Hey guys, I’m Kya and Halloween is right around the corner,
Which means that Michael Myers is probably hitching a ride to Haddonfield as we speak.
John Carpenter’s seminal slasher has terrorized everyone from babysitters to Busta Rhymes,
And with another reboot on the horizon, you’d better learn how to survive the Shape.
Let’s take a look at how the big bad boogeyman has been beaten in the past,
And see if we can figure out
How to Kill Michael Myers.
In the first ‘Halloween,’ there’s no explanation behind Michael’s rampage,
Or why he’s so hard to put down.
Or how he nails a 200 pound man to a wall with just a butcher knife.
Babysitter Laurie Strode gets some good jabs in,
Including a knitting needle to the neck, a hanger to the eye, and knife to the gut.
But if you want to finish him off, you should seek
Psychiatric Help.
After Laurie rips Michael’s mask off,
his weirdly obsessed psychiatrist Dr. Loomis comes to the rescue.
He empties his revolver into the Shape and knocks him off a second floor balcony..
Today, you’d be damn foolish to expect a psycho killer to stay down after six measly bullets.
But in 1978, it was a huge shock when Loomis looks down to see that Michael’s body had disappeared.
And it set us up for another horror tradition:
Endless sequels!
Since ‘Halloween II’ takes place on the same night as the first movie,
Most of it’s set in the hospital where Laurie’s recuperating.
It’s also where we learn that she’s Michael’s sister.
That girl... That Strode girl... That's Michael Myers' sister.
She was born two years before he was comitted. Two years after, his parents died and she was adopted by the Strodes.
But before the family reunion, Michael has a little fun around Haddonfield Memorial,
He even boils up some fresh nurse for the occasion.
Yum!
Loomis is back to save the day again,
And this time he’s got
Bad Gas.
Loomis shoots Michael some more, but he doesn’t even pretend it’s enough to kill him.
Can’t say the same for this marshall.
Get away from him!
Laurie gets off a couple of rounds right through Michael’s eyes, but he still keeps coming.
Luckily, they’re in a surgery room surrounded by tanks of gas.
Loomis fills the room with ether, somehow avoiding a Pillsbury Dough Boy hallucination.
Uh... 'Scuse me, Mr. Burns?
Poppin' Fresh! You glutenous little doughboy!
It is nice and flammable though, and when he flicks his lighter they’re both incinerated in a massive explosion.
Or not.
Eventually...
Michael?
This actually was supposed to be the final appearance of Michael Myers,
Which is why the third movie is about an alcoholic doctor taking on an evil mask company.
But Michael would be back before long, because honestly,
You think a little fireball is gonna take out the damn boogeyman?
It didn’t even kill Dr. Loomis and he’s just an angry old bald guy.
But it did put Michael in a coma for a while.
In the meantime, Laurie gave birth to her daughter Jamie,
LOL... Jamie... Because the actress.
Then she died in an off-screen car crash because Jamie Lee Curtis had enough of this bullshit.
After ten years, Michael wakes up and ferociously pursues his new niece.
He even gets his hands on a shotgun at one point, which is a terrifying thought.
Who says guns don’t kill people?
If you’ve got enough of them, you might even be able to kill Michael.
As long as you can assemble a
Firing Squad.
Michael’s sure got a lot of bullets in him, huh?
I hope he never has to get an MRI.
Sir! Are you okay? I'm fine...
What? I can't see you, my eyes have been shot out with BULLETS!
After the State Police pump him full of lead,
Michael falls into an old mine shaft that collapses on top of him.
Then they chuck in some dynamite for good measure.
They should have thrown in the kitchen sink, too, because Myers survives and escapes into a river.
The fifth movie is often seen as one of the worst in the series.
Even that awesome pitchfork impalement isn’t enough to save it.
For one thing, it introduced all this ‘curse of Thorn’ crap that bogged everything down.
For another, the ending is weak as hell.
Dr. Loomis drops a metal net on him and shoots him with tranquilizers.
