Hi! My name is Eddie. Little Eddie.
I'm thinking, "What's the rest of my name?"
There's Eddie boy.
And that's how I get ready every morning.
Ta-da.
This is my house.
This is 851.
851 ½, sorry.
My parents' is 851.
And this is my small apartment/bedroom.
This is also where I’ve lived for the past 12 years now.
Which is kind of a big part of who I am.
I spent a lot of time swimming in that pool, playing all sorts of games.
And one of the funniest things is, one year I just got so girly that my friend was like,
“It’s really weird when you swim without a top on.”
[Laughs]
So, even before coming out as trans, I wasn’t allowed to swim topless.
Hi, Dad.
Hi.
Lucky…
Cheese!
When I was 4 or 5, I realized that I wasn’t a girl…
…it was supposed to be that I was going to become a father and not a mother.
And so, that is where things sort of started.
Eddie’s talking about a video, Cinderella Castle, and the scene where…
the stepmothers tear off the dress that Cinderella is wearing.
We aren’t going to it? No, I’m not going to the ball?
You’re not going to the ball.
For the longest time, I had this fantasy that I’d escape to that a fairy godmother…
…would come and turn me into a girl and make everything better.
And it was such an escape for me.
She came to me one time when she was about 4 years old, crying and saying that,
“Daddy, I want to be a girl.”
At the time, I just thought she was going through some kind of a phase.
I think she was 10 years old, she said something about, “I feel like I’m 2 persons inside of me…
“…one like a boy, Eddie, and then, the other is a girl.”
When it was explained to myself that I was a boy, it was because God had made me that way.
Which didn’t make a really great relationship, as a 5-year-old, between me and God.
Along with the Mormon culture and how it can be
…really difficult to understand something…
…when it’s either not prevalent, or it’s just hidden.
And then when she got to be about 16, she had a girlfriend.
So he had a girlfriend.
And things seemed like they were getting better.
She was less effeminate in the way she did things, I thought, “OK, it was just a phase, everything’s fine.”
In our church, in the LDS Church, she was ordained to the priesthood…
…and was the first assistant to the bishop. And so she was very involved.
And so I came home one day because she hadn’t shown up at church.
And she was still in bed and I came in and I said, “Hey, what’s the deal?”
And she started crying and she said, “Dad, let’s face it, I’m gay.”
I came out as gay, but that was sort of my excuse to be myself, which was a woman.
So I wore women’s clothing, but I told everybody that I was gay.
And you know I had feminine features, even though I was a boy.
And a lot of people would think that I was a girl.
And they would stop me from going into the bathrooms.
And I was just loud and proud of being gay.
And not being very good at being gay.
On top of being really conservative, LDS,
…we also went to a Mormon private school, my sister and I both.
So, being LDS was our life.
It’s one of the reasons that, I didn’t find out about what being trans was…
…until I was an adult and out of high school.
A lot of people, they think, “You didn’t know what gay people were…
“…until you were 14 or 15 years old? Where have you lived?!”
Well, I was living in Utah, in a saturated Mormon community,
and home-schooled or going to a Mormon private school.
So there was not an opportunity to learn about things that were different or inappropriate.
Even before I came out, I always spent tons of time getting ready.
My sister, who is much more relaxed and in herself…
…wouldn’t take as much time getting ready.
And my dad had this joke that he would tell, “Eddie spends all this time getting ready…
“…because Shirley is so beautiful.”
And normally, you’ll say that with a brother and sister involved, and it is not a big deal.
But, to me, I was a boy, but I didn’t really feel like a boy,
and to hear my dad say that I wasn’t as beautiful as my sister was…
…it was really hard. And I didn’t have any confidence in my appearance.
Growing up and seeing my sister get asked out on dates and taken to the dance…
…to a 15-year-old, that’s important, and that was really hard.
And, I was like, “Of course, I’m this ugly boy…
“…and my sister is this beautiful girl.” So, that was really, a really difficult thing for me to deal with.
You know, being in a Mormon private school, I didn’t graduate.
I just stopped going when I came out.
We sent Eddie to Japan to stay with his grandparents for about six months.
I was watching TV with my grandparents and they had this panel of 100 trans people.
My grandma turned to me and was like, “Oh this is all about you.”
And I thought, “No, grandma, this is not. I am different than that.”
And then, all of a sudden, that hit her and then started to watch what was going on…
…as she really realized that that is what she has.
It was months later that she came in to me and she said, “Dad, I want you to know…
“…I’m not really gay…
“…I’m a woman that is trapped in a man’s body and that’s why I thought I was gay.”
And then she immediately said, “But don’t worry, I’m not going to get a sex-change operation or anything.”
Because I think she was worried about me.
One event that was a real turning point was, one night I was sitting on the couch…
…and Eddie came walking in, and she sat down on the couch.
And she had a really strange look on her face.
I had this dream that, and it was a recurring dream, that I had chopped off my penis.
And I was in a really dark space and not necessarily logical.
And her plan was to perform the operation on herself. And we lived just across the street from a hospital.
And she said, “I knew you could get me to the hospital before I died…
“…and then I wouldn’t have this thing anymore, that I hate.”
And she said, “I started to do the operation, and then I realized that I had a serious problem.”
I think they took it more seriously…
…realizing I needed to take some more serious steps.
And we got me in to counseling.
And after being diagnosed, I was then able to start taking hormones…
…change my name, and all those things.
And work towards surgery.
We believe that the church leaders are receiving revelation that helps them to be able to…
…better serve in the callings that we’re given in the priesthood.
We have the “Proclamation to the World” on the family…
…which states very clearly that a marriage is between a man and a woman.
In my opinion, Eri is a woman. And so I don’t see a problem with that.
And I’m hoping that the leaders of the church are going to see it that way.
And that she will be able to get married.
She won’t be able to have children, but she can hopefully adopt children.
I’m willing to do all these things.
But, even if I were to do all of them, there are specific limitations…
…whether it be biological, or, the church principles that say that a trans person…
…even after SRS, can’t go to the temple.
Which means you can’t have a temple marriage. You can’t have kids.
It’s like, why try if you are going to fail?
She hasn’t been coming to church with us for quite a while.
I think it’s difficult for her to come there because she does feel like she is judged sometimes from people.
She has a strong belief and a strong faith.
And I just want the obstacle removed that keeps her from being able…
…to live the faith that she’s always believed in her whole life.
And some parts of the religion still filtered through and are a part of me…
…and who I am today.
But, a lot of that kind of got filtered out.
And I should go back…
…and see if those are parts that I want to reincorporate in this person that I am now.
But, at the same time, I’m really busy with transitioning.
I think maybe being so unhappy in my body for the longest time helped me…
…really separate what are physical things and what are my spiritual components.
I don’t think that I succumbed to my body.
I think I succumbed to my spirit and what it needed.
It was just like letting go…
…and letting the picture come into focus by itself without me trying…
…to force it to be something that it’s not.
But, when it comes down to it, the only thing I can believe in is the relationship between me and God.
And if something happens and I was wrong…
…then that is OK because at least I made that decision myself.
If we were to all die and be resurrected tomorrow, and this young man comes up to me…
…and says, “Dad, look, I got resurrected as a man, but I’m OK with that.”
I don’t know that I would be OK with that.
Because I would say, “Where’s my daughter? And who is this young man that I don’t know?”
I’m hoping that this documentary that you are shooting…
…will be watched by some parents.
And that maybe something that we’ve said…
…will help them and through helping them, will help their children.