( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
CHEERS, CHEERS.
HERE'S TO YOU.
ALEC, OBVIOUSLY, IT'S BEEN GREAT HAVING YOU HERE.
I'M LOVING THE BOOK, WHICH I'M GOING TO READ AGAIN.
( LAUGHTER ) "NEVERTHELESS," TRULY A
FANTASTIC BOOK.
AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, YOU'RE JUST ONE OF MY FAVORITE ACTORS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> I FEEL-- YOU KNOW WHAT'S
FUNNY.
I FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT YOU, STEPHEN?
>> Stephen: REALLY, YOU REALLY FEEL THAT WAY?
>> EVEN IF I DIDN'T, YOU'D NEVER BE ABLE TO TELL.
THAT'S HOW GREAT AN ACTOR I AM.
>> Stephen: BRAVO, BRAVO.
WE DO HAVE TO GO.
IT'S TOO BAD WE ONLY HAD TIME FOR AN INTERVIEW.
I'D LOVE TO ACT AT YOU SOMETIMES.
>> ACT AT ME.
>> Stephen: YEAH, THAT'S HOW HARD I ACT.
YEAH, YEAH.
>> WHY NOT RIGHT NOW?
Q. NOW?>> THIS IS A BROADWAY STA >> Stephen: IT IS A BROADWAY
STAGE.
THANK YOU FOR INSISTING BUT I DON'T THINK WE HAVE TIME TO PUT
ON A WHOLE PLAY.
>> BUT WE COULD DO THE FINAL CLIMACTIC SCENE FROM A
NEVER-BEFORE-SEEN STAGE DRAMA.
>> Stephen: AND TO MAKE SURE THAT IT MAKES SENSE TO THE
AUDIENCE, WE CAN CRAM ALL THE CHARACTERS' BACKSTORY INTO THE
DIALOGUE.
>> LET'S DO IT!
>> Stephen: OKAY!
IT'S TIME FOR THE LATE SHOW'S "TOO MUCH EXPOSITION THEATRE."
♪ ♪ ♪ >> THE LATE SHOW PRESENTS, TOO
MUCH EXPOSITION THEATRE.
>> Stephen: HOW ENCHANTING IT IS TO BE HERE ALONE IN MY
SOLITUDE IN THE FIEFDOM OF MY MAD UNCLE WHO DIED SUDDENLY OF
THE PLAGUE WHEN I PUSHED HIM FROM A WINDOW.
AND NOW I, BALTHASAR, HIS ONLY LIVING HEIR, STAND UNOPPOSED TO
INHERIT CASTLE LANCASTWINSHIRE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> GOOD AFTERNOON, MY LORD!
AND SINCE I AM TARDY-- GOOD MORNING.
>> Stephen: CAN IT REALLY BE YOU?
>> YES, IT IS I, YOUR COUSIN, MANVOLIO, SON OF YOUR MAD UNCLE,
THE DUKE OF LANCASTWINSHIRE, AND HIS RIGHTFUL HEIR.
I SEE YOU'RE FILLED WITH DISBELIEF, FOR YOU HAVE NOT
LAID EYES UPON ME SINCE WE WERE MERE BEARDLESS YOUTHS COMPETING
FOR THE AFFECTIONS OF THE FAIR LADY ELEANOR.
>> AH, FAIR ELEANOR.
>> Stephen: BUT, COUS, ME THOUGHT YOU DROWNED WHILST
LAWFULLY APPREHENDED TO A ONE-EYED SILVERSMITH WHO LOST
THE CROWN JEWELS OF THE EMPIRE IN A GAME OF "CHANCE" ON BOARD A
GALLEY OFF THE COAST OF SARDINIA!
>> NAY, COUS, FOR AT THE TIME I WENT OVERBOARD, THE VESSEL WAS
PASSING THE PORT TOWN OF CATANIA.
>> Stephen: CATANIA?
BETWEEN CALABRO AND POLICORO?
>> NO, NO.
LOOK AT THIS MAP.
YOU SEE, WE PASSED NORTH- NORTHEASTERLY PAST PALERMO.
>> Stephen: AH, YES, NEAR REGGIO, HOME OF COUSIN GIOVANNI.
>> NO, HERE.
LOOK AT THE FAMILY TREE.
YOU'RE THINKING OF RUGGIERIO, SON OF DRUNK UNCLE NENCIO.
>> Stephen: Uh...
>> LOCKED IN AN IRON MASK IN THE DEEPEST DUNGEON OF THE HIGHEST
TOWER OF THE FARTHEST KINGDOM?
>> Stephen: RIGHT, THE MASK GUY.
YEAH, YEAH.
>> EXACTLY.
AND NOW HERE I STAND, HAVING WASHED ASHORE ON AN ISLAND WHERE
MONKEYS ROAMED LIKE SHEEP AND RULED LIKE GODS.
AND ONLY BY DIGUISING MYSELF AS MY OWN SISTER WAS I ABLE TO
SEDUCE THE CAPTAIN OF A PASSING NAVAL FRIGATE TO SURPRISE YOU
HERE!
>> Stephen: OH, COUSIN, TIS NO SURPRISE, FOR, YOU SEE, SHORTLY
AFTER YOUR DISAPPEARANCE, I WAS TRAIPSING IN THE WOODS--
( LAUGHTER ) LOOKING FOR SWEET CRABAPPLE WHEN
I WAS SURROUNDED BY THREE WITCHES.
>> THE SEXY KIND?
>> Stephen: IS THERE ANY OTHER ( LAUGHTER )
AND THESE WISHES THREE THEY WARNED ME THAT ONE DAY
YOU'D RETURN TO CLAIM WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY YOURS.
BUT ALL YOU WILL CLAIM IS THIS DAGGER!
>> WOAH, WOAH, WOAH!
DAGGER?
DEAR COUSIN, YOU MISTAKE ME.
I HAVE NO INTEREST IN THE CASTLE.
I WAS JUST STOPPING BY TO PICK UP MY, AH, MY, AH, BASKETBALL
PUMP.
I LEFT IT HERE BEFORE THE WHOLE MONKEY ISLAND THING.
>> >> Stephen: BASKETBALL PUMP THAT'S WORRIES?
I WAS WONDERING WHO THIS BELONGED TO!
>> THANK YOU.
NOW BASKETBALL PUMP, DO YOUR ILL DEED!
>> Stephen: NO!
NO!
DON'T PUMP IT!
NO!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NO!
NO!
ALEC BALDWIN, EVERYBODY!
HIS BOOK "NEVERTHELESS" IS AVAILABLE NOW.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YES!