- How long will the pain and trauma
from your partner's betrayal last?
For how long will you feel angry, sad, hurt, and afraid?
How long will it take for things to get better?
For you to feel happy again?
I'm licensed therapist Jonathan Decker
and today I'd like to share what I've learned
as someone trained and certified
in healing betrayal trauma,
and what I've observed as I've helped hundreds of couples
and individuals through the process.
I know the path you have ahead of you
and how you can come out the other side.
(dramatic music)
If your partner had an affair or was unfaithful in any way,
you're likely going through one
of the hardest times of your life.
We want you to find your light again
and feel joy again.
That's our whole purpose.
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that could make a difference for you,
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I've worked with hundreds of individuals and couples
whose lives have been rocked by infidelity.
The trauma is real.
It can cause a very legitimate form
of post-traumatic stress disorder or PTSD.
PTSD occurs when you believe that you are safe
and that your world is safe
and then that belief is shattered.
It feels like there's no foundation to feel safe and secure.
Reminders of the trauma trigger intense emotions
of fear, anger, and sadness.
You may be hypervigilant to keep yourself safe.
You may avoid places, things, and people
that bring those powerful emotions to the surface.
In the case of betrayal trauma,
it's particularly nerve wracking
because your partner is your trigger.
If you're trying to reconcile,
you probably wrestle with emotions
that are all over the place
because your brain associates your partner
with both love and devastation,
belonging and sharp pain.
If you're not trying to reconcile,
you still have to deal with people, places,
and things that remind you of the betrayal.
Some of you are feeling triggered right now
just with my talking about it.
That's normal.
And I want to help you through it.
I wanna teach you a technique really fast
that I learned from my wife.
It's called box breathing.
You trace the four sides of a box in the air
with your finger, counting to five with each side.
With the first side, you inhale.
With the second side, you hold.
With the third side, you exhale.
And with the fourth side, you hold again before repeating.
We're actually gonna do this right now
before we proceed to how to heal from betrayal trauma.
That way, if anything I'm saying,
helpful though it may be,
is triggering intense emotion in you,
you can box breathe yourself into a place of calm.
Ready?
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Now you might feel better right now
or you might need to keep doing it,
but now you know how to box breathe when triggered.
Now back to the task at hand,
how long will it take to recover from betrayal trauma?
The answer, of course lies, not just
in the efforts of the individuals involved,
but also in taking the correct steps to ensure
that recovery actually takes place.
I once worked with a couple for whom betrayal,
secrecy, lies, and revenge had become their way of life.
The affairs and counter affairs went on for decades.
I'm honestly not sure how they stayed together
as long as they did.
Although they had tried several therapists,
nothing seemed to working.
They kept hurting
and they kept hurting each other.
For over 20 years, they couldn't seem
to break out of the cycle and healing didn't come.
I'm gonna tell you
in a moment what happened when they came to us.
I worked with another couple
where the husband was chronically unfaithful
for several years.
She was ready to divorce him.
I remember another person,
a man whose partner had cheated on him
and kept it a secret for years after the affair had ended.
In all of these cases,
the pain and triggers and trauma endured for years
until they got the right help and took the right steps.
So what are the steps?
I'm gonna lay them out for you.
But first I want to encourage you,
when this video is done,
to go and watch our other video called:
Is Healing Even Possible? Betrayal Trauma Recovery
in which I give you five tips for healing
from betrayal trauma.
It builds on what I'm about to say.
How long will it take for you to heal from betrayal trauma
will depend on how closely you follow
as a couple or as an individual
what Dr. John Gottman calls, atonement,
attunement, and attachment.
During the atonement phase, the partner
who was unfaithful must be open, honest, and transparent.
The infidelity needs to end, full stop.
They must be accountable for their actions,
without trying to minimize, justify. or shift blame.
They need to temper their defensiveness
with genuine remorse.
In fact, showing that their remorse is equal to,
or at least in the same ballpark as the pain they've caused,
is what will allow the betrayed partner to begin to trust
that this won't happen again.
This is because the unfaithful partner is showing
that they're taking it seriously.
Instead of urging the betrayed partner to get over it,
move on, and forgive.
The unfaithful partner must earn trust.
And they need to take full responsibility
for their actions.
The betrayed partner, for their part,
needs to understand the difference
between forgiveness and trust.
Forgiveness is letting go of bitterness, anger, and hatred.
It's not a one-time choice, but how we handle the hurt
and the rage when they come up and over again.
You can forgive someone as still break up with them.
You can forgive someone and never or talk to them again.
This is because forgiveness isn't for them.
It's for you.
So you don't carry that negativity inside of you.
Holding a grudge is like drinking poison
and expecting the other person to die.
Trust, on the other hand, has to be earned,
Forgiveness can be given freely, but trust has to be earned.
It's necessary for healthy relationships.
If you are trying to reconcile,
extending trust can be hard.
It should only be offered
as it is earned.
During the next phase, attunement,
couples work on improving their relationship,
their conflict resolution, and their communication.
As forgiveness happens, as trust is restored,
and as the relationship itself heals and grows,
couples practice attachment,
which is the third phase of staying on the right track.
In the attachment phase,
we re-establish sex as a source of closeness and safety,
instead of as a trauma trigger.
And create clear-cut consequences
to prevent further infidelity.
In all of this, a skilled therapist trained
in betrayal trauma healing is a must.
It doesn't have to be us,
but we are trained in guiding you through this.
It takes us three months to train you
in the nuances of atonement, attunement, and attachment
and to help you to apply them.
But of the original question?
How long does it take to recover from betrayal trauma?
The truth is that recovery isn't a finish line you cross.
It's a process of healing
that finds you experiencing triggers less often
and with less intensity across time.
For many, the bulk of the work
can be done relatively quickly, within a few months.
Though triggers occurring even years later are common.
But they can be much less frequent and much less painful.
What matters is that you know what to do when they do come
and that they no longer dominate your life.
You can feel peace again.
You can feel joy again.
You can feel hope again.
This doesn't need to define you
or your future relationships.
Now one extra piece of advice.
Make sure you make time for self care.
You may feel an obligation
to all the other people in your life, such as your children,
but if you're not taking care of yourself,
you will burn out and find yourself unable to help anybody.
Self-care isn't selfish.
It's simply smart.
Now I want to hear from you down below in the comments.
What are your symptoms of betrayal trauma?
For how long have they gone on?
Have you continued on that path or have things changed?
Or if you have questions for us
about healing from betrayal trauma, let us know
in the comments below, and we'll happily address them.
If you found this video helpful,
I'd like to invite you to watch the next one right here.
And don't forget to subscribe
and click the bell so that you never miss a video.
(bell rings)
Here at Mended Light, we're invested
in helping you heal yourself
so that your light can shine to the world.
So that you can be the happiest, best version of you.
I'm Jonathan Decker, licensed therapist.
And I'll see you next time.
(dramatic music)