>> Stephen: WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO A LATE SHOW AND
PUPPET THEATER.
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT, THAT WILL MAKE SENSE LATER.
NOW I HOPE YOU ALL HAD A GOOD WEEKEND, NOT THAT I AM CONCEDING
THAT THERE WAS A WEEKEND, THAT IS FOR THE COURTS TO DECIDE,
THE CORONAVIRUS CONTINUES TO SURGE ACROSS THE COUNTRY, AND
I'LL TELL YOU THE LATEST IN MY VIRAL SEGMENTS:
CATCH A THIRD WAVE: ENDLESS BUMMER.
>> HOT BLOODED, CHECK IT AND SEE.
YOU'LL HAVE A FEVER OF A 103!
HAHA, YEAH!
>> Stephen: GET OUT, GET OUT.
>> Stephen: THE BAD IS GETTING WORSE.
THIS WEEK ALONE, THE U.S. ADDED ONE MILLION NEW CORONAVIRUS
CASES.
BUT TOP MAGA SCIENTISTS HAVE A SOLUTION:
>> STOP THE COUNT!
STOP THE COUNT!
>> Stephen: AND THE WORST PART IS, THIS MIGHT NOT BE THE WORST,
BECAUSE THE HOLIDAYS ARE APPROACHING.
AS ONE HOSPITAL DIRECTOR WARNED: CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR'S EVE
PARTIES COULD LEAD TO A "GIANT, INTERGENERATIONAL CLUSTER."
NORMALLY IF YOU WANT TO SEE A GIANT INTERGENERATIONAL CLUSTER,
YOU HAVE TO ASK SANTA FOR PORNHUB PREMIUM.
SO I'VE HEARD.
LOCAL OFFICIALS ARE SCRAMBLING TO STOP THE SPREAD.
LOS ANGELES MAYOR ERIC GARCETTI ISSUED A STATEMENT, TELLING
CITIZENS, "CANCEL THOSE VACATION PLANS RIGHT NOW.
DO NOT SNEAK IN OTHER HOUSEHOLDS FOR THANKSGIVING."
I'M GONNA GO AHEAD AND SAY THAT SECOND THING IS JUST GOOD ADVICE
UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.
THERE'S A REASON YOU DON'T HEAR THIS AROUND THE HOLIDAY TABLE;
"OH, MY TURN?
UH, I GUESS I'M THANKFUL THAT YOU LEFT THE BASEMENT DOOR
UNLOCKED."
THANKFULLY, THERE'S ADVICE FROM PEOPLE WHO KNOW STUFF.
FOR INSTANCE, THE C.D.C. IS SUGGESTING AMERICANS HAVE
THANKSGIVING OUTSIDE.
OKAY, LATE NOVEMBER COULD GET LITTLE NIPPY.
SO INSTEAD OF A TURKEY I RECOMMEND SERVING EACH GUEST TWO
CORNISH GAME HENS, ONE FOR EACH HAND.
NOW ONCE YOU ARE OUTSIDE, THE CDC HAS PLENTY OF ADDITIONAL
SAFETY RECOMMENDATIONS SUCH AS USE DISPOSABLE ITEMS.
LIKE UTENSILS.
I'M SORRY, WHY?
DO OTHER PEOPLE SHARE THEIR SILVERWARE AT THANKSGIVING.
NANA COULD YOU PASS THE PEAS, ALSO YOUR FORK, THESE CARROTS
AREN'T THE SAME WITHOUT THE SWEET ZING OF FIXODENT.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT AT ALL.
I DON'T.
CDC ALSO RECOMMENDS BRING YOUR OWN FOOD.
SO JUST TELL YOUR AUNT YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY OF HER HOT FRUIT
CASSEROLE THIS YEAR BECAUSE IT IS DR. FAUCI'S ORDERS, NO OTHER
REASON, I LOVE HOT FRUIT.
THEY ALSO ADVISE USING SINGLE USE OPTIONS LIKE SALAD DRESSINGS
AND CONDIMENT PACKETS.
I KNEW TRA DREW I KNEW THAT DRAWER OF CONDIMENT
PACKETS WOULD COME IN HANDY.
