As you can tell from the title
as your Career Bestie,
we're about to have a tough conversation.
Because this is something that I have noticed
with toxic job escapees and toxic job survivors
who are really struggling to get over their toxic job.
Kind of, they try all of the things...
They watch all of the videos,
they go to all of the therapy,
they're seeing all of these coaches,
and they're just really struggling to get past their toxic job.
And one commonality I have seen has been
how they refer to themselves too.
And it's indicative of a mindset that I really want to
make sure that you avoid, or that you choose to drop today.
So we are going to be talking about a victim mindset.
I had a whole script ready because this is a sensitive topic.
And I want to make sure that
I'm being careful about what I'm saying.
But honestly, I recorded it and it just didn't feel like my vibe.
I didn't feel like it was the right conversation and the right flow.
So I'm just turning on my camera,
I'm going to do minimal editing on this one.
And let's just be real.
So first of all, we need to differentiate being a victim
from being victimized. Anyone can be victimized,
like, you can't control if a toxic boss is
psychologically abusive towards you,
I know, that's like, kind of intense to start this video off.
But you know, it's true, you don't control the behavior of
toxic people at work, you don't control the behavior of,
you know, the people that are delightful to work with either.
They choose how they conduct themselves, right.
Now, when we see that they act how they act,
and that it has nothing to do with us,
even though it's happening to us.
And of course, this isn't to like discount the harm the trauma
that does occur in a toxic work environment.
That is very real, it requires healing.
It is like negative vibes are real.
And we're going to talk about that in just a minute.
But there but when it's aimed at us,
and we start to adopt the victim mindset and identify as a victim,
this has a very different connotation,
because now being a victim is our identity.
And when we think about what a victim is,
well, a victim is powerless,
a victim has no control,
a victim doesn't have any power.
And things are just happening to a victim.
And they're in this disadvantage state but also
in this traumatized state.
And so when we call ourselves victims,
I really think that we are to a certain degree
undermining our power and our potential, if that makes sense.
And like, again, I'm not saying any of this to judge you,
if you have identified as a victim at any point in time,
the reason why I'm making this today is because
I don't want you to continue to do so from
your toxic work environment indefinitely.
So I want to start with the concept of not being in control
and that things are just happening.
And this is I know very common in a toxic work environment.
And it is part of the manipulation that
happens in a toxic work environment. And that's why
we feel really stuck and why we stay,
even when we know we should leave and all of those things.
But the thing is, is that when we objectively step back
and look at it, and this is much easier to do when
you're not in it anymore, I promise you that,
but when we step back, we see that there's a lot of things
that we do have control over.
And we have control over who we choose to work with.
And where we choose to work.
Like you can leave, you can find another job
and leave that toxic job. I know that feels hard, i
t doesn't always feel possible. But it is something
that you can do. And you know you can...
some people are in the financial position to
just go in and quit their job or to change teams.
Like there's all of these options that are available.
And I know that the world starts to feel very limited
when we're going through this.
And that is actually a trauma response of not feeling options.
And it's because we're just in this constant survival mode.
But we actually do have a lot of control,
we have control over our boundaries,
our physical boundaries, our emotional boundaries,
our psychological boundaries, our energetic boundaries,
like I'm just not available to receive that energy.
And I know that that's a hard place to be in.
And I'm going to be creating more content on that in a few weeks.
So make sure you're subscribed if you want to
hang out for that one, because I think it's really important.
But there's so much control that we do have
and so much that we can do even when it didn't feel like it.
And part of it is that when we survived the toxic job,
we kind of formed these stories and these beliefs that
we didn't have any control, and that we didn't have any say.
But what if you were to go back from a more empowered place
and analyze and think about the things that you
actually objectively could control.
Would they be easy? Not necessarily.
Would it be hard? Maybe.
But there was all of these choices and decisions that
were still available for you to make because you're
still a human with freewill, right.
