♪♪
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY.
WELL, FOLKS, IT'S OFFICIAL: SCIENTISTS HAVE DECLARED THAT
2020 IS THE LONGEST YEAR ON RECORD.
AND AS WE ENTER SUMMER, I THINK IT'S VITAL WE REFLECT ON WHAT
WE'VE GONE THROUGH AND BEGIN THE CONVERSATION ON WHERE WE WANT TO
END UP AT THE CONCLUSION OF THIS TUMULTUOUS YEAR, DISCOVER WHO WE
ARE.
AND SINCE IT IS SUMMER, I STRONGLY BELIEVE THAT
CONVERSATION REQUIRES A THOROUGH EXAMINATION INTO THE HISTORY OF
THE CORN DOG, AMERICA'S SUMMERTIME TREAT.
NOW, BEAR WITH ME, BECAUSE I STAYED UP ALL NIGHT THINKING
ABOUT THIS.
MINNESOTA STATE FAIR, 1941, BECAUSE THIS PROBABLY GOES
WITHOUT SAYING, BUT BEFORE WE CAN EVEN GET TO CORN DOGS, WE
MUST ADDRESS "THE PRONTO PUP."
DOG. BATTER. STICK-- SO SIMPLE, BUT ALSO--
( KNOCKING ) DID YOU JUST HEAR SOME KNOCKING?
DO WE HAVE KNOCKING.
THAT'S COMING-- HOLD ON.
THIS IS COMING FROM THE DESK.
HOLD ON.
OH, MY GOD!
IT'S JON STEWART!
>> HELLO?
HELLO.
>> Stephen: JON!
>> OH, MY GOD!
STEPHEN?
>> Stephen: OH, MY GOD, JON, HOLD ON.
I'LL TAKE YOU OUT OF THE DESK.
>> STEPHEN, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
>> Stephen: OH, JON.
LOOK, OH, JOHNNY.
JON.
>> FIRST OF ALL, THANK YOU SO MUCH-- STEPHEN, IT WAS SO DARK
IN THERE, AND I WAS SO SCARED.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
>> Stephen: I'M SOR SORRY.
I'M KEPT THE DRAWER CLOSED FOR MONTHS TO KEEP THE CORONAVIRUS
AWAY FROM YOU.
>> I WAS TAKING KETAMINE, AND I GOT IN THE DESK, AND THE NEXT
THING I KNOW, I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING.
>> Stephen: JON, WE'VE TALKED ABOUT YOUR K-HOLE.
>> I KNOW.
>> Stephen: YOU GOT-- YOU GOTTA WATCH IT, MAN.
>> I'M TRYING.
THE DOWN TOWN, BABY IS NOT GOOD FOR ME.
>> Stephen: HOW ARE YOU?
HOW ARE YOU WEATHERING THE COVID QUARANTINING WITH YOUR LOVELY
FAMILY?
>> WELL, EVERYBODY IS DOING AGREEMENT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ASKING.
AND-- >> Stephen: I'M REQUIRED TO
ASK.
IT SAYS SHIASK.
>> OH, IS THAT -- >> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR
THANKING ME.
>> YOU ACTUALLY KNEW HOW I WAS DOING BECAUSE I TALKED TO YOU
YESTERDAY AND THE DAY BEFORE THAT.
>> Stephen: AND TODAY FOR A LITTLE BIT.
>> AND TODAY FOR A LITTLE BIT AS WELL, BUT IT'S GOOD TO HAVE A
MORE FORMAL -- >> Stephen: SURE, BUT AS
PERFORMERS, NOTHING MEANS ANYTHING UNLESS AN AUDIENCE SEES
HOW YOU FEEL.
>> THAT'S AN EXCELLENT POINT AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HOW I WAS
DOING UNTIL YOU JUST ASKED ME JUST NOW.
>> Stephen: SO, JON, HOW ARE YOU DOING?
>> STEPHEN, LOOK AT ME.
I'M GOING FULL CHRISTOPHER LLOYD IN --
>> Stephen: I CAN BEAT YOU.
>> WHAT DO YOU THINK?
>> Stephen: I CAN BEAT YOU.
>> THAT IS A LUSH MANE!
WE ARE ROCKING LUSH MANES.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S UP?
>> I'M GOING FULL EINSTEIN, BUT I THINK YOU MIGHT BE GOING FULL
"SHINING."
>> Stephen: I MIGHT BE GOING YAHOO SERIOUS.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT IS THE SADDEST THING ABOUT THIS, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: WHAT?
>> YOU KNOW, AS SOMEONE WHO IS JUST REALLY ON THE DIVIDING LINE
OF-- OF THOSE THAT THE C.D.C.
WOULD SAY, "PUT YOURSELF IN A HYPERBARRACK CHAMBER AND DON'T
COME OUT UNTIL 2025.
>> Stephen: I KNOW.
>> I'M NOW CONSIDERED OLD ENOUGH THAT THIS IS A PRE-EXISTING
CONDITION.
I WANTED TO READ UP ON IT, SO I WAS READING ABOUT THE 1918
PANDEMIC.
>> Stephen: RIGHT, BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T GONE THROUGH ANYTHING
LIKE THIS FOR 100 YEARS.
>> THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT.
>> Stephen: WELL, WHAT DID THEY DO?
>> SO, HERE'S WHAT'S CRAZY ABOUT IT.
THE 1918 PANDEMIC, THE ADVICE THAT THEY GAVE WAS "DON'T TRY
AND-- STAY INSIDE AND IF YOU DON'T STAY INSIDE, WEAR A MASK
AND SOCIALLY DISTANCE."