"UNCLE CARL, HERE'S YOUR MASHED POTATOES AND A PACKET OF
TERIYAKI SAUCE FROM 1997.
IT'S GOT A PICTURE OF FRASIER ON IT.
REMEMBER FRASIER DAYS AT PANDA EXPRESS?"
SO, HOW DID THINGS GET SO BAD WITH COVID?
WELL, FOR STARTERS, THERE'S A COMPLETE VACUUM OF LEADERSHIP,
AND NOT JUST BECAUSE THE PRESIDENT SUCKS.
IT TURNS OUT HE HAS NOT ATTENDED A CORONAVIRUS TASKFORCE MEETING
IN "AT LEAST FIVE MONTHS."
OKAY, S IT'S NOVEMBER 16, FIVE MONTHS AGO WAS JUNE 16.
I'M SORRY, WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THE OP-ED THAT THE HEAD OF THE
CORONAVIRUS TASK FORCE MIKE PENCE WROTE IN "THE WALL STREET
JOURNAL?" "THERE ISN'T A CORONAVIRUS
SECOND WAVE."
NO, JUST ONE GIANT TSUNAMI OF CRIMINAL STUPIDITY.
DR. FAUCI TRIED TO EXPLAIN THAT DR. FAUCI, EXCUSE ME, OH, THAT
JOKE BACKED UP ON ME.
DR. FAUCI TRIED TO EXPLAIN THAT THE PRESIDENT IS STILL GETTING
VITAL INFORMATION, KIND OF SORT OF.
>> WHEN WE HAVE A TASK >> WHEN WE HAVE OUR TASKFORCE
MEETING, IT'S RUN, AS YOU KNOW, BY VICE PRESIDENT PENCE.
AND THE VICE PRESIDENT THEN TRANSLATES THAT TO THE PRESIDENT
HIMSELF.
>> Stephen: GOD, I WOULD LOVE TO BE A FLY ON THE WALL, OR ON THE
PENCE, WHEN HE TRIED TO TRANSLATE THIS INFORMATION.
(AS PENCE)
BADNEWS BURGER.
HE HAS SOME INFORMATION TO SHARE WITH YOU."
(SILLY VOICE)
HUH-OH-OH!" I'M DELICIOUS.
>> Stephen: WE MIGHT NEED THIS AGAIN.
THAT WAS THE TOUGHEST PART.
THANKFULLY THERE IS SOME GOOD COVID NEWS.
THIS MORE-MING, PHARMACEUTICAL GIANT MODERNA ANNOUNCED THAT
ACCORDING TO PRELIMINARY RESULTS THEIR CORONAVIRUS VACCINE IS
94.5 PERCENT EFFECTIVE.
THE GOOD NEWS IS THERE ARE AT LEAST TWO COVID VACCINES ON THE
HORIZON.
THE BAD NEWS IS THE PRESIDENT MAY NOT LET EVERY AMERICAN HAVE
THEM.
HERE IS WHAT HE SAID ON FRIDAY.
>> AS SOON AS APRIL THE >> AS SOON AS APRIL, THE
VACCINE WILL BE AVAILABLE TO THE ENTIRE GENERAL POPULATION, WITH
THE EXCEPTION OF PLACES LIKE NEW YORK STATE.
>> Stephen: SO YOU'LL HAVE TO GET THE VACCINE IN NEW JERSEY,
BUT JUST PICK IT UP ON YOUR WAY BACK FROM GETTING YOUR NEW LEGAL
WEED, WHICH PRELIMINARY TESTS SHOW IS 94.5% DANK.
SO THE PRESIDENT IS THREATENING TO WITHHOLD A LIFE-SAVING
VACCINE FROM HIS HOME STATE, BUT DON'T WORRY, HE HAS A GOOD
REASON: GOVERNOR CUOMO HURT HIS FEELINGS.
>> FOR POLITICAL REASONS, THE GOVERNOR DECIDED, THEY SAY-━
AND, YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK IT'S GOOD, POLITICALLY; I THINK
IT'S VERY BAD FROM A HEALTH STANDPOINT-━ BUT HE WANTS TO
TAKE HIS TIME WITH THE VACCINE.
