- [Damien] Damn dog, you talk.
- Even the squirrels were like, "I'm gonna get you!"
It was truly awful.
- I do have a question.
Mr. Damien Haas, he said he wanted to end you.
Are you in agreement that you would like to be ended?
- In any way possible.
I don't care how excruciating.
Darwin, I mean, he's rolling over in his grave
with my existence.
I'm disproving evolution entirely.
Like what the hell am I?
- I have a question.
Do you know any commands?
- I know them, but my only reaction is to shake and piss.
(group chuckles)
- Oh honey, who hurt you?
- Now is the time where I decide
which hot take I agree with most.
I'm Judge Jackie and I hereby deem that
sex is boring. (gavel hits)
- Yes!
Yes!
- Agree, agree, bitch.
- Ah, nuts!
- Thank you.
I can pay off the lawyers.
- Amanda's right.
Sex sucks.
It's boring.
You really need to skydive as much as possible
if you want any thrills in your life.
- And if you- - [Damien] But that's
up to you!
That's your choice.
(group talking over one another indistinctly)
- And this has been Hot Take Court.
If you have any hot takes,
please leave them in the comments below
so we can have them in the courtroom for next time.
Make sure you subscribe,
make sure you like this video ,
and turn on the notification bell,
and we will see you next time.
(gavel hits)
- Ow.
(Jackie laughs)
- Break another bone, huh champ?
- Yeah.