WELCOME ONE AND ALL IN HERE, OUT THERE, TO THE LATE SHOW.
COLBERT. AND REWHERE BACK, I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN BABY AFTER A
THREE WEEK HIATUS, AND IT WAS MAGICAL.
SWIFT ANNOUNCED A NEW ALBUM, I WENT ON VACATION, TAYLOR HARRY
STYLES DID NOT SPIT ON ME, AND THE WALLS STARTED CLOSING IN ON
TRAITOR. TURNS OUT, STASHING FORMER PRESIDENT DARTH TOP SECRET
GOVERNMENT DOCUMENTS IN THE BASEMENT OF YOUR COUNTRY CLUB
IS, TO USE SOME TECHNICAL JARGON, "SUPER ILLEGAL."
ALLEGEDLY. SINCE THE F.B.I. OBTAINED A
SEARCH WARRANT FOR MAR-A-LAGO AT THE BEGINNING OF AUGUST,
THE D.O.J. HAS BEEN BUILDING A PRETTY STRONG CASE AGAINST THE
FORMER PRESIDENT. WHICH MIGHT BE WHY, AS A
STALLING TACTIC, HE FILED A MOTION REQUESTING A "SPECIAL
DOCUMENTS SEIZED BY FEDERAL MASTER" TO REVIEW THE AGENTS.
"SPECIAL MASTER" ACTUALLY I GOT TO SAY, SOUNDS
KIND OF KINKY. (DEEP VOICE)
SPECIAL MASTER, AND YOU WILL "YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS SUBMIT...
YOUR MOTION TO DISMISS NO LATER THAN 3:00 P.M. FRIDAY.
NOW BEG FOR MY OVERSIGHT." NORMALLY, THE PURPOSE OF A
THROUGH ALL THE DOCUMENTS AND SPECIAL MASTER IS TO GO DETERMINE
WHICH ONES ARE RELEVANT TO THE CASE AND WHICH MIGHT BE
PROTECTED BY SOMETHING LIKE ATTORNEY-CLIENT PRIVILEGE.
SECURITY IMPLICATIONS HERE, BUT, GIVEN THE NATIONAL MOST LEGAL
MINDS ASSUMED A JUDGE WOLDN'T DO ANYTHING TO HINDER THE
INVESTIGATION. BUT YESTERDAY, FEDERAL JUDGE
AILEEN CANNON GRANTED THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S REQUEST TO APPOINT A
SPECIAL MASTER, AND BARRED THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT FROM USING
THE SEIZED MATERIALS FOR ANY "INVESTIGATIVE PURPOSE" UNTIL
THE WORK WAS COMPLETED. BUT THAT'S GOING TO SLOW
EVERYTHING DOWN, AILEEN! YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING:
"JUSTICE DELAYED IS JUST WHAT HE WANTS BECAUSE HE JUST NEEDS
TIME TO SHRED THE EVIDENCE." PERHAPS MOST BIZARRELY, CANNON'S
-- THIS HOW YOU DO IT? >> YOU'RE GOOD, YOU'RE GOOD.
CANNON'S RULING ORDERS THE PERHAPS MOST BIZARRELY, SPECIAL MASTER
TO LOOK OUT FOR DOCUMENTS POTENTIALLY SHIELDED BY
EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE. BUT, HE'S NOT THE EXECUTIVE
ANYMORE! JOE BIDEN IS.
SO HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY PRIVILEGE HERE!
THAT'S LIKE SAYING TO A BAD COP, "ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE FIRED.
GIVE ME YOUR BADGE AND GUN. BUT, YOU CAN KEEP THE CAR.
WE KNOW YOU LOVE THE SIREN." AND YOU CAN KEEP THE GUN.
JUDGE CANNON APPEARS TO BE GIVING THE FORMER PRESIDENT
AS PART OF HER LOGIC, SHE SPECIAL TREATMENT. WRITES
THAT "AS A FUNCTION OF PLAINTIFF'S FORMER POSITION AS
STATES, THE STIGMA ASSOCIATED PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED WITH THE
SUBJECT SEIZURE IS IN A LEAGUE OF ITS OWN."
YES, FORGET "NO ONE IS ABOVE THE LAW."
THIS PRESIDENT IS IN A LEAGUE OF HIS OWN.
JUST ASK TOM HANKS: >> THERE'S NO LAWS IN
MAR-A-LAGO. DELAYED BUT VERY QUICK.
(APPLAUSE) >> Stephen: THIS DECISION IS
BONKERS. AND DON'T TAKE IT FROM ME.
HERE'S A SAMPLE OF REACTIONS FROM THE LEGAL COMMUNITY.
>> THIS DECISION IS QUITE UNMOORED FROM PRACTICALITY.
>> THIS IS A LEGALLY WRONG DECISION.