HE DOESN'T TRUST WHERE THE VACCINE IS COMING FROM.
>> Stephen: WHAT THE GOVERNOR ACTUALLY SAID IS THAT NEW YORK,
LIKE CALIFORNIA, NEVADA, OREGON, AND WASHINGTON, WANTS TO VERIFY
THE FINDINGS.
FOR SOME REASON, CUOMO DOESN'T AUTOMATICALLY TRUST THE GUY WHO
TOLD US TO DRINK BLEACH AND JAM SUNSHINE UP OUR BUTTS.
SPEAKING OF WHICH, IT'S BEEN ALMOST TWO WEEKS SINCE THE
ELECTION, AND THE PRESIDENT STILL CAN'T FACE THAT HE LOST.
AND I'LL GIVE YOU THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF OUR SEGMENT
THAT JUST WON'T LEAVE: >> YOU VOTED FOR ME!
YOU VOTED FOR ME!
>> "THE ROAD FROM THE WHITE HOUSE."
>> YOU VOTED FOR ME!
>> Stephen: WELL, IN A STUNNING RESULT THE PEACH STATE
GEORGIA HAS FINALLY BEEN CALLED MACKING THE ULTIMATE TALLY IN
THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE BIDEN WINNING WITH 306 TO 2326789
COINCIDENTALLY, THE EXACT SAME NUMBER OF ELECTORAL VOTES AS
20167.
SO, HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE THAT FINAL RESULT?
>> WE WON BY A LANDSLIDE.
A LANDSLIDE.
A TREMENDOUS LANDSLIDE.
>> Stephen: ♪ AND THE LANDSLIDE BROUGHT YOU DOWN ♪
(
RIGHT UP THERE -- WITHOUT IS THE GUITAR CHRISTIE McVEE.
>> SORRY LINDS SEE BUCKINGHAM I HAD SOMETHING W IT WAS VERY
DARK, IT WAS VERY DARK, ALL I KNOW IS MUK FLEETWOOD CAN KEEP
TIME, MAN.
BIDEN, BIDEN FLIPPED FIVE STARTS, GEORGIA, ORAZIETTI
ARIZONA, MICHIGAN, PENNSYLVANIA AND WISCONSIN, JOE FLIPPED
STATES IN THE SUN BELT AND THE RUST BELT.
I GUESS THERE IS NOTHING SUBURBAN WOMEN LIKE MORE THAN A
REVERSIBLE BELT.
FACED WITH THE OVERWHELMING WHAT T
FACED WITH THE OVERWHELMING "WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED,"
YESTERDAY, THE NOW LAME-DUCK PRESIDENT QUACKED, OF JOE BIDEN,
"HE WON BECAUSE THE ELECTION WAS RIGGED."
YOU HAD ME AT "HE WON."
THE REST OF IT I JUST KIND OF GOT ALL WARM AND DREAMY FOR.
BUT THEN, THE DENIER-IN-CHIEF DECLARED BACKSIES, TWEETING,
"I WON THE ELECTION!" THAT IS THE DIGITAL EQUIVALENT
OF WAKING UP TO FIND GRANDPA SCREAMING ON THE LAWN.
SCREAMING ON THE LAWN IN HIS UNDERWEAR.
YOU CAN'T GIVE A STANDARD MENTAL COGNITION TEST BECAUSE THE FIRST
QUESTION IS WHO IS THE PRESIDENT.
NOW REGARDLESS OF WHAT THE SOON TO BE NOT PRESIDENT TWEETS, THE
ELECTION IS OVER AND THERE SHOULD BE NO DOUBT ABOUT THE
SECURITY AND FAIRNESS OF THE VOTING IN FACT FEDERAL AND STATE
GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS ISSUED A JOINT STATEMENT THURSDAY SAYING
THAT THIS YEAR'S ELECTION WAS THE MOST SECURE IN AMERICAN
HISTORY.
