I like to think that I work with honest people.
But we had an incident here recently.
Someone on my staff put a bottle of champagne
in the staff refrigerator and it was stolen by another employee.
Obviously, this concerned me because if there's
two things that I take seriously,
it's honesty and alcohol.
And I wanted to get to the bottom of this.
So I sent my writer Adam around the office to investigate.
And this is what happened.
There appears to be a thief on the loose at the Ellen
DeGeneres show.
On Friday, this note appeared in the staff kitchen.
It says, "dear champagne thief, I'm watching you."
And I'm going to find out who did it.
Troy, have a seat.
There's champagne missing from the staff refrigerator.
And you are my prime suspect.
I did not take champagne.
Look me in the eye and tell me you didn't take the champagne.
I swear to god I didn't take champagne.
Do you know why I would suspect that you took the champagne?
You take every free thing in this office.
That's true.
Where did you get this?
Free bin.
Where do you get this?
Free bin.
Where did you get--?
2013 free bin.
What's under your desk?
Your free stuff under there?
This is from the free bin.
What is that even about?
It's a cooking book.
You're never going to read that.
But I wouldn't take champagne from the fridge.
I think you would.
Look at it.
Wait, wait.
OK.
I got a Kit Kat house on Thursday.
Oh god, what's going on?
Do you know anything about the missing champagne
that was in the office?
That was my sign.
So this is your sign.
Actually, I made the sign.
So we saw this note.
Wait, let me hide this.
Yeah, try to make it look like you keep a clean office now
that you're on camera.
You wrote this note.
You spelled champagne right, and then you
[BLEEP]
up thief.
If you had to guess who in this office would take champagne,
who do you think it would be?
You.
I actually said I'm going to blame it on the writers.
Gil, did you take the champagne that
was in the kitchen on Friday?
No, I already have lots of alcohol here.
Why would I take that?
Is it true though that you write bits about alcohol on the show
just so you can get free bottles of alcohol to use for them?
That is partly true, yeah.
That's 100% true.
No, it's also to create content for the show.
And to create content for your belly.
Jason, did you steal the champagne?
No.
I trust him.
He's way too boring and uninteresting
to do something like this.
Did any of you guys take a bottle
of champagne out of the staff refrigerator on Friday?
I did not.
I'm a recovering alcoholic.
That's the perfect cover.
Ed?
I don't drink.
Mary, do you drink champagne?
Also a recovering alcoholic.
This is the kind of people that run our show here.
All recovering alcoholics.
I did not know about the champagne until that morning.
You knew about it the night before.
I sent the email.
So we caught him in a lie.
See?
Was it the leftover champion from my birthday?
Yes.
Oh my god.
Did you drink the leftover champagne
from your birthday thinking it belonged to you because it
was from your birthday?
No.
No, I did not.
And I don't drink on the job.
Do you believe him Carly?
I don't.
So you're being caught in lies left and right.
Do you want that bottle instead?
There you go.
Is this sparkling wine?
So here, we can replace your champagne at least.
Well, we got to check the worth of it
first because it might not--
Oh my gosh, you're so greedy.
Here's Dom Perignon.
That's good stuff.
Two wrongs make a right.
So we're just going to steal this.
And I think we fixed the situation.
So you guys can go have your champagne toast
with Dom Perignon.
No, this is not a good lesson.
Solved it.
[APPLAUSE]
Good job, Adam.
Do you think that we solved it?
It doesn't seem like we did.
Well, we re-gifted some champagne,
but I think I know who did it.
Let's say.
I think it was one of the PA's.
But I think the champagne had been in the refrigerator
for a long time before that.
And that's OK to steal if it's been in there for a long time?
Yeah.
Troy would say so.
OK.
Thanks for that Adam.
Good investigating.
Thank you.
All right, we'll be back.