Geoffrey here and this video I'm going to show you the one thing you can do,
the one thing you need to focus on when your marriage or your relationship is in
a brink of a divorce. And if you want to empower yourself with the right skills,
with the right knowledge to really turn your relationship around by yourself,
then you want to subscribe to this channel and click that bell button to be
notified when I post new videos in five days every single week.
[inaudible].
Okay,
so at this point your marriage is in the rocks and trying to figure out what to
do, how to fix can be really, really overwhelming.
I know it seems like when your marriage is falling apart,
there's like a thousand things to fix, but really, you know,
after working with hundreds of couples here,
there's really one thing you need to fix and one issue that causes a divorce.
And once you fix this one thing, you can really start to turn everything around.
So number one here is understanding why is your marriage in the brink of
divorce. Why is your partner considering divorcing you?
Or maybe why are you considering divorcing your pointer?
And one of the analysis you can make is that it's one of our problems you're
facing. So it could be the money issues that you hash.
It could be that you have some unresolvable differences,
unresolvable conflicts here. It could be that one of you has cheated.
So there is some infidelity there and you don't know how to build a trust back.
Whatever it is. There could be so many issues that can cause a divorce.
But if you really dig deeper behind that, behind all those issues,
whatever issues you have right now,
there's one more thing that causes you to decide to want to divorce.
And that's the feeling of hopelessness. That's the feeling of being overwhelmed.
And what do I mean here?
So when I worked with a lot of couples and they're on a brink of divorce like
this, what often happens is once they see a way out,
once they see a solution to their problem,
once they can see that and they can feel that their problems can be solved,
that there is a solution that can actually help them get to a better position,
then suddenly, you know,
almost overnight and their desire to divorce it goes away.
Because what I found is that deep down,
no matter how much they say they want divorce right now, most people,
they want to work on the relationship,
but the problem is that they can't or they don't know how to.
And so you have all these problems, you have all these issues,
but the main problem, or not those issues,
but it's the fact that you don't know how to resolve it.
You don't know how to solve it.
You don't know if you ever can expect something better or things to get better
or for hope for a better future here.
And so not only do you have a lot of pent up shit,
but the worst part is that you don't know how to resolve those pent-up stuff.
And so if you understand this,
if you understand that the root cause behind the desire for a divorce,
it's not the issues itself,
but really the hopelessness you feel the number one thing you want to do is to
reinstill back that hope. So how do we do this? Well,
there's two reasons why people feel hopeless during these times.
So the first reason is that there could be the lack of safety here.
And so this is the lack of safety to really express your Greives,
to really express your issues in a very open way.
And why do people find that it's so hard to just express and be open and be
transparent about their gripes, their issues,
their pent-up shit is because there is no safety.
And what that means is that they've learned over many,
many years of the relationship that whenever they express some harsh truth,
their partner will never respond well to it.
It always leads into some argument in to some really bad stuff that they would
rather not get into.
And so over the years they've learned that instead of expressing this thing
better to just keep it to myself. But when they keep it to themselves,
all that stuff, bills, all this stuff gets pent up and never gets resolved.
So they want to resolve it. But they also know that to resolve it,
they need to actually express it. But they also know that when they express it,
it never ends well.
So they're kind of stuck in this catch 22 where if I express it, I lose.
If I don't express it, Ellison lose. So that's where the hopelessness comes in.
The second reason why couples feel very hopeless is that there some difference
that neither are willing to budge on. You know, for example,
one partner wants children, the other partner does not want children.
And they kind of agree on that. That can never agree on that.
And that leads to the downfall of the relationship.
And a lot of other coaches would tell you like if you have this kinds of
irreconcilable difference that is over,
like if one partner wants children and the other does not, it's really over.
There's nothing you can do about it. The only course of action is to divorce,
but in my practice I've worked with hundreds of couples and even in very tough
situations like this where it seems like a very irreconcilable difference,
they usually find some win-wins solutions and if you really peel back the layers
behind this irreconcilable difference,
the main issue here is with their own mutual admiration.
