- All right, spill it, I want details.
- Yeah, so do I.
- Oh, me too.
(upbeat music)
- Eddie took me to the restaurant
where he had met his ex-wife Roberta.
- Well I would think going to that restaurant
would just remind him of her.
- It did, especially since she owns it,
runs it, and calls the place Roberta's.
(audience laughs)
As she was seating us, he begged her to come back to him,
and after he had wept over his crab cakes,
I begged her to come back to him.
(audience laughs)
Blanche, I need to talk to you privately.
- Okay.
- There's this person, someone I've known for quite a while,
and lately there seems to be this attraction developing,
an attraction I've been trying to deny.
Blanche, what are you doing?
(audience laughs)
- It's a curse.
My beauty's always been a curse.
I'm sorry Dorothy, but like the fatal blossom
of the graceful jimsonweed,
I entice with my fragrance but can provide no suckle.
(audience laughs)
- I'm talking about Stanley, you idiot.
- Get out of here, Stan has the hots for me?
(audience laughs)
- For me, not you, fatal blossom, for me.
- Well, well, you got in pretty late last night.
- I know.
- So, tell us all about the big weekend.
- And don't leave out a thing.
I want you to start with the sweet
nothings he whispered in your ear.
- Well okay, first he said that
I was a very attractive woman.
- Yeah?
- And then he said I was fun to be with.
- Yeah?
- And then he said he was impotent.
- Ew.
- Dorothy will never tell her.
- Tell her what?
- This secret that I don't know.
(audience laughs)
- Rose, there's something you know
that you're not telling me.
- You can ask me all the questions you want,
you'll never break me.
- So you're not in love with this Eddie guy?
- Oh no, Ma.
- Then why are you spending all your time with him?
- Eddie's a love machine?
(audience laughs)
- I'm sorry Dorothy, I held out as long as I could.
(audience laughs)
She said she'd tickle me. (audience laughs)
- You're a regular Nelson Mandela, Rose.
- Oh, I love Tony Bennett.
- Oh so do I, he was always so sweet to me.
(audience laughs)
- Blanche, you dated Tony Bennett?
- Honey, I did more than date him.
He may have left his heart in San Francisco,
but he left his shorts on my radiator.
(audience laughs)
Rose is back, her taxi just pulled up.
- Oh, I wonder if she had a great time on this cruise.
- She did if she fooled around.
- I can't wait to find out.
- I want to know just as much as you two,
but what happened between her and Arnie is private.
If she wants to talk about it, fine, but if she doesn't,
I don't want anybody asking any embarrassing questions.
- I'm back.
- So did you and Arnie play find the cannoli?
(audience laughs)
- What?
- Nothing, nothing Rose.
- Just sit down here honey and tell us all about your trip.
- Oh, it was fabulous, the food was delicious,
the weather was absolutely gorgeous,
and the activities on board ship,
oh the list goes on forever,
masquerade balls, hootenannies, tours of the engine room,
fashion shoes, Jazzercise, Las Vegas night,
Monte Carlo night, Rio night, Riviera night.
- Who cares, Rose, did you and Arnie hit the sheets or not?
(audience laughs)
- Dorothy.
- I'm gonna unpack.
- Now this isn't fair, you have to tell us.
- No you don't, but if you go out that door
and don't come back in, we'll know you didn't,
and if you do come back, that means you did.
(audience laughs)
(girls giggle)
- Remember that one time you walked in on me, Dorothy?
- Oh yeah, I still remember what you said.
Mommy's sick, get help. (audience laughs)
- I would have died if I ever caught my parents having sex.
- What, you never walked in on them?
- Once, but they were only playing leap frog.
(audience laughs)
Here it is.
I needed to know when Blanche's real birthday was
so I could throw her a party,
so I got copies of her birth certificate, her DM files.
- Wait a minute, Rose, that is an invasion of privacy.
- What makes you think she wants a party?
- Everybody wants a party, no matter what they say.
But if you think we don't really need to know
Blanche's real age, then maybe we should--
- Open the damn envelope. (audience laughs)
- I can't believe it, after all these years,
we're finally gonna know,
we're gonna know the true age of Blanche Devereaux.
Deleted by authority of the governor.
(audience laughs)
Well the, these are all like that.
- Rose, you know what this means.
- Yeah, she must have really jumped on this guy's bandwagon.
(audience laughs)
- You almost got it, Rose.