♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!
LET'S SAY HELLO TO MR. JON BATISTE.
HELLO, JON.
AHOY, CAPTAIN.
PERMISSION TO COME ABOARD.
LET ME SEE.
GET A LITTLE CLOSER.
WHAT DOES THAT HAT SAY NOW THAT IS A REALLY GOOD LOOK.
ARE YOU GETTING READY FOR MARDI GRAS?
IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT?
>> St>> Stephen: JON, CAN YOU GI ME A LITTLE SECOND LINE?
YOU CAN MATCH YOUR HAT WITH YOUR FINGERS?
♪ ♪ ♪ JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.
>> Jon: OW!
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, JON.
YOU KNOW, I SPEND THE BULK OF MY DAY WHIPPING THE DAY'S BIGGEST
STORIES INTO AN EXQUISITELY FORMED TOPICAL MERINGUE BASE,
ADDING JUST A DROP OF NEWS-WORTHY EXTRACT, THEN
BAKING IT 'TIL IT'S PERFECTLY JIGGLY IN THE CENTER BEFORE
LAYERING IT WITH CHIFFON CAKE AND FLAWLESSLY VENEERING IT IN
BUTTERCREAM TO CRAFT YOU THE BESPOKE SEVEN-TIERED GATEAU THAT
IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES I LIKE TO BLEND SOME EXPIRED EGGS
WITH A BAG OF SAWDUST, SCRAPE IN SOME OF MY WIFE'S CONGEALED
TOFFEE-BUTTER HAND CREAM, THROW IT ON A HOT CAR HOOD TO HARDEN
UP, AND THEN DECORATE IT WITH SOME DIRTY PENNIES I FOUND UNDER
THE COUCH TO CREATE THE HEALTH-CODE VIOLATING,
GAS-STATION POUND CAKE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
>> QUARANTINE-WHILE!
>> Stephen: QUARANTINE-WHILE, YESTERDAY, MYANMAR WAS HIT WITH
A MILITARY COUP.
I KNOW, NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT THAT, RIGHT?
WRONG.
BECAUSE A P.E. TEACHER STREAMED A WORKOUT VIDEO IN HER USUAL
SPOT ON THE MAIN ROAD OF THE CAPITAL AS THE COUP GOT
UNDERWAY RIGHT BEHIND HER.
THIS IS REAL, ACTUAL VIDEO THAT WE HAVE NOT TAMPERED WITH IN ANY
WAY: ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪ MAN, YOU THINK YOUR PELOTON
COACH IS INTENSE.
THAT IS A VERY DEDICATED AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR.
"AND FOUR AND THREE AND OCCUPY THE PARLIAMENT!
I SEE YOU SLACKING, CINDY!
THIS GOVERNMENT ISN'T GOING TO OVERTHROW ITSELF, OKAY?
YOU GOT TO WANT IT!" I COULD WATCH THAT ALL DAY.
COULD WE WATCH IT AGAIN?
JIM, PLAY IT AGAIN.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
QUARANTINE WHILE, UP TO 100 PEOPLE WHO TOOK PART IN AN
ILLEGAL ORANGEY IN FRANCE HAVE BEEN SLAPPED BY FINDS.
SAID ONE PARTICIPANT, "OKAY BY ME DEPENDING ON WHERE YOU'RE
SLAPPING.
THE MAIN REASON TO SHUT IT DOWN IS IT TOOK PLACE BETWEEN
P.M.
AND 6:00 A.M., AND, ACCORDING TO AN INVESTIGATOR, "THE EVENT WAS
IN BREACH OF THE CURFEW... AND THERE WERE ALSO PROBLEMS WITH
MASKS AND SOCIAL DISTANCING."
WELL... YEAH.
IF YOU'RE ABLE TO ENGAGE IN AN ORGY FROM MORE THAN SIX FEET
AWAY, CONGRATULATIONS!
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IT'S BEEN LESS THAN A WEEK, AND ALREADY RIVAL
MOVIES ABOUT THE GAMESTOP STOCK MARKET EVENTS ARE BEING RUSHED
INTO PRODUCTION.
OOH!
THE MINUTE WE FIND OUT WHICH ONE HOLLYWOOD THINKS IS MOST LIKELY
TO SUCCEED, LET'S ALL BUY TICKETS TO THE OTHER ONE.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IF YOU HAD TO POSTPONE YOUR WEDDING DUE TO
COVID, SORRY ABOUT THAT, BUT THIS STORY'S FOR YOU, BECAUSE
THIS VALENTINE'S DAY, YOU CAN GET MARRIED AT A DUNKIN'
DRIVE-THROUGH.
PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO'S EVER THOUGHT, "MY WEDDING JUST WON'T
BE COMPLETE WITHOUT AN OFF-DUTY CONSTRUCTION CREW YELLING AT ME
TO HURRY THE HELL UP."
AND DON'T FORGET THEIR MOTTO ON YOUR WEDDING NIGHT: "AMERICA
HUMPS ON DUNKIN'."
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ZENDAYA.
( HUMMING )