- You listen to Biggie's "Juicy"?
It's like the greatest song of inspiration ever, you know?
It's weird though.
It's not the same song as when I heard it when I was,
like, 12, 'cause there's a line in there when he goes,
"Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis.
When I was dead broke, man, I couldn't picture this."
That's like $300 worth of merchandise.
It's not a lot of money, man.
I've been dead broke my whole life
and I've had a Sega Genesis. (audience laughs)
I didn't have a Super Nintendo, but I could picture it.
It wasn't like.
(audience cheers) (upbeat music)
I grew up in the projects,
and in the middle of our projects,
they built a homeless shelter.
And we used to tease the kids that lived in the shelter
'cause they was the only people we knew poorer than us.
And we thought somehow they were messing up
our property value by being homeless, I guess.
(audience laughs)
I had a friend that lived in the shelter
named Homeless Dave. (audience laughs)
We had another Dave, so. (audience laughs)
That's what happens if you grow up really poor
and you have a common name.
We pick the worst part of your life
and make it your new nickname.
Like I had a friend we used to call RoboCop for years
because he wore braces on his legs.
And he walked like RoboCop does.
It's messed up. What's his real name?
His real name was Crippled Greg, but we called him.
(audience laughs and applauds)
I don't know, I was in the hood recently,
and I walked into this bodega
and I heard this dude yell out,
"Nah, son, get the Fiji!
Evian is gross." (audience laughs)
I laughed for like three days after that.
That's how dope it is to be an American.
Our poor people have specific water tastes.
All our poor people got camera phones.
My nephew's got a camera phone.
He's 10 years old, which sucks for him,
because I can't imagine what it must be like for him
to go through a fifth grade math class
with a device in his pocket that could answer all
of life's questions
and show him pictures of titties in high definition.
You want this kid to pay attention in class, really?
He doesn't have attention deficit.
He's got titties in his pocket is what he's got.
(audience laughs)
That's why he can't focus, man.
That's too much technology for a kid, man.
The closest thing I had
to a camera phone when I was 10 was a calculator.
And I'd sit in the back of the classroom typing 80085.
(audience cheers)
'Cause I was creepy.
I don't have a degree.
I didn't even go to college.
And I'm glad I didn't because I do this,
so I don't have to go to college for this.
And all of my friends that went
to college are in crazy debt, like real debt.
I got a friend that's $80,000 in debt
with an English degree.
I learned English for free. (audience cheers)
It was the first thing I learned.
And I talk to this dude every day.
I understand everything he's saying.
He doesn't know a special kind of English.
He doesn't talk like the "Game of Thrones."
It's just regular English.
And you know what he does for a living?
Teaches English
'cause that's the only thing you can do
with an English degree.
It's a (beep) pyramid scheme.
I think love's overrated.
Like is better than love to me, man.
You know the difference between like and love? Obligation.
You like somebody,
you just like them until you don't like them no more.
And then you stop taking their calls.
You love someone, you obligated to that person forever, man.
Even after you don't like them anymore.
That's the problem with love.
There's no exit strategy out of it.
That's why if you watch the news,
you'll see people kill loved ones all the time.
Nobody ever kills people they like, though.
(audience laughs and applauds) Right?
Nobody's watching you sleep through your bedroom window
because you're pretty cool.
We treat kids weird, man.
Let kids be kids.
Like they were talking about kids are outta control
for sexting each other.
They're not outta control for sexting.
They just have the technology
to be as gross as we've always wished we were
when we were their,
what'd you think he was gonna take pictures of
with eight mega pixels of camera, sunsets?
No, he's 12.
He's gonna take pictures of his dick.
It's the most interesting thing he owns.
It's not his fault.
I'm sure there was people trying to sext
in the '70s and '80s in their bathrooms
with Polaroids and stamps. (audience laughs)
(mimics camera clicking) (audience laughs)
"Wait til Cheryl sees this shit in two
to three business days.
She's gonna love it." (laughs)
(audience cheers)
People in the '20s trying to sext each other.
Those cameras, like the box cameras with the,
with the black cloth. (mimics camera booming)
They posed for every picture like they was on "Money."
"All right, now watch the birdie."
(laughs)
It's the world's oldest sexting joke.
I do like doing comedy though, because I gotta pay taxes.
That's the worst part.
That's the worst part. You ever paid taxes?
I never paid taxes before.
It's an awful feeling.
I've had taxes taken, but I've never paid taxes.
And that's two totally different things.
When you have taxes taken, you get a job every week
and they just take the taxes out of your check.
They just take it. You don't get a choice.
They just take it and they keep taking it
til the end of the year where they're like,
"Hey, I think we might have took too much.
Here's $500 back.
Go by yourself, some sneakers or something."
And you're like, "Thanks, government.
We're going to Red Lobster tonight.
This is amazing. I love tax time."
When you pay taxes, it's totally different.
When you pay taxes, they let you keep all of your money
all year and then at the end they say, "You owe us 40%,"
which is a lot for me
because I don't know what I'm paying for.
I've never dialed 911.
I put out all my own fires. (audience laughs)
And I'm not saying I shouldn't have to pay any taxes,
but I shouldn't have to pay as much as somebody that votes
or actually . . .
I don't vote because I don't know anything about politics.
And honestly, I can't believe they would let me.
Isn't that an important job?
They'll just let me pick the president? Really?
I don't gotta take a test?
I don't need a license?
You need a license to shampoo dogs in this country.
(audience laughs)
But they'll let me pick the president?
That seems safe to you?
I don't know anything about politics.
I've tried. I watch the news.
Either I'm too stupid to understand the news
or I feel like they're always lying to us, right?
I was watching recently this lady
from the government gets on talking about the economy.
She's like, "We in a recession.
We owe China $11 trillion."
And I'm like, "We?
I don't owe China shit.
You owe China $11 trillion.
We owe Sprint $90.
(audience cheers)
You must have been roaming."
I like getting older. It's fun.
I enjoy everything now.
I enjoy sex now.
I enjoyed sex when I was 20,
but I only enjoyed it for like, five or six pumps.
And after that I was too busy trying to divide fractions
and remember scenes from "The Color Purple."
Every young dude in here has a trick to not finish fast.
It's not just me.
Women don't have a trick.
You finish whenever you want
and we don't make fun of you because we're nice people.
No woman in here who's about to (beep) early during sex
was like, "Oh shit, think of Danny Glover.
Think of Danny Glover."
That doesn't happen. (audience laughs)
There's books that teach women.
There's no books that teach younger men how
to enjoy sex better.
There's no "50 Shades of Dudes."
So I'm gonna write a book.
I'm gonna write a book teaching younger men
how to enjoy sex better.
It's gonna be two pages long.
And the first page is gonna say,
"If you feel like you gotta (beep) (beep)."
And the second page, (audience laughs)
and the second page is gonna be a bibliography.
That's all you need to know.
That's it, that's it.
You're laughing, I'm dead serious.
I wish I had that information when I was 20.
I used to hold out, I don't know why.
I never won nothing.
I almost bit my tongue off twice.
Now, 30, if I (beep) early, so be it.
Compliments to the chef. (audience cheers)
I don't even know why women would get mad.
I'm a guy, I'm supposed to (beep) fast anyway.
My is (beep) is made of people.
You ever try to stop a hundred thousand people
leaving a small area at the same time?
It's impossible. They got places to go.
I don't got riot gear.
Those are my children, what do you want me to do?
(upbeat music)