AND I WAS LIKE.
>> Stephen: ORGANIZATION NO!
OH, NO.
>> I WAS HOPING IT WOULD MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.
I THOUGHT THERE WAS GOING TO BE SOME OLD-TIMEY, LIKE, "DRINK
APPLE SIDER AND MERCURY, AND THAT WILL BE THE ELIXIR FOR YOUR
VITALITY.
>> Stephen: NOBODY.
>> IT'S 102 YEARS.
WE LITERALLY JUST BEEN DRIVING IN CIRCLE S.
>> Stephen: I THINK THERE ARE A LOT OF NOBEL PRIZES THAT
SHOULD BE TAKEN AWAY.
THEY HAVEN'T MADE ANY IMPROVEMENT OVER THE LAST 102
YEARS, SOMEBODY SCREWED UP.
>> I FEEL LIKE THE LAST BIG IMPROVEMENT WAS DURING THE BLACK
DEATH, THE PLAGUE, SOMEBODY WENT, "SHOULD WE BE GOING TO THE
BATHROOM IN THE DRINKING WATER, OR IS THAT SOMETHING WE SHOULD
STOP IN?
>> Stephen: THE BIGGEST IMPROVEMENT IN THE LAST ONE
YEARS THEY CAME UP WITH THAT NOVELTY SOAP THAT BLEEDS WHEN
YOU-- WHEN YOU GET IT ALL SOAPY, THAT YOU BUY IN THE BOOK OF A
COMIC BOOK.
>> THAT IS-- THAT IS-- THAT IS AN EXCELLENT ONE.
AND X-RAY GLASSES THAT YOU CAN BAY, AND YOU CAN JUST SEE
THROUGH PEOPLE'S CLOTHES.
GLI KNOW.
THAT WORKS.
>> THESE-- BUT I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO FIND COMFORT IN SOME
SORT OF BIZARRELIANT 80ED LACK OF UNDERSTANDING LIKE, "YOU
COULD TAKE A DRILL BIT AND TRY TO PUT IT IN YOUR HEAD."
EXACT SAME ADVICE.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE GOVERNMENT'S RESPONSE?
HOW DO YOU THINK THEY'VE HANDLED IT SO FAR?
JON?
>> I'M LINKING S.O.S. TO YOU IN MORSE CODE.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU COULD -- >> Stephen: I THOUGHT WE LOST
THE SATELLITE FEED FOR A SECRETARY.
>> DOT-DOT-DOOT, DASH-DASK HASH-DASH, DOT, DOT, DOT.
I THINK THEY'RE DOING BEST THEY CAN.
I THINK THE POLITICIZATION OF JUST BASIC HYGIENE HAS BEEN, I
THINK, ONE OF THE MORE SURPRISING ASPECTS THAT --
>> Stephen: LIKE WEARING A MASK, WHERE A MASK HAS BECOME A
POLITICAL STATEMENT.
>> THE "DON'T TREAD ON ME" SNAKE IS THE SYMBOL OF TIRNY.
>> Stephen: I WILL NOT WEAR YOUR COVID BERKA.
>> THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT.
IT'S THE GARB OF THE AUTHORITARIAN.
IT'S THE SWASTIKA ARM BAND.
IT'S THE BROWN SHIRT.
AND I KEEP THINKING TO MYSELF, "THEY WEAR THOSE IN OPERATING
ROOMS, RIGHT?
THEY DO THAT NOT BECAUSE THEY'RE LISTENING TO NPR.
I'M PRETTY SURE SO THEY DON'T PUT THEIR-- I JUST WANT TO SAY
TO ALL THOSE PEOPLE LIKE, "SO THE NEXT TIME YOU GET AN
OPERATION, YOU JUST SAY TO THE DOCTOR' YOU TAKE THAT LIBERAL
( BLEEP ) SOMEWHERE ELSE.
YOU COME IN HERE WITH NO COVERING.
YOU DON'T WASH THOSE HANDS.
AND YOU STICK THEM IN MY OPEN WOUND, BECAUSE I'M AN
AMERICAN'."
>> Stephen: I WANT TO TELL YOU MY CONSPIRACY THEORY IS THIS
ENTIRE MASK THING IS ALL JUST A PUT-ON.
IT'S A CONSPIRACY BY THE ALTOIDS PEOPLE, BECAUSE WHEN YOU PUT
THAT MASK ON AND YOU GET A BIG BLAST OF YOUR OWN MASK BREATH,
YOU'RE LIKE, "THIS WOULD KNOCK A BUZZARD OFF A ( BLEEP ) WAGON.
WHAT IS-- WHAT HAVE I BEEN EATING?
>> CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING?
ONE ONE OF THE FIRST THINGS I DID WHEN THE MANDATE CAME DOWN
IF YOU'RE GOING TO GO OUT YOU SHOULD WEAR A MASK WAS APOLOGIZE
TO MY FAMILY OPINION I PUT THE MASK ON, AND I DROVE AROUND, AND
I CAME HOME AND I SAID, "GUYS, I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU, I HAD NO
IDEA."
( LAUGHTER )
I UNDERSTAND NOW WHY YOU'RE IN YOUR ROOMS MOST OF THE TIME.
>> Stephen: UH-HUH.
>> "AND I WILL ENGAGE IN A MORE SOCIALLY DISTANCED WAY OF
DEALING WITH YOU UNTIL I CAN CLARIFY THIS."
>> Stephen: JON, YOU KNOW HOW TV WORKS.
WE HAVING TO TAKE A BREAK.
DON'T GO AWAY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE JON STEWART.