I'm getting out of shape.
You want to know how you know
you're getting out of shape?
When you get out of breath,
blowing on the food to cool it
down that you're trying to eat--
(audience laughing)
So I got to start exercising
more.
That's the thing.
I'm going to-- I'm looking
at the machine I can buy
and take on the road with me.
And here it is.
I'm watching the infomercial,
and here's the big picture
of the guy, the before picture,
what he looked like before.
And here's the machine.
And he's working out with it.
He's real vigorous on it.
That's what he looks
like in the after picture.
I'm like, man, maybe
I should buy that thing.
Work out with it just three
times a week for 20 minutes
each time, and maybe I could
look like that guy in the
before picture.
(audience laughing)
You guys left me hanging
on that one for a second.
I'm not even going to lie
to you.
I know that I eat poorly.
I know that.
It doesn't escape my cube.
And everybody wants to tell me
how to eat.
I'm driving overnight one time.
I'm tired.
Just ready to get home.
I order some stuff
at the drive-through
around the corner.
And there's a woman standing
outside of her car stopping me.
I said, are you OK?
And she said, "Yes, don't go
"get your food yet."
Why?
"Because I told them we didn't
"want the food they had already
"prepared.
"We wanted our food
"prepared fresh."
Lady, I just ordered three
cheeseburgers off the dollar
menu at McDonald's at 2:45
in the morning.
I am well aware the level
of cuisine I'm about
ready to have.
(audience laughing)
Why don't you get out of my way
while the chef prepares yours
the way you want it.
Let him throw my fat
in the sack,
and get on down the road.
I've got places to be.
(audience laughing)
I was at a nice restaurant
one time.
The waitress walks over.
"Have you had time to look
"at the menu?"
Yes, I have.
"What can I get you?"
I said, I'm
a very basic, straightforward
kind of eater.
How about a steak
and baked potato.
She said, "OK, perfect.
"How would you like your potato?"
(audience laughing)
I thought I hit that a second
ago.
Did I not run through that
already?
She goes, "No, I have
"22 different ways I can prepare
"a baked potato.
"Would you like to hear
"the list?"
No, I don't want to hear
the list.
Make it hot.
Put in your pocket.
Walk around with it
for a second.
I don't care.
Heat it up.
"How would you like your steak?"
Well done.
"Oh, I'm sorry, we don't prepare
"our steaks well done."
That's OK, because it's not
our steak.
(audience laughing)
Not trying to sound
like a horrible person here,
but I planned on eating it
all by myself.
(audience laughing)
She said, "No the cooks will
"prepare it that way.
"But you can have it done
"any other way."
Oh, any other way.
Do you do medium?
"Yes, we do.
Well, do that twice.
(audience laughing)
I've got a buddy that's really
into juicing.
He's like, "man, if you juice
"fruit and vegetables,
"you get so many more
"vitamins and nutrients."
He said, "let me make you some."
I don't know.
"Come on."
What's in it?
"Well, this has kale
"and carrots."
No.
He's like, "No, no, no, I'm also
"going to put some beets in it."
Oh, good.
There for a second,
I thought it was going to taste
like crap.
(audience laughing)
Glad you have some
of those plump, delicious beets
I've been craving.
You can mix
in a little broken concrete
and rock salt. Really help wash
that down.
That'd be fantastic.
(audience laughing)
You do insane things
to try and stay in shape.
I had some people come up to me
after a show.
He was like, "Hey, man, let me
"ask you a question.
"Do you play volleyball?"
I was like, oh, yeah.
But actually the correct answer
is, oh, no.
They ask me a personal question
about myself to my face
and I got it wrong.
That is very difficult to do.
(audience laughing)
They said, "We really don't need
"you to play.
"But it's a big championship game.
"We thought it would be cool
"if you just stay on the side
"and make some jokes."
I'm like, hey, man, that's cool.
I can do that.
So I get there,
and I've got an old pair
of basketball shorts on,
like a t-shirt from the Chuckle
Hut in Tennessee
or wherever it was from.
And my teammates come in,
and they're in these really
nice-looking uniforms.
I'm like, "Guys, I don't have
"a uniform."
He's like, doesn't matter.
You're not going to be playing.
Perfect I'm going to get away
with this.
And they're warming up.
And I'm out there helping
the best I can, and loving me
until a guy gets a phone call.
He goes, OK, OK, and looks over
at me.
He goes, we've got it covered.
Don't worry about.
I don't know what he's getting
ready to say, but we don't got
it covered.
I do know that.
And he points at me and goes,
you've got to play.
"Hold up.
"We talked about this.
"I wasn't supposed to play."
He goes, no, four guys riding
together, their Jeep broke down
on the interstate.
They're not going to make it.
If we don't start the game
with six, we're disqualified.
You're number six.
The guy walks over.
He's like, hey, man, just having
a little fun.
Reached up and gives me one
of those.
And right when I get about right
here, somebody yelled at me.
They go, hey, Thornsberry.
I look away, and I missed.
I didn't connect that, which
should have been
their first clue that I might
not be the athlete that they
were banking on.
(audience laughing)
We get in our little huddle
and the guy goes, OK, we're
going to go cross-face rotation
on two.
I go, "I don't know what that means."
He gets mad.
He goes, cross-face rotation
on two.
"Yeah, the volume wasn't
"throwing me off.
"That's not where you lost me."
He said, just stand
in the corner of the playing
area and try to stay out
of the way.
"Hey, that was my plan
"from the beginning there, Tim.
"I don't know what you're playing
"with, but that's what I had too."
He was like, watch out, they've
got Andy serving.
"Who's Andy?"
Andy was
a three-time All-American
at the University of Oregon.
He was a reserve for the US
Men's Olympic Volleyball Team.
And he said, he's
got this weird ability to figure
out the weakest player
on the opposing team--
(audience laughing)
--and will attack him.
Oh, like a guy not wearing
freaking uniform?
Sherlock Andy can see us out of
those clues together, can he?
Wonderful what they teach
in Oregon.
I wish this story had a better
ending.
I really do.
Andy served the ball to me
15 times in a row because he is
a horrible human being.
(audience laughing)
After the third point his team
goes and sits down.
They're just sitting on the side
just texting.
My guys on my team
that aren't getting missiles
fired at them 85 miles an hour
every seven seconds,
"Man, this guy sucks."
"Well, I know that we had to get
"somebody."
"I know, then why's he crying,"
or whatever they were saying.
I really don't know.
But that's what they were--
We lose 15 to nothing.
Their championship season
destroyed.
1000% my fault. Everybody's mad.
Everybody leaves.
One guy walks back over to me.
He's like, "Hey, man,
"I know it's not your thing."
I appreciate that.
And he goes, "Oh, you can't do
"that either."
And walks off.
(audience laughing)