And so whenever couples have irreconcilable differences like this,
what happens is person a has a different idea than person or B,
but when they share the ideas instead of HR,
they're trying to discover it with curiosity and trying to discover why does my
partner think this part thing is valuable? They instantly judge it.
They instantly say it's wrong. So if one partner says, I want children,
they say, no, show having children is wrong. That's not for us right now.
Then the other person says, no, having children is right.
We must have children so they can never come to a resolution here because
neither parties are willing to budge.
So what usually happens in my practice is I allow my clients to really build an
admiration in the relationship. And then once they build the Emerson,
they talk about that issue once again.
But the funny thing that happens is once they build the Emerson,
the compensation will look completely different. So to illustrate this,
imagine that you are about to have lunch with one of your life's heroes.
You know, you've been admiring this person for all your life and you really,
really respect what this person has to say, their ideas, their way of thinking,
their mannerisms, and so on. You, you know this person is your hero.
So imagine you're having lunch with this person and this person happens to say
something that contradicts what you believe in, that you don't believe in,
that you disagree with. If you really admire this person,
would you respond by instantly judging them instantly saying the wrong or would
you respond by taking a step back and actually being curious because you're
thinking, I admire this person. I really admire respect what they have to say,
but this person has a different idea than I do. Let me investigate that idea.
Let me investigate why the other person thinks that thing is important or that
thing is valuable in most likely. If you really admire this person,
you would do the second thing. You would actually be curious.
You would actually explore their virtues and so once you build admiration first,
their conversation can look very different.
But the problem is that a lot of couples try to have this conversation before
having the admiration.
And what usually happens in my experience is that once both persons approached
the conversation in a curiosity like this,
they will actually find their win-wins solution because one partner could say
they want babies, they want something,
they want a then the other person could say they want be.
But once I start to dig deeper and deeper and deeper,
they realize that their underlying reason why they want children,
why they want this career or whatever it is, is the same.
That all humans just want to be loved. They want some self esteem,
they want some control and all these kind of human basic human needs that people
want. And in terms of how we want to do it is different.
So once you get to this core reason, this really core reason,
and you really dig deep to find that core reason,
you'll find that the win-win is very possible because fundamentally all we want
and the same thing, but the how of where we get it is different.
But when you get to this core,
you can start to negotiate and talk about and discuss like how can we meet this
core desire here in a way that gives us that win-win?
And usually they find that win-win. But in order for you to find that, when,
when you have to approach that conversation with a high level of curiosity first
and no one judgment at all,
and you need to be wanting to dig deeper and dig deeper and find that core
reason and your desire to actually dig deeper and to actually be curious can
only happen when you actually deeply admire your partner first.
So what can you do to solve both these problems? Now,
in order for you to build safety here, you have to master two things.
Number one is you have to become emotionally Bulletproof.
And what I mean by that is this, whenever your punter expresses their gripes,
expresses their pains, expresses their emotions, thoughts, whatever it is,
they're often times when you don't like what they express.
You're react to it in a bad way.
But whenever you react to your proudest expressions in a bad way,
what you're doing is you're punishing their expression.
You're telling your partner that whenever you express something,
especially the negative stuff, especially the harsh stuff,
it will never end well. I will never react well to it.
And so what happens is over time they will start to learn that Hey,
the harsh truth are better kept to themselves that whenever they express it,
it will never end well. So they would rather keep it to themselves.
But when you have that,
then you have a lot of pent up stuff and the pent up stuff bruise over time and
it creates this sense of hopelessness that we talked about.
But when you can stand strong and become emotionally Bulletproof in front of
those harsh truths, then your partner, most solar,
you learned that I can actually express my pains and I can actually express my
gripes,
the problems that I have with this relationship because I know my partner take
it and because I know my partner can take it,
I will share more and more and more. And once you share it,
then can you talk about resolutions?
But you can never come together to a solution here and fix that problem if you
never even expressed it in the first place.
So the first thing you need to have is to become emotionally Bulletproof under
very intense emotions, under very harsh truths and so on.
