- Was the sex the same after I was born?
Did I mess up Mom's vagina?
I guess the real question is after I was born
was it like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?
- For a while.
("Eine kleine Nachtmusik" by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart)
- I'm Chelsea.
- I'm Lee.
- This is my dad.
- Daughter.
- I'm Marietta.
- I'm Yasmin and I'm Marietta's daughter.
- [Interviewer] You guys talk
about everything pretty openly?
You talk about money? You talk about sex?
- Yeah, not too much sex.
- No!
(laughter)
Okay, yeah, but you know, we're pretty open with each other.
- [Interviewer] Well, today... (laughter)
- Mhmm.
- Yeah, it's gonna be exciting.
Alright, I'm going first.
- [Interviewer] Yes, sir.
- Describe the night of my conception in vivid detail?!
Don't do that please!
- It's... - No!
- It's only like;
Chuggin' it.
- Yeah, you better do that.
(laughter)
- It was the year of...
(laughter)
- 1993? - 1993!
And I remember the guy being like,
"I'm so in love with you, I don't think I can do this."
And I'm like what do you mean you can't?!
Come here, mother fucker!
(laughter)
- Okay, here we go.
Oh my god, really?
List all the illicit drugs you've tried.
- It's really basic: weed, mushrooms.
- Crack?
- Hell no!
(laughter)
- So marijuana, cocaine.
- What?
- Ecstasy.
- What drugs have you done, Mom?
- Me?
- Yeah, you.
Answer the question!
- No, I can tell you right now, I never done drugs.
(laughter)
How you doin'?
- I accidentally did heroin once.
It was a powder, I thought it was molly.
- Like it makes a difference.
- I didn't do it anymore, that was when I was 21, 22.
- What was your reaction when you found out
you were gonna be a parent?
- I was happy, you know, because
actually I wanted about ten kids.
- Jesus!
- But after I started having 'em, it was like ooh.
I really don't want ten kids.
(laughter)
- I was scared, I was sad - Well, tell how old
were you though?
- I was 16.
- Yeah, so that's fair.
- I wasn't ready for it.
The marriage was crap and I wanted a baby
and we got pregnant and I thought that was gonna fix it.
- It's funny because it just proves the fact that
people think that having a baby will fix their problems.
- It doesn't work.
- Knock it off.
- Do you wanna have children?
- I can't decide, I really love children.
- [Interviewer] Tell her about the magic of having children.
- It's not magic, they're stinky, they cry, they poop,
they can be annoying, but they're beautiful creatures.
So don't grow until you 50 and you will not be able
biological to have children and you will regret it.
When your eggs dry.
Gone.
Okay, what is your favorite sexual position and why?
(laughter)
Okay, drink please.
- This is not gonna happen.
- Why I mean being sexually opening, why does it matter?
- I don't know it's weird.
- Why?
Like if you're...
- Okay, fine!
- No, no, no, no, drink!
(laughter)
- Sideways. - Take a fuckin' drink.
- No I'm tellin' ya, - Cause I don't wanna...
- It's sideways cause I'm lazy!
(laughter)
- Okay, that's wonderful.
- Now you know.
Alright here we go, I'm gonna read this next one.
- Okay.
- Do you ever do butt stuff?
- Ew.
(laughter)
Butt stuff, what does that mean?
- Do you eat ass, do you get anal,
do you put the finger in the butt?
Like do you do butt stuff?
- Yeah, I need a drink cause that's nasty.
- Not on myself, on other people.
- Two-legged or four-legged?
(laughter)
- Have you ever had anything in your butt?
(laughter)
- Yeah.
- You said yeah?
Nah, no, well.
(laughter)
It's your turn, butt, it's your turn.
- When we hug... - It's your turn, Butt Stuff.
- From the butt joke.
- Name three ways I fucked up as a parent.
- Ooh.
(laughter)
My mom is so great, but she never fucked up.
Just kidding, okay so you definitely fucked up by
not understanding my mental illnesses.
- Okay.
- Did you just roll your eyes?
- No.
- You just did!