And then the other thing is that, you know,
feeling disempowered and this is something that I think i
s so common, I mean it is when we look at the dynamics i
n a toxic work environment, all of the kind of the
toxic behaviors and and things that happen I
t is to make you feel like you don't have any power,
like you are not awesome.
Like you are not worthy of confidence.
That you can't trust yourself, and all of these things.
And again, we can objectively step back,
especially again, much easier when we're not in the situation.
But we can step back, and we can start asking ourselves like,
is that true? Because I think that each of you
has an enormous amount of power,
you have an enormous amount of potential,
and that the dynamics of the toxic work environment
have kind of clouded the ability for you to see that.
And the more that you can reinstate and realize your power
and standing in your power and own your power,
that the more kind of liberated you are from
the toxic work environment. And like you don't feel..
You can't feel like a victim when you feel powerful.
And when you feel like you're in control,
and that you have the say in your life and your career
and that you are in control of your career out of your life.
Let me know if that makes sense.
So that was something that I really wanted to talk to you about today.
The other thing is kind of going into that,
like the world is just happening to me.
And the thing is, is that when we look into the dynamics
of a toxic work environment is that they're both
triggering and instilling beliefs about ourselves.
We've talked about this multiple times,
and videos that I've made about recovering from
a toxic work environment and things like that.
But when we're in a toxic work environment,
we are adapting behaviorally in order to like,
you know, make ourselves less visible to make
ourselves let's see, to make ourselves less targeted.
We're developing coping mechanisms as well to minimize
kind of the harm and the trauma that are occurring to us
from a toxic boss or toxic coworkers, whatever.
But then what happens is that when we leave that environment,
those behaviors are going with us.
I also put an article up on LinkedIn last week,
where I talked about what happens with trauma in the brain
and workplace trauma is trauma.
And trauma actually changes your brain.
We've talked about it here, too, when you're in this
like confrontational conflict driven, toxic work environment,
your amygdala is constantly being activated,
that is your fight flight or freeze mode.
So when that is active, the rational center of your brain
actually shuts down, we can't think
from our logical prefrontal cortex.
So it impacts these two areas of our brain.
It also impacts our hippocampus, which is
impacting things like long term memory.
So there are actual brain changes that can occur.
Now I'm a big believer in neuroplasticity,
that these changes can be undone,
that recovery is available.
And I do believe that the science backs it up,
and also just my hippie beliefs and vibes do back this up.
And I touched on this last week too, and I want to
talk to you more generally. And that is the negativity
that happens in a toxic work environment.
Obviously, if you're still in a toxic work environment,
you're probably feeling it. But when you leave the
toxic work environment, you imagine that like that's
ust gonna go away, like,
Oh, yeah, good thing that's behind me.
And I'm not like in those toxic vibes anymore.
But the thing is, is that that toxic energy does have
the ability to kind of stay with you. And so you feel
kind of like low and you feel drained, and you feel
unconfident, and all of these things. And that's
something that we need to intentionally undo.
So the tips that I gave you in last week's video,
even if you've left, a toxic work environment
are going to be really effective in terms of elevating your vibe,
however, I'm a big believer in that we need to go
through and we need to actually process we need to
unpack our toxic job, if we want to get over our toxic job.
Now, I'm really like, I feel really lucky and fortunate that
I've gotten like hundreds, if not 1000s of messages
from career besties who hang here, and that
you've watched my videos, and you've been able to
do this and you've been able to like, get over your toxic job
and like have this fantastic career and this fantastic life.
That's like literally why I'm here,
doing what I do for free on my channel.
And then obviously, in my paid workshops and programs as well.
But we need to actually get through the process
of like clearing that and I know some people can
do it on their own, they messaged me, but
that when I see that that can also be very triggering,
because if you haven't done that, that it's like,
Okay, like why am I so broken that I can't do this on my own?
