I get it, Mom. God bless you. That shit is hard.
My son's 13, and it just keeps getting harder and harder.
It's so hard.
My son is in the seventh grade. God damn it.
I want all you new parents to know this right now.
When you were in the seventh grade and you weren't smart,
you're definitely not gonna be smart when your kid
gets to the seventh grade.
It's harder.
My son and I are failing Math.
It's so hard.
Now he's getting a C-minus in Math. C-minus in Math.
In private school, that's not good.
That's failing Math.
So, of course, she brings me in for a parent-teacher meeting.
Private school. That's what they do.
They sit you down because they're concerned.
"Hi. Mr. Koy. Mr. Koy, please sit down.
I don't want to startle you. I want to nip this in the bud.
Just want you to know, Mr. Koy,
that your son has a C-minus in Math.
Uh-oh.
That's not good.
What are we gonna do to solve that, Mr. Koy?
You need to help me help him.
I can do whatever I can over here at school,
but when he gets home, you need to crack open that book
and you need to start working
on those questions with your son.
Let's bring that grade back up. Let's do this as a team, Mr. Koy.
Come on!"
And I was, like,
"You know I'm a comedian, right?
And I hired you to teach my son math.
Uh-oh.
What are we gonna do to fix that?
Sounds like you owe me money."
If you have kids, take them to public school.
That's the only-- Public school, please.
I'm paying college tuition for my son's
seventh-grade education.
And then I get a call from the principal.
"Mr. Koy, you forgot to pay your milk fee.
You forgot to pay your milk fee, Mr. Koy."
I go, "I paid the tuition.
I thought it was included in the tuition."
"No, Mr. Koy, that's separate."
I got so mad. I was filling out that paperwork,
and I just looked at my son.
I go, "I can't believe I'm filling out paperwork
to pay for milk."
He goes, "What are you talking about, Dad?"
I go, "When I filled out paperwork,
it was so I can get free milk.
We were poor, Joe.
We couldn't afford milk,
so my mom filled out paperwork so we could get a free milk.
I couldn't wait to get to school so I could actually taste calcium.
And it's delicious when it's free."
He didn't know what a free milk was,
so I had to explain to him what a free milk looked like.
I go, "Joe, a free milk was a carton of milk
that looked like a house from Monopoly.
And it had three simple instructions.
You pulled the right side to the right,
the left side to the left,
and then you pinched the middle
and pulled it towards your chest,
and it's supposed to make a spout.
But it never made a fucking spout.
So, you turned it to the back and started over.
That side had too much glue.
You couldn't even open that fucking side.
So you just ripped it open in the middle.
Now you're drinking milk out of a square box."