- I like to break out the board games this time of year.
Not long ago I played a game of Jenga with some friends,
and a couple of days after that
I was talking to me dad on the phone;
I thought "I'll tell him about it".
And then I thought "I dunno if me dad knows what Jenga is;
in his 70s, I dunno when it first became popular,"
so I thought "I'll ask him".
So I said "Dad, you know what Jenga is?".
And he said "Yeah! Like sex."
(audience laughs)
I said "Jenga."
He said "Sex".
(audience laughs)
I had so many questions (audience laughs)
and I didn't want any of the answers.
(audience laughs)
I said to him,
"Can I ask which word you think I'm saying?"
And he said "Yeah, 'gender'".
I was like "Oh, thank Christ for that!".
(audience laughs) I had a horrible idea
that that's what him and me mam called it.
He'd try to pull himself out without toppling her over.
(audience laughs)
A few months ago I went for a bra fitting-
give us a "woo" if you've ever been for a bra fitting?
(many people cheer)
Give us a "woo" if you did not enjoy it.
(many people cheer louder)
Exactly the same people again.
It's quite an odd experience, isn't it?
I've been touring and asking the women in my audiences
what they didn't like about their bra fitting.
One lady shouted out "cold hands",
that's what she said, "I didn't like the cold hands",
And I get it because because they have to touch you
at various times and cold arms aren't very pleasant to touch
but I had a think about it
and I think I prefer cold hands to warm hands.
Warm hands kind of ick me out.
Warm hands imply to me that they've been doing this:
"Ooo." (audience laughs)
"Ooo, Sheila'll have seen me at 10 o'clock, I cannot wait."
Another lady shouted out-
I said "what didn't you like about your bra fitting?"
and she said "It was embarrassing."
I said "Of course it's embarrassing, flower."
But I said "Was there one moment
that was worse than the rest?"
She said "Oh, yes, when I took me bra off,
two bits of popcorn fell out."
(audience laughs)
And one lady shouted out that she thought
there were too many mirrors and I get that,
I think there are too many mirrors in those cubicles.
'Cause when I went for mine the lady said to me,
"And would you like to look at the back of the bra?"
And I thought, "No?"
And then I thought "I wonder
if I'm missing out on something," so I had a look.
Turns out I've got back tits as well!
(audience laughs)
Didn't know about those.
Thanks for pointing them out, you cow.
(audience laughs)
I'm surprised she didn't try to sell me a bra
for the back ones and all. (audience laughs)
But I'll tell you what happened to me:
So, every now and again, I have to have a photo shoot.
Now, I hate photo shoots.
I have really bad body image issues,
so a photo shoot, for somebody like me, is a nightmare,
but sometimes they're unavoidable
and I had two in the space of a fortnight:
one for the cover of my book
and one for the poster for my tour.
Now, the lady was helping me pick
some clothes for the photo shoot.
And I said to her "Look, I don't have the time
or indeed the inclination to lose any weight,"
but I said "could you recommend anything
that might make me look a bit better?"
And she said "Go for a bra fitting,"
she said, "a properly fitted bra will knock pounds off you."
And I said "How many bras could I wear?"
(audience laughs)
Front tits, back tits, ass cheeks maybe? I dunno.
The place she recommended to me
was until about three months ago
known as the Queen's bra fitter
which I find quite an odd boast, don't you?
"Oh, we do do the Queen's bras.
We do the Queen's bras here."
I find that such an odd boast.
I've never once watched Trooping the Colour on the telly
and thought "Oh, I wish I had tits like hers."
(audience laughs)
I made an appointment at the place she recommended,
I went along to the appointment,
went to the cubicle with the lady
I'd made the appointment with
and I took off me top and I had me best bra on.
You always wear your best one, don't you?
I had me best bra.
And I said to the lady, "This is my best fitting bra".
And she went like this: (posh laughter)
She said "That's what everyone says".
I said "Well, maybe that's what everyone means."
We didn't hit it off at all; it was eggy from the get-go.
She said, "What we need to do with those two,"-
Those two? Like they're separate from my person?
(audience laughs)
"What we need to do with those two is lift and separate.
Lift and separate."
I said "Well, don't separate them too much
'cause that's what it looks like when I'm in bed."
(audience laughs)
The way she was talking, it sounded like she wanted them
to look like a travel pillow.
(audience laughs)
She gave me a bra to try on, and I said to her
"Would you mind stepping out of the cubicle
while I put on the bra, and when I've got it on
I'll shout you back in."
She looked utterly perplexed at this.
She said, "I've been doing this for 30 years".
I said, "Well, I haven't been doing this for 30 years,"
and then I thought "showing my boobs to strangers,
probably a good 25." (audience laughter)
But I didn't want to add her to my list:
my list of people who've seen my tits.
There's not that many people on that list:
just a handful of blokes
and a window cleaner once by accident.
(audience laughs)
We got a bra that fit and she tightened up the straps
'cause I had them on comfy setting, you know,
where they just sorta graze your belly.
(audience laughs)
Thank god I've got a belly; otherwise they'd hit the deck.
(audience laughs)
But she tightened up the straps
to where they're supposed to be
and then she put one finger under the strap at the top,
she put one finger underneath and she said,
"This is the rule: you're supposed to be able to get
only one finger under the strap."
And then she looked at me for a response.
I don't know why I said the following,
but when she said "One finger, that's the rule, one finger"
I said "Oh, that's interesting,
'cause it's two for a dog's collar."
Why the fuck did I say that? (audience laughs)
To make it worse, I then said
"Are you trying to stop me
from losing my boobs in the park?"
Why am I still talking? Shut up!
But there was one lady, and I asked her
"Why didn't you like your bra fitting?"
And she was an older lady, and she said
"When I took me bra off, me boobs went down like that
so they just measured me waist."
(audience laughs)
Another lady said, "I didn't like it
'cause I didn't know the etiquette
and I took me bra off too early."
How does that work? Was she still on the bloody bus?
(audience laughs)
Hello, it's Sarah Millican here.
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