So, you've been wondering how to save your second marriage before it even
starts? I know some principles that could really help you with that. Listen in.
Second marriage, right? So, there's a story behind that and everybody's got their
own story. I don't know exactly what your story is. But it implies that you already
had one. Now, whether you are out of that first marriage due to death or due to
divorce or some other "D" word that I'm not even aware of and you can inform me
of down in the comments. Here you are. And this is usually not where you thought
you would be. It's not what you planned on. But as you anticipate, "Okay, how can I
have a healthy second marriage?" Let's use the first one as a learning experience.
Shall we? And whatever that first experience was? It was perfect for you
because it taught you everything that you know now and it will help to inform
you about how to move forward. Here's one of the catches: We don't often even
notice or fully appreciate the impact that we personally had on that first
marriage. It's really easy for example to think about what impact your spouse had
on that first marriage. In fact, sometimes people get into a little trap where
they're blaming the other person for whatever happened in the relationship.
Let's be careful of that. Let's be aware of it and take a look at your own impact
on that first relationship. I had a client who in her mid 30s was on
marriage number 8. Okay... Just try to wrap your head around that for a minute. This
was not marriage number 2. This was marriage number 8. And I had a little
conversation with her about, "Okay. So, what are you seeing that's consistent in all
of these relationships? What is the same? What is the common factor?" You know
what I was looking for there. But she didn't at the time. And so she said, "Well,
probably just abusive men." Okay, she missed something because these were
all different men, right? And maybe they had some common characteristics or
attributes. That's probably true. But what was she missing? What is the one common
factor in all of those relationships? It's her.
Here's what I can tell you for sure. Unless you're marrying the same person
who has not learned anything in the intervening months and years, your second
marriage will be with a different person. You however are the same person.
And you're probably going to bring the same attributes or the same tendencies
to the second marriage that you brought to the first. That's why it's so
important to be aware of them. As you let that settle in, can I be really frank
with you about something that can be a little hard to talk about? And if you
were in my office, I would be very frank and open and honest with you. So, I've
decided since you're right here and I'm in your home or on your device, I'm still
going to be very frank and open and honest with you. This is something that
is missed sometimes. Let me put it in the context of a couple that I was working
with. He and she got to know each other while they were both married to someone
else. This is something that happens sometimes
and there's all kinds of opinions that people have about whether that should
happen or not. But the fact of the matter is it does happen. And that's how they
got to know each other. They were both married to someone else and they got to
know each other. I think in a work setting. As their relationship developed,
the previous marriage ended for both of them. And one of the reasons for that was
that they were getting together. So, you've got the context now. When they
came to see me, they had already been married. This is a second marriage for
both of them and they are both having trust issues. Think about it and do the
math. They didn't take the time to think through "Why do I feel
uncertain about my partner being faithful to me?" Oh, yeah. How did we get
together in the first place? I mention this to you because I want you to be
painfully honest with yourself about how you impacted the previous relationship.
And now what you're bringing to this one. And in this case, both of them were
bringing a willingness to look outside of the marriage for fulfillment. And even
though they hadn't become consciously aware of that until I called it to their
attention. And they almost fired me by the way. They're like "Whaat!?" Yeah. Just be
real about it, okay? Be honest with yourself about what you're bringing and
what that impact is. I just wanted to share that with you as a little example
of how this dynamic can play out. Now, it doesn't mean that they can't have a
loving trusting relationship now together. It does mean that they get to
deal with the fact that they have both demonstrated a violation of trust in the
very foundation of their relationship. It's not insurmountable but it will
probably disrupt the relationship if they're not at least aware of and
willing to acknowledge it. Remember as you come into this second marriage that
your second spouse is not the same person as your first spouse, you however
kind of are the same person. So, be aware of all of those dynamics and just be
open to learning some things even if it's painful. Because here's the strategy:
We're going to do more of what works and less of what doesn't. Your impact on the
previous relationship was multifaceted. You contributed to both the successes
and the failures of that previous relationship. That means you have some
skills and attributes and abilities that are going to contribute to the successes
and the failures of the new relationship. Let's do more of what works and less of
what doesn't. And let's be wise enough to look at our experience and be
to discern which is which. In a previous video that I did with my sweetheart,
Vicki, we talked about how to save a marriage from divorce. You can link to
that video right up here. And we'll get into some detail about some principles
that I want to share with you right now in summary form because this is what
works. And I don't care if this is your first marriage
or your third or your eighth. These are the principles that allow you to
establish and maintain a healthy relationship in your marriage, in your
family. Here they are. There's 9 of them. Write these down and pause the
video if you need to. Because I want you to have a physical list of these 9
principles. Here we go: The first one positivity. And without
getting into the details, go back into the playlists here on the channel. In
fact, the very introductory video on this channel if you just click on the channel
Live On Purpose TV, it'll start playing for you there. "How to stay positive no
matter what." That's what I'm talking about with positivity. Number 2, values.
Shared values where you come together about the purpose of this relationship.
And you have a clear why for forming this in the first place.
Number 3, humility which includes the willingness to change. And to do the hard
work that I've suggested in the first part of this video where you get to take
hard honest look at yourself. And even if it's painful, having the
humility to say, "Oh, some of what I'm doing is having the kind of impact I
don't want to have. I better be willing to change." Number 4 on your list of
9, forgiveness. And I'm including forgiveness for yourself. If this is your
second marriage and you're not really proud of or happy about some of the
things that happened in number one, forgive yourself and be willing to move
on. And even more importantly, forgive your spouse for anything and everything.
You be ready and quick to forgive. Number 5,
respect. I even asked little kids. What does
mean to respect someone? And they say, "Be nice." Yeah,
pretty good answer. There's other elements to that. We'll leave it at that
for now. Number 6, love. Which in my mind is not
necessarily a feeling. I think that feelings are associated with it. My sweet
wife pointed out to me she says, "You know Paul? Love is also a declaration and a
commitment." When you say "I love you", it doesn't necessarily mean anything about
your feelings. Think about your kids. You could be just wildly angry with them and
say I love you. Which is your commitment to do your number-one job: To love them
no matter what and even if. Love is a choice. Let's treat it that way.
Number 7, compassion. Compassion has to do with kindness.
It probably combines respect and love in some interesting ways. But the roots of
that word passion also have to do with the willingness to suffer for something
or someone. Compassion. Number 8, work. It's going to
be some work, folks. Everything that is worthwhile requires some effort to build
and maintain. Don't be surprised when it's going to be work. And finally number
9, wholesome recreational activities. This is the only one on the list of 9
that has 3 words they're all important. I live in a very conservative
religious environment. And sometimes people delete the second word.
Recreational? And they go, "Oh, wholesome activities." Yes, but we got to have some
fun. Lighten up, people! If we're not having fun, we're doing it wrong. Some
people delete the first word, wholesome. I've been to Vegas. I've seen what can
happen there. There's a lot of recreational activities that are not
particularly wholesome and they're not gonna support a healthy relationship. So,
you see where I'm coming from there? Nine principles. That is what works whether
it's your first marriage, your 30th marriage or your second. That's what you
need to know. I and my team are here to support you in building and establishing
those healthy relationships including with yourself.
There are so many resources available to you. Would you take just a moment to open
up the description of this video and look at some of the links in what we're
offering. You can get a free copy of my book. All you do is pay the shipping. I'm
going to send it right out to you. We've got free breakthrough calls.
There's coaching available. There's copies and digital copies of the books.
Please, visit the description and click on some links right now.
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