>> THE JUDGE IS BASICALLY MAKING THIS UP AS SHE GOES ALONG.
>> IT'S FACTUALLY INCOHERENT OR FACTUALLY NAIVE IN A NUMBER OF
RESPECTS. >> THE DEFENSE IS WRONG!
WRONG. >> Stephen: SO, WHY IS IS WRONG, THE DEFENSE IS JUDGE
CANNON GOING SO FAR OUT ON THIS VERY STUPID LEGAL LIMB?
I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE BECAUSE SHE WAS APPOINTED BY THE FORMER
PRESIDENT, AND CONFIRMED JUST DAYS AFTER THE PRESIDENTIAL
ELECTION IN NOVEMBER 2020. SO, SHE'S A BRAND NEW JUDGE
WHO WAS HANDPICKED BY THE GUY DOING THE CRIMES, TO PRESIDE
OVER THE JURISDICTION THAT INCLUDES THE PLACE WHERE HE WAS
COMMITTING THE CRIMES. THAT'S LIKE IF THE HEAD REF AT
THE SUPER BOWL WAS TOM BRADY'S DAD.
"PASS INTERFERENCE: DEFENSE. FIRST DOWN: MY BEAUTIFUL BOY."
SO STRONG. SO BEAUTIFUL.
(APPLAUSE) IT'S NOT LIKE THE JUSTICE
JUDGE A PREVIEW OF HOW DUMB DEPARTMENT DIDN'T GIVE THE HER
LAST WEEK, THEY FILED A 36 DECISION WOULD BE. -PAGE
RESPONSE FULL OF JUICY DETAILS ABOUT WHAT THEY FOUND:
MORE THAN 100 DOCUMENTS WITH CLASSIFICATION MARKINGS,
INCLUDING 18 MARKED TOP SECRET, 54 SECRET, AND 31 CONFIDENTIAL.
("12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS") "AND THE NUKE CODES FOR THE
SAUDIS!" -- WHY WOULD THE SAUDIS WANTER
SAUDIS, WHY WOULD THEY WANT THE NUKES, WHY WOULD THE THE NUKES.
CONTRARY TO WHAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT CLAIMS,
SECRET DOCUMENTS WERE FOUND ALL OVER MAR-A-LAGO, INCLUDING
THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S OFFICE. LOOK AT THAT CARPET!
IT'S THE SECOND-WORST PRESIDENTIAL RUG I'VE EVER SEEN.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU. BEAR IN MIND, THE FORMER
PRESIDENT WAS KEEPING HIGHLY-SENSITIVE MATERIAL AT A
GALAS, AND OTHER LARGE EVENTS, CLUB THAT HOSTS WEDDINGS, WHERE
OUTSIDERS ARE COMMON AND MANY EMPLOYEES, AS WELL AS SOME
VISITORS, ARE FOREIGN NATIONALS. YES!
AND INSTEAD OF A MINT ON THEIR PILLOW, SOME MAR-A-LAGO GUESTS
RECEIVE AN ORIGAMI SWAN. THE GOVERNMENT ALSO TOLD THE
JUDGE HOW MANY ATTEMPTS THEY MADE TO GET THE CLASSIFIED
MATERIAL BACK VOLUNTARILY, POINTING OUT THAT THE FORMER
PRESIDENT'S LAWYER, CHRISTINA BOBB, TURNED OVER 38 CLASSIFIED
DOCUMENTS AND THEN SIGNED A STATEMENT SWEARING THAT, AFTER A
THOROUGH SEARCH, NO OTHER CLASSIFIED MATERIAL WAS FOUND IN
THE STORAGE AREA. BUT, THEN, "EXPLICITLY
PERSONNEL FROM OPENING OR PROHIBITED GOVERNMENT LOOKING INSIDE
ANY OF THE BOXES THAT REMAINED IN THE STORAGE ROOM."
I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY WERE SUSPICIOUS.
THE BOXES WERE CLEARLY MARKED "CHRISTMAS STUFF."
-- THE FEDS ALSO RECOVERED
DOCUMENTS RELATED TO THE USE OF "CLANDESTINE HUMAN SOURCES" IN
INTELLIGENCE GATHERING. THAT MEANS LISTS OF OUR SECRET
OPERATIVES IN FOREIGN GOVERNMENTS!
WHY WOULD HE HAVE THOSE? IS HE WRITING A NEW SPY
"TINKER, TAILOR, SOLDIER, THRILLER? WOMAN,
ALMOST AS DISTURBING AS WHAT MAN, CAMERA, TV." THE
DIDN'T FIND, BECAUSE "43 EMPTY F.B.I. FOUND IS WHAT THEY FOLDERS
WITH CLASSIFIED BANNERS WERE TAKEN FROM A BOX OR CONTAINER AT
THE OFFICE, ALONG WITH AN ADDITIONAL 28 EMPTY FOLDERS
LABELED AS 'RETURN TO STAFF SECRETARY' OR MILITARY AIDE."