KIND OF IRONIC KIND OF IRONIC, SINCE IT
DEFEATED THE MOST INSECURE PRESIDENT IN AMERICAN HISTORY.
BUT ONE MEMBER OF THE ADMINISTRATION IS COMING TO
THEIR SENSES: NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER AND ANDERSON STUPOR,
ROBERT O'BRIEN.
TODAY, O'BRIEN DARED TO SAY THIS ABOUT A POSSIBLE TRANSITION TO A
BIDEN ADMINISTRATION.
>> WE MAY HAVE POLICY DISAGREEMENTS, BUT, LOOK, IF
THE BIDEN-HARRIS TICKET IS DETERMINED TO BE THE WINNER AND
IT'S-━ OBVIOUSLY THINGS LOOK THAT WAY NOW-━ WE'LL HAVE A VERY
PROFESSIONAL TRANSITION FROM THE NATIONAL SECURITY COUNCIL,
THERE'S NO QUESTION ABOUT IT.
>> Stephen: NO SURPRISE THAT O'BRIEN IS STARTING TO EASE THE
BIG MAN OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE.
BEFORE SERVING AS NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER, HE WAS
SPECIAL PRESIDENTIAL ENVOY FOR HOSTAGE AFFAIRS.
SO WE KNOW HOW THIS IS GOING TO END.
"SIR, LEAVE THE BUILDING NOW, AND WE WILL FULFILL YOUR LIST OF
DEMANDS: LEGAL IMMUNITY, A HIGHLY INACCURATE BATHROOM
SCALE, A BOTTOMLESS BUCKET OF K.F.C., YOU GET TO MEET THE
COLONEL, A LETTER FROM YOUR DAD SAYING THAT HE LOVES YOU, A
LETTER FROM THE COLONEL SAYING THAT HE LOVES YOU, AND A SECOND
BOTTOMLESS BUCKET OF K.F.C., AND A SECOND EVEN FALLER
SKYSCRAPER IN NEW YORK WITH YOUR NAME ON IT THAT ALSO, IF I AM
READING THIS RIGHT, HAS-- HAS-- -- THINK ABOUT THIS,
MEANWHILE INSTEAD OF ARGUING WITH A TOLDER, BIDEN IS CALMLY
PREPARING TO TAKE THE REIGNS OF THE GOVERNMENT, UNFORTUNATELY
THE GOVERNMENT HASN'T BEEN COMPANY RATING HE HAD HAS BEEN
DENIED OFFICE SPACE AND DIN-- WOMAN EXPLAINING WHY SHE
WILL CALL THE COPS ON THIS COOKOUTK EMILY MURPHY.
MURPHY WAS INSTALLED BY THE RESIDENT IN 2017 AND HAS
REMAINED A LOYALIST.
EVEN THOUGH BIDEN HAS AN INSURMOUNTABLE LEAD MURPHY HAS
SO FAR REFUSED TO CERTIFIED BIDEN AS THE ELECTIONS WINNER AS
THE PRESIDENT ATTEMPTS TO OVERTURN THE ELECTION RESULTS IN
COURT.
THAT COULTER THAT COURT CASE IS, OF COURSE,
SNOWBALL'S CHANCE V. HELL.
BUT MURPHY DOESN'T SEEM TO THINK THIS ADMINISTRATION WILL LAST
MUCH LONGER, BECAUSE A NEW REPORT SAYS THAT SHE RECENTLY
SENT A MESSAGE TO AN ASSOCIATE INQUIRING ABOUT EMPLOYMENT
OPPORTUNITIES IN 2021.
THIS IS SO UNFAIR!
SHE WON'T LET AMERICA MOVE ON, BUT SHE'S SEARCHING FOR THE NEXT
JOB?
WELL, SHE SHOULD FIND SOMETHING SUITABLE ON EnableAMonster.com.
THIS WEEKEND THERE WAS SOMETHING CALLED THE "MILLION MAGA MARCH,"
A PROTEST IN SUPPORT OF THE PRESIDENT'S FALSE CLAIM THAT HE
WAS CHEATED OUT OF AN ELECTION WIN.