Well do take into consideration that we have
sometimes differences in support system,
like there's a very different experience that you have
when you have you know, a partner or friends who
totally understand your toxic work environment or like,
you know, are just willing to listen and to understand
what you're going through and help you process that,
you know, therapists can be very, very helpful
with this because they're looking towards the past.
But then we also need to look towards the future,
and to understand what we want our careers to look like,
because that can feel very limited in a toxic work environment, right?
And when we feel like you know,
all jobs are going to be toxic, and that we
spot the toxicity everywhere.
Part of that is part of the toxic job hangover,
but it's also because we haven't done the work to heal
ourselves from the toxic work experience that we had.
So this is why, you know, I'm unapologetically
talking to you guys about my new workshop,
WTF Just Happened, to help you unpack your toxic job
and break the toxic job cycle. Because I know that
some of you guys may want to,
like just tap into my energy live because it's a treat, of course.
But also to have a guided process of like,
what questions can I ask myself?
Like, what do I need to understand?
And how can I shift how I perceive this, again,
not gaslighting yourself, but it's just actually
understanding deeply what happened. And then s
eeing the truth in that, and kind of dropping kind
of the trauma response from what actually
happened in your head and what this meant, right?
Because it feels big when we're in it.
And that kind of carries through.
So we need to do that healing as well.
And so I wanted to talk to you...
What else did I want to say?
I wanted to say something else. Ummmm...
You know, okay, yeah, that was the that was the other thing.
So the last thing that I wanted to talk to you guys,
now that I've like shamelessly plugged that workshop,
and I hope to see some of you guys in there live is
that another thing that I see that I feel like sometimes
we hold on to this identity is that we feel like victims
until the bad actors take accountability.
Like until your toxic boss, like acknowledges their
bad behavior, or your toxic coworkers take accountability,
that, you know, then you're kind of in the state
of not being able to get over it.
But I want you guys to step back and think about this,
I'm going to give you a prompt.
So I want you to think about a time that someone
in your life that you were close to did you harm,
like it could be a significant other, it can be an act
because they did lots of things. It could be a friend or
a family member. And now I want you to think about
a time where like someone caused you harm.
But also they did take accountability and they apologized.
Now when that person apologized for that that
action that caused you harm,
did you magically feel better,
and were totally over it?
Or did it hurt a little bit less now that it was acknowledged,
but then you still needed to
do the work inside yourself to get over it?
Because I can almost guarantee that took
you time inside of yourself in order to get over that thing
that happened and to actually let it go.
So that's what we need to think about with our toxic job.
Because the chances are is that your toxic boss
or toxic coworkers or toxic company, they're not
going to take accountability for what they are
and for what they did. And even if they did,
their shame is going to be so big that they're really
unlikely to ever issue this apology to you.
And even if you get it, it's not going to be the thing
that makes you heal them being accountable
and seeing their actions is actually completely
disconnected from your recovery from a toxic job.
So I think that that's another really important thing
for us to know. And ultimately where I want to
leave you guys because again,
I talked about this in my last video,
I want to make sure that my channel is a place that is
uplifting, even when we have hard conversations like this.
And it's because I really believe in you like I'm not
just like saying career bestie
I really feel like through this screen
I am your career bestie, and I with every fiber of my being B
elieve in your power in your potential and that you
don't just deserve to have like a really good career
and a really good life. I feel like you're entitled to
have a really good career and a really good life.
And that what we need to do is to do the work in order
to construct that reality. When you've been in a toxic job,
there's a little bit more clearing that we need to do to
make space for it. However those things are
available and what I hope I can help you with and
everything that I do is to create that for yourself.
So I'm sure I have another helpful video to help you
get over your toxic job. I'm going to put it here
If you want to check out that workshop. It is on the 10th
So go and get in there while because it is a live workshop.
And as if this video helps you give it a thumbs up.
As always my friend thank you so much for watching.
I will see you in the next video. Bye for now!