So you have to stay calm. Then once you learn how to stay calm,
you need to understand how to lead a conversation in a way that never leads to
arguments that never lead to escalation.
And so this means that when you start a conversation,
you need to know how to start a conversation in a way that doesn't get your
partner's guards up. Does this get them defensive? And when your progress,
the conversation, you're not making statements,
you're asking questions and questions that actually lower the guard down instead
of making them more defensive. Then once you ask all your questions,
then you want to end the conversation with some resolution.
But you want to be able to present that resolution in a way that doesn't lead to
more arguments.
So I wish I can show you the step by step way of how to do this and this one
video, but I can't because it's just one YouTube video.
So if you want to really learn how to become emotionally Bulletproof yourself
and how to lead conversations, how to begin it, how to progress it,
and how to end it in a way that never leaves to arguments and prioritizes
lowering the guards down,
then you want to access to my four day training series,
which you can download below this video.
So click the link in the description box below this video and you can get access
to that four day training series where I just really walk you step by step on
how you can create safety here. And when it comes to creating admiration,
that's an whole different story, right?
So in order for you to create admiration, you need two prerequisites here.
Number one prerequisite is that you have to create safety first.
So safety is crucial no matter how you cut it.
And the reason why safety is crucial is that when you don't create safety,
when you can't manage your own emotions or when you can't manage your punter's
emotions,
what happens then is a lot of our conversations will turn into arguments.
And when you're constantly bickering, when you're constantly arguing like this,
it becomes impossible for you both to admire each other.
Like how can you admire someone that you always fight with?
You always argue with no, it's impossible.
So the first step to creating admiration is to actually stopped arguments,
stop the fights and let your partner see you as a source of solutions,
as a friend, as an ally, and not as an enemy, not as a source of problems.
And once you can do that, you will slowly build admiration here.
And there's a lot more to building admiration and respect than just that.
But the first step is really if you can show your partner that you can resolve
conflicts very well, then that will really build the admiration on their side.
So that would be a really good step.
And so the main thing that you should be doing when you're in a brink of divorce
is to instill that hope once again.
And you can instill that hope by simply creating safety and you create safety by
understanding how to wear that Bulletproof vest,
how to stay emotionally Bulletproof,
and also how to lead conversations in a way that never leads to any arguments,
never leads to escalations and always leads to resolutions.
And if you can do that,
you're going to be instilling so much more hope in the relationship because now
you can have so many issues in your relationship,
but as long as you have the space for you to express it, to talk about it,
and to resolve it, then it doesn't matter how many problems you have.
It doesn't matter how many issues you have,
you'll find that both of you can have a lot more hope.
And that hope is such a major motivating factor for you to stay together and
actually work on your relationship together and to avoid divorce once and for
all. And so again,
if you want access to that for day trading series where I show you exactly how
you can create this culture of safety,
then you want to click the link in the description box below this video to get
access to that four day training series.
And if you have any other questions that you want to ask about your
relationship,
then you also want to join our Facebook group where you can ask your questions,
you can post your questions and actually get expert advice on your questions and
the link to our Facebook group.
It's also below this video and in this video I'm trying to really distill down
this very complex problem that you have and when you're on a brink of a divorce
and distilling it down to the core reasons of what you can do to one or two
things you can do that can really help your relationship. Now of course,
this is just one YouTube videos.
I can't possibly express everything and teach you everything from one YouTube
video. So if there's something you have,
any other questions or something that I didn't address in this video that you
need some clarification on,
leave a comment below and I'll respond to you as soon as I can,
or I'll even make a whole new video out of that in the future.
So leave a comment below if you have more questions or if I missed anything.
So if you found this video helpful or valuable,
then click the like button and subscribe to this channel for more content like
this one. Uh, but for now,
understand that you have the power to transform and to save your relationship by
yourself.
So even if your partner is really checked out right now and wants nothing to do
with the relationship,
just understand that you have the power to turn it around by yourself. So never,
ever underestimate your own power here, but for now,
thanks for watching and I'll see you in the next video.