Then he bats him around with a wooden plank until the cops take him to jail,
Which promptly gets blown up by a spooky cult leader who helps him escape.
This cult shit seriously sucks so bad. It has no place in these, whatsoever, it's fine.
It all sucks, why can't you just kill people without cults and magic? Right? Like, just kill somebody!
And there’s only one man who can put a stop to it:
Paul Rudd.
He plays grown up Tommy Doyle, the little kid from the very first movie.
Michael chases him into a medical lab inside an insane asylum where the cult is using Michael’s DNA to grow evil babies.
This sounds batshit. Have I mentioned how bad this cult shit sucks?
Tommy injects Michael with some magic goo,
Whacks him in the head with a pipe a few times,
And… That’s it.
The last we see of Michael is a shot of his mask lying on the floor with Dr. Loomis screaming in the background.
The whole movie is a mess, and the alternate ending doesn’t help much.
‘Halloween: H20’ made the right move by disregarding every movie but the first two.
Jamie Lee Curtis returned, revealing that Laurie faked her death all those years ago.
Michael finds out, though, and slices and dices his way through the best cannon fodder 1998 had to offer.
Including LL Cool J, who somehow survives the night.
I think Michael Myer’s secret weakness is rappers from the ‘90s.
Instead of a firing squad, get a "squad" of '90s rappers.
The G-Unit! How to kill Michael Myers: G-Unit!
The president has like, a secret phone, "Michael Myers is on the loose again, we need to call in the G-Unit."
More on that later, but for now Laurie is able to stop Michael with a clean and simple Decapitation.
Laurie stabs the shit out of her bro, but she’s no fool.
She wants to make absolutely certain that the Shape is finished for good.
So she hijacks the coroner’s van and rams it into him at full speed.
Then, when he’s pinned against a tree, she slices his head off with one swing of an axe.
It’s a badass ending, and I kind of wish the series finished here.
But I’ll give them credit: The way they get Michael out of this one is pretty clever.
Turns out, Michael swapped clothes with one of the paramedics before he lost his head.
Laurie has a breakdown once she realizes she decapitated an innocent man,
Which gives Michael the opportunity to finish her once and for all.
With baby sister gone, Myers tries his hand at reality TV
where the legendary killer suffers his greatest defeat at the hands of
Busta Rhymes.
Seriously, Busta actually bosses Michael Freakin’ Myers around,
Huh? You don't get it? Go do your job!
And he holds his own in a fight, too.
He also jams an electrical wire in Michael’s crotch and roasts him alive.
Michael wakes up in the morgue, but as far as the original series goes, he’s been MIA ever since.
Maybe he’s just deeply embarrassed by the fact that Busta Rhymes kicked his ass.
Trick or treat, Mister Falcon!
So here’s the part on ‘How to Kill’ where we shit on the inevitable reboot,
But Rob Zombie’s 2007 ‘Halloween’ remake wasn’t actually that bad.
I’ll give him credit for bringing his own unique vision to the franchise.
So let’s see what it takes to bring down the bigger, badder Michael Myers.
The first remake follows the original ending pretty closely.
Loomis shoots Michael, then Laurie and her brother tumble off a balcony.
But this babysitter isn’t taking any chances.
She points the gun at his face and
Boom! Headshot.
The second Zombie Halloween is a little more off-the-rails, but it’s still interesting.
Michael wakes up in an ambulance, again,
And we learn that he’s seeing visions of his dead mother commanding him to kill.
It’s still better than a dumb cult.
At the end, Mikey gets shot some more and falls onto some spiky farm equipment.
Then Laurie finishes the job with a bit of the old
stabby stabby.
She buries Michael’s trademark knife right in his skull.
And that’s it for the Zombieverse.
Michael Myers will return next year, in a new reboot that’s a direct sequel to the first ‘Halloween.’
Will it breath new life into the franchise?
Who knows?
But I’ll tell you one thing:
It’s hard to keep a good boogeyman down.