NOW, THE THING ABOUT THE MILLION MAGA MARCH: IT WASN'T QUITE A
MILLION.
INSTEAD, ATTENDEES NUMBERED SOMEWHERE IN THE TENS OF
THOUSANDS RANGE.
10,000, A MILLION, THAT'S JUST HOW THEY COUNT.
YOU ROUND UP FOR MARCHES, ROUND DOWN FOR COVID DEATHS.
IT'S ALL IN THEIR TEXT BOOK, "BASIC ARITH-MAGA."
ONE PERSON CLEARLY NOT IN THE POCKET OF BIG REALITY: WHITE
HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY AND THIRD SISTER FROM "FROZEN" WHO
ACTUALLY WANTED THE TOWN TO DIE, KAYLEIGH McENANY.
McENANY TWEETED, "MORE THAN ONE MILLION MARCHERS FOR PRESIDENT
DESCEND ON THE SWAMP IN SUPPORT."
SO THE ADMINISTRATION ENDS AS IT BEGAN, LYING ABOUT CROWD SIZE.
THEY'VE COME FULL CIRCLE.
THAT'S JUST BASIC GEOM-MAGA.
OF COURSE, THEY HAVE THE RIGHT TO MARCH.
AND IT'S UNDERSTANDABLE TO WANT TO HAVE ONE LAST MAGA.
NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, IT'S NO FUN TO LOSE.
AND IF YOU'RE HAVING TROUBLE HANGING UP YOUR MAGA HAT, HERE
ARE SOME TIPS THAT MIGHT HELP YOU COPE WITH YOUR LOSS, FROM
PEOPLE WHO KNOW HOW IT FEELS: >> AND NOW A MESSAGE TO DONALD
TRUMP VOTERS FROM HILL RAE CLINTON VOTERS.
SO YOUR CANDIDATE LOST.
SORRY.
WE KNOW IT FEELS TERRIBLE.
WE HAVE BEEN THERE.
BUT YOU HAVE GOT TO MOVE ON.
SO HOWEVER YOU'RE FEELING, HERE ARE SOME COPING TIPS THAT HELPED
US GET THROUGH THE LAST FOUR YEARS.
YOU HAVE GOT TO FEEL YOUR FEELINGS.
WE KNOW IT IS EMBARRASSING.
SO FIND A SAFE SPACE LIKE MAYBE A BUFFALO WILD WINGS.
PRACTICE SELF-CARE.
TAKE A BUBBLE BATH.
MAYBE CRY WHILE YOU LISTEN TO WHATEVER PANDORA PLAYS WHEN YOU
SEARCH ACOUSTIC SAD.
♪ I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL.
♪.
>> PRACTICE DIRECT ACTION.
CONTACT YOUR GOVERNMENT REPRESENTATIVES.
FOR BEST RESULTS DON'T THREATEN TO KIDNAP THEM.
STILL CRUSHED?
THEN IT'S TIME TO BREAK OUT YOUR BLENDER.
WE RECOMMEND A BOTTLE OF BOURBON AND PINT OF FUDGE BROWNIE ICE
CREAM TO MAKE WHAT WE CALL BREAKFAST.
OR IF YOU ARE FEELING REALLY OVERWHELMED, JUST TWEET ANY
VAGUE STATEMENT OF HOPE FOLLOWED BY THE HASHTAG RESISTANCE.
WE WON'T BE NEEDING IT ANY MORE, SNOWFLAKE.
BY THE WAY, SNOWFLAKES ARE BEAUTIFUL AND UNIQUE.
NOT SURE HOW IT GOT TURNED INTO AN INSULT.
WE DON'T MEAN IT THAT WAY.
SO CHIB UP.
WE'LL SIGH YOU IN FOUR YEARS.
IN THE MEAN TIME, YOU CAN STILL DRINK FROM YOUR LIBERAL TEARS
MUG.
JUST REMEMBER NOW THEY'RE TEARS OF JOY.
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS JAKE TAPPER.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT A COUNTRY THAT IS ALMOST
AS BAD AT HANDLING COVID AS WE ARE.
STUCK AROUND.