We're really glad that you made it. I know you had, uh,
you flew in all the way from where? Where'd you come from?
Oh, I don't want to say the city because I had
a ticket attendant, a ticket person,
an agent, who was unkind to me,
and so I don't want to,
specifically, locate her in the country,
(audience laughing)
Uh-huh. But I've been on a book tour
say, for about three, four weeks, a long time,
and these book tours are worse than,
because they treat, it's just like in Hollywood,
you know, they treat a writer (audience member shouting)
they treat a writer in Hollywood, like an unnecessary evil,
and so all around the country, publishers, you know,
they book writers, I'm not a writer,
but Jane wrote the book, and I was,
because it's my character, we went on a book tour.
And, um,
so they book you unbelievably tight,
you know, These things are a grind.
We've had people on the show Yeah, they're a grind,
and you're just dead, you're just exhausted,
more exhausted, I could, I could have done, like,
20 shows in a week, 20 physical two-hour shows.
Anyways, so I get to the airport
very early in the morning and it's raining and,
and I'm really tired and I look bad, you know,
and my haircut, I mean, whatever bad haircut I had
has grown into worse length.
(audience laughing)
In the cab ride to the airport, this happened, right.
Just, and, grimy, you have grimy pores,
everything's going wrong. (Conan laughing)
And so, I get, when we get there, they,
the computer is broken down,
so we couldn't check in at the curb, you know,
and we had to take two escalators,
and then two escalators up, two escalators down,
we had to take a tram to the other end of the airport.
And when we get there, they'd given away
my first class seat.
They just tossed it away? (audience groaning)
I know it's sad, isn't it? (Conan laughing)
The saddest story I've ever heard.
(all laughing)
And so I, so, naturally, but I needed a first,
I thought I needed a first class seat,
but I didn't really, because it turned out that,
I mean, I never used to travel first class
because I thought it was, you know,
oh, it was a slap in the face of my origins.
Mm-hmm. (audience laughing)
But then you tasted those warm nuts and you thought, yeah,
I don't care. (all laughing)
I'm staying here. That's right, so,
so, anyway, well, I wasn't paying for the ticket, anyway,
so they booked me first class, but then they gave it away.
So, but the woman at the desk, you know, I said,
"But we've been here for 20 minutes,
how could you give my seat away?"
Because she said,
"Next time, you're just going to have to
get here a little earlier."
(audience laughing)
And I said, "But I'm so, please,"
I said, "please, all I need is a kind word, a kind gesture.
I'm desperate, I'm tired, I'm aging,
everything's going wrong with my life."
(audience laughing)
And I said, "if you," and I said,
"even if you don't mean it or believe it,
at least pretend that you care a little bit,
that you gave my seat away," and she says,
"I'm getting a little tired of you scolding me."
(audience laughing)
I love how you're looking for sympathy
from a ticket person in an airline.
Well, I thought I, I thought it would be,
I thought we could probably have a, kind of, you know,
a psychological breakthrough on both sides.
I tried not, (Conan laughing)
I didn't, I didn't use the word "crunk" even once.
Oh, good for you, good for you.
I remained composed and ladylike and
anyway, I said, "I'm not, it's not ending here,
I have to get on the plane, I have to take this coach seat."
But when I, I'm not stopping, I'm telling it
all the way to here all the way up the runway,
at the gangplank, or whatever you call it,
(audience laughing)
that takes you to coach, Yeah.
And I'm gonna tell all my fellow passengers,
I'm gonna tell all your colleagues who are in the flight
and the flight attendant pool,
and, of course, by this time,
all the news had traveled, of course, to the airplane,
so everybody was looking at me when I got on and,
and all the flight attendants came over
and sort of huddled and, you know, caressed me and,
(all laughing)
Wow.
Yeah. Really, that works?
Well, they were teasing me. I gotta try this, oh.
No, no, they were teasing me, but,
they, they wanted me to feel better.
And they said, "Oh, you've had a hard day."
And they held me to their bosoms and things.
(audience laughing)
Wow. And I had more fun
in coach, actually.
I didn't know, yeah.
(audience applauding)
There's a lot of hugging in coach.
Yeah.
We did a bit before the show, the,
before you came out, the crystal ball,
which touched on elections a bit,
Yeah.
Which brought something to mind, you're very,
I know you're very politically active.
Do you have a take on, uh, on the elections right now?
Well, the thing that, when I was watching that,
the thing that occurred to me that
made me happiest was that stars
don't have to be elected every four years.
(Conan laughing) You know, I thought, I thought,
what if politicians had to become,
they got to be politicians the way
we get to be stars, Uh-huh.
All of us.
(laughing) Thanks for, yeah. (audience applauding)
Thanks for including us.
Very generous of you. And then politicians
would have to endorse us.
(Conan laughing) And then we would have to probably
make commercials telling the country
what kind of entertainment we were going to give them.
(Conan laughing)
Promises we would not want to make.
No, and then I wonder, anyway,
I'm just glad I don't have to be elected every four years.
No, this is a nice, this is a much better way to do it.
Well, let's make sure we get to the book.
Edith Ann, it's, um,
called "Edith Ann: My Life So Far,"
this is as told to Jane Wagner, as,
as you mentioned.
