-Good afternoon.
At these coronavirus briefings,
we've been sticking to the facts.
But I'm also a human being with feelings,
and I'm getting pretty pissed off.
So I might take some liberties today,
and I apologize in advance.
Spring is here,
and my fellow Californians are champing at the bit
to get outside and enjoy this hella sweet Cali weather.
But we're asking you to continue social distancing.
Whenever possible, just stay home.
I know, major bummer.
We've even gone so far as to officially close
the beaches in Orange County.
So if you live there and you're mad about it, all I can say is,
"Welcome to the O.C., bitch."
We had a small number of protests this week
consisting of some real chowder heads
unhappy with their stay-at-home orders.
You may wonder how this kind of ignorance could be so prevalent
in a state as progressive as California.
But we're a big state -- A big state who not only elected,
but also re-elected presidential errand boy
and all around... Devin Nunes.
And, look, as a Gavin,
it pains me to take sides against a Devin.
The Gavins and Devins of the world are natural allies.
We're not supposed to be fighting.
We're supposed to be rolling up to the marina
in our matching Miatas
with sweaters tied around our necks
and sunglasses propped gently on our freshly frosted tips.
But alas...
Meanwhile, back in D.C.,
President Trump's daily briefings
have been an absolute dunce factory.
They say coronavirus particles can spread up to six feet,
but when the president talks,
his bullshit particles make it all the way to California.
Listen, we have difficult weeks and months ahead.
I implore you to continue social distancing,
wash your hands, wear a mask.
And please, don't drink any household disinfectants --
unless you're Devin Nunes, in which case,
the president said it was a good idea,
so maybe you should run along, be a good soldier,
and go mainline some Lysol.
Let me know how that goes, chief.
All right. Later, skaters.
Mah nà, mah nà.