- If anything, you just taught me how to be
a really strong person, got me jobs, helped me out,
do a lotta stuff, so no, you didn't fuck up at all.
- Okay. - Yeah.
- Okay.
- Yeah, I can't think of one, oh shh.
- You just wanna drink, that's all.
- Nah, no! What?!
- You didn't think because I was a lesbian that...
- No that broadened my... - Yeah you were,
- You know what I'm saying? - Yeah you were real,
- I didn't give a shit, - open about that.
- Yeah, you'd go to school tellin' everybody,
"My mom's gay, my mom's gay, yeah!"
(laughter)
I had to sit 'em down, had to talk to ya.
Not everyone is on the same page as you, please, you know?
(laughter)
- In elementary school maybe you could have been more
like proactive in like, what do..
- PTSA? - PTSA, stuff like that.
- Never had time because I worked two shifts
because your father was gambling away all the money.
- I just always remember like the other kids
would have their mom's bring cookies.
- We're not gonna worry about cookies, pajama nights,
or things like that it's like strictly about education.
I'm sorry for that, but that's how it is.
- I know.
(laughter)
- On a scale from one to ten how heterosexual are you?
- Heterosexual, that's like?
- Straight.
- Straight. - Yes.
Like one is super gay - That's super gay?
- And... - Is there a super gay?
- Ten's like super straight.
- I'd probably say eight.
- Nice.
- Thirty.
(laughter)
- I can answer this for you,
on a scale from one to ten how heterosexual are you?
Negative five?
(laughter)
- Woo, he got that right!
- [Interviewer] Ask your daughter.
(laughter)
- Yeah, one to ten?
- One to ten? Probably a one.
- That's a lot lower than I would expect it.
- How heterosexual are you?
- Five.
Would you still love me if I dated a woman?
- I will love you, but distantly.
- I don't know what to say
cause I already know that you feel that way.
- Okay.
Are you going to change my diapers when the time comes?
(laughter)
- Yes, I will never put you in a retirement home.
- Oh really?
That's good news, awesome! - Yeah!
- Are you going to change my diapers when the time comes?
- I'd rather not.
(laughter)
- Imma tell you the truth,
me and brother gonna put you in a home.
(laughter)
- She's like no, no; look what she's doing!
- I better be proud to change your diapers, that's my dad!
- Just don't be sticking anything up my...
- No butt, unless you're like stuck and they're like
you need to get it out.
I would like pull out your poop.
- Would you do that? - If I, I would!
- Would you honestly? - I would!
- Mmm, what's something that's hard
for us to talk about together?
Should we just clear the air right now?
- No, there's nothing really hard to talk about with you.
Is there anything that you
have a hard time talking to me about?
- I do.
(laughter)
- I don't know, just your attitude sometimes,
it just really sucks.
I'm your mom so when I say something,
(laughter) No!
It really should be, you know, you should shut the hell up
and listen to what I say.
- We do.
- No you don't, no you don't. - Yeah, we do.
- See, there you go!
I'm saying no you don't, there you go.
Yeah we do, no you don't, yeah, you shut the hell up!
- Gimme a question, gimme your last one.
- Oh! - Better be a good one.
- Why are we have to get all fucking sentimental
and weird.
What did you think I was capable of becoming
when I was a child, have I lived up to those expectations?
I'll drink for that, shit.
- Yeah, I don't know that - Yeah, there you go.
- Be whatever you want to be, no expectations.
- You still piss me off.
- Oh yeah, you still piss me off all the time too.
- And if it wasn't for child abuse
I woulda whooped your ass a few times.
- Pssh!
- Even now.
- What I thought you were gonna be?
Nothing.
(giggling)
She was so lazy when she was young,
but now seeing you, where you are,
I mean you moved outta the house at 19,
you're 24 and you have done so much.
Yeah, I think my expectations are (explosive exhale).
- Aw, thank you. - You did great, baby.
- I love you
- Love you, too.
- [Interviewer] How was this for you guys?
- We drunk, so that's...
(laughter)
- That helped.
- You wanna do something like this again?
- Never.
- Done? Woo-hoo!
(applause)