What would you say the book is about?
(as Edith Ann) Well, the book,
the book is about me, Conan.
Yeah, I have this,
I have this hair, my publisher said,
"Go out with your hair just like Edith,
and then people will see that you are Edith."
(audience laughing)
Yeah, so, the book is about me and I am six.
Uh-huh, oh, six.
And,
the thing I had most, I wanted, was that
I wanted my teenage sister, Irene,
to be like all the other teenagers at Edgetown
and just run away.
(audience laughing)
And then, I got my wish, my wish came true.
And as bad as I felt when she was at the house,
I felt worse when she was gone,
and,
and I'm hoping she will come back.
That's why I like to write letters.
I wrote lots of letters to people to help people.
Uh-huh.
Who did you write to?
Well, when me and mom watch
the talk shows on the daytime,
(audience laughing)
on "Sally" show,
on "Maury" show,
on "Oprah" show,
on "Montel" show,
on everybody's show,
on "Ricki Lake" show,
they have helped every family,
almost every family, in the U.S. except the Buley family,
(Conan laughing)
Which is our family. Uh-huh,
they've just missed you.
Yeah, but I keep writing, because someday soon
it will be our family's turn.
(audience laughing)
And they will help us, and they, maybe,
like I wrote to Richard Simmons about my
friend Hubby Matthews, because he is overweight.
(Conan laughing)
Well, Richard will help him.
Yes, because I thought, maybe Richard
could go to hubby's house
and go through the refrigerator
the way I have seen him go through it
on Sally's and I think on Maury's, too,
and, then he could put,
he could put Hubby on a diet,
and, and I told Richard, I said,
"Dear Richard, you are an inspiration to all body types."
(audience laughing)
Everyone, everywhere.
You also write to Rush Limbaugh in this book, I noticed.
I did, I wrote to Rush because my dad likes Rush,
and, do you like Rush?
Oh yeah, he's opposite us,
But I, we all have to love him,
no, we don't.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, so,
so, here's what I said to Ru-
I wanted Rush to send my dad something special,
like maybe an old Snapple bottle with an autograph.
(Conan laughing)
And, so I said to Rush,
I said, "Please write back, but let me say to you, Rush,
that I am a, I am a tree hugger.
(Conan laughing)
And, yes, and on your, and I do not like
your animal rights bumper music."
Because, on his animal rights update,
he has Andy Williams singing "Born Free."
And in the background, you could hear gunfire
and you hear animals screaming.
(audience laughing)
That's just Rush's sense of humor.
Yeah, that's horrible.
Yeah.
And, so I said, "I do not want you to change your mind,
I would wish you would have a change of heart.
And, if I could introduce you to my dog Hug,
I bet I could, I bet I could
win you over to animal rights,
or, at least get you to, get you to use nicer bumper music."
Well, yeah, that's a, that's a very good idea for Rush.
Or, you could also get Richard Simmons to visit Rush.
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
That's a good idea. That might be nice.
(audience applauding)
Yes, and I will write him at once.
I will write and tell him to do that.
Wow, well, that's, uh, I wanted to ask you
very, very quickly, I know
we're just about out of time, but
I wanted to mention you've done so many monologues over,
over the years,
(speaking normally) Yes, I have.
Yeah, you've done so many different characters.
Do you get requests?
People must come up to you all the time
and ask you to do some of the different characters.
Oh, well, they,
I mean, if I'm at the cleaners, you know,
the phone rings, they'll say Ernestine, it's for you.
(Conan laughs)
But, I, you know, I,
there's no way I can tell you.
I've tried to do every culture type there is.
The very first monologue I ever did on television,
I think, was, um,
the woman who is addicted to eating rubber objects.
(audience laughing)
And she's Lucille Dobby, and she's making a confession,
you know, about, about this addiction she has, and,
and as she's recounting what happens to her,
she says, you know,
(with a southern accent) One day, my husband, Walt,
came home early.
I was just finishing off a typewriter eraser.
(audience laughing)
He caught me with the brush sticking out of my mouth.
(audience laughing)
From then on, I went right on the heavy stuff.
Things started to disappear around the house.
You know, Conan, Oh, sure.
At first, I was careful.
You know, door stops,
(audience laughing)
backs off the shag rugs,
tip off mother's cane.
Sometimes, I'd be playing Canasta with the girls,
I don't know what would come over me.
I'd just jump up, run in the kitchen and eat a spatula.
(audience laughing)
(speaking normally) That kind of thing.
Yeah, no one can accuse you.
(audience applauding)
I like it better when they don't applaud.
Oh, well,
I mean, I like it better when you act like
you're in your, like, what if we were in our living room,
you know, and your friends are there
and there's four or five friends, and everybody,
if someone says something funny, they,
(Lily clapping)
"Oh, good."
Please, please, Lily,
don't encourage my audience from applauding.
Don't try and get them not to.
The book, it's, it's really a fun book,
"Edith Ann: My Life So Far,"
And it's by, as told to Jane Wagner,
people can get that just about anywhere.
It was really nice having you on the show.
Thanks, it was a pleasure. (audience applauding)
It really was.
Thank you, very much.
Thank you.
(indistinct)
Lily Tomlin, everyone.