HIS DEFENDERS HAVE SAID "SEE? SOME OF THOSE FOLDERS ARE EMPTY!
NOTHIN' WRONG WITH THAT!" HOW TRUE.
SAME WAY FINDING CONDOMS IN YOUR WIFE'S PURSE IS UPSETTING, BUT
FINDING EMPTY CONDOM WRAPPERS IN YOUR WIFE'S PURSE IS FINE.
WHILE THE EX-PRESIDENT FEELS (APPLAUSE) THE
WALLS CLOSING IN, JOE BIDEN HAS BEEN RIDING HIGH.
BILL, GAS PRICES ARE DROPPING, HE PASSED HIS BIG CLIMATE AND
QUARTER BEHIND HIS GRANDSON'S THIS WEEKEND, HE FOUND A EAR.
OKAY, WITH ALL JOE'S MOMENTUM, OR
"MOMENT-JOE," HE'S HITTING THE TRAIL WITH A FALL CAMPAIGN
"THE REPUBLICANS WHO KEEP MESSAGE: ACTING
LIKE FASCISTS, ARE ACTING KIND OF LIKE FASCISTS."
FUNDRAISER IN MARYLAND, WHEN HE KICKED IT OFF AT A HE SAID,
"IT'S NOT JUST THE EX -PRESIDENT. IT'S THE ENTIRE PHILOSOPHY
THAT UNDERPINS THE-- I'M GOING TO SAY SOMETHING-- IT'S LIKE
SEMI-FASCISM." SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT'S THE
WRONG THING TO SAY. AND I AGREE.
SEMI? IT'S NOT LIKE THEY TRIED TO
OVERTHROW THE ELECTION A LIL' BIT.
LAST WEEK, BIDEN EMPHASIZED THE THREAT FACING OUR DEMOCRACY IN A
PRIMETIME ADDRESS, DELIVERED FROM, I WANT TO SAY...
SKELETOR'S HOUSE? RED WHITES, PULL OUT STRKS RID
WHITE AND BLUE, IT'S FINE. IT WAS AN URGENT AND PRESCIENT
WARNING THAT OUR DEMOCRACY IS IN ON THE EDGE OF DEATHS.
SO, NATURALLY, THE THREE MAIN BROADCAST NETWORKS DECLINED TO
CARRY THE SPEECH, INSTEAD SHOWING "LAW & ORDER," "YOUNG
LUCK." WHICH IS BASICALLY WHAT SHELDON," AND "PRESS YOUR AMERICA
IS PLAYING WITH ALL THESE AUTHORITARIAN CANDIDATES.
NO FASCIST, NO FASCIST, NO FASCIST!
GRONGLER! YESTERDAY, BIDEN WENT TO
WISCONSIN TO DELIVER HIS ANTI-MAGA WARNING, AND HE
NOTICED A HECKLER IN THE AUDIENCE.
>> BY THE WAY-- (MAN SHOUTING)
ALL RIGHT. GOD LOVE YA!
LET HIM GO. LET HIM GO.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, (AUDIENCE BOOING) NO,
NO, NO, NO, NO. DON'T-- LET HIM--
LET HIM GO. LET HIM-- HE'S--
LOOK, EVERYBODY IS ENTITLED TO BE AN IDIOT.
(APPLAUSE) NO, NO.
EVERYBODY IS ENTITLED. OKAY?
>> Stephen: "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,
LET HIM GO. EVERYONE'S ENTITLED TO BE AN
IDIOT. A DING-DONG DUMBDINGLER.
A REGULAR CHICKEN-SPINED GINGERSNAP.
A REAL NO-TAFFY GALOOT! EXCUSE MY FRENCH.
AND EVERY IDIOT IS ENTITLED TO MEET ME BEHIND THE BLEACHERS
AFTER THIS SPEECH SO I CAN INTRODUCE THEM TO MY TWO
FRIENDS: 'NO JOKE,' AND 'I MEAN IT,
FOLKS'." NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
NO, NO. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
IN HIS SPEECH, BIDEN TRIED OUT SOME NEW NAMES FOR THESE
DANGEROUS, ANTI-DEMOCRATIC FORCES.
>> MAGA REPUBLICANS. THE EXTREME RIGHT.
THE-- THE "TRUMPIES." >> Stephen: BY WHICH HE MEANS
THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S ENABLERS, NOT TO BE CONFUSED
WITH THE AWARD SHOW OF THE SAME NAME.
WITHOUT HAVE A GREAT SHOW, MY GUESTS ARE
MY GUESTS ARE MSNBC'S ALEX WAGNER, AND "THE DAILY SHOW'S"
ROY WOOD, JR. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, ARE THE
ROBOTS COMING FOR YOUR JOBS? YES.
STICK AROUND.