[Chairman (O.S.)]: The chair recognizes Councilman Jachenhoff, sponsor of the proposal, who will
speak in support of the proposal.
Councilman.
Thank you, Mr. Chairman.
Fellow council members.
Fellow citizens.
What does “America” mean to you?
When I say that word, what other words come into your mind?
I’ll tell you a few that come into my mind: Strength.
Perseverance.
Greatness.
Strength.
Not just military strength, although we’ve got that.
Not just economic strength, although we’ve got that.
Strength of character.
The wisdom and the will to do what is right.
Perseverance.
Determination.
The commitment to see things through to the end, to finish what we start.
Greatness.
Greatness rooted in a proud history.
For we are a proud people, all of us, regardless of race, color or creed.
But part of that greatness, as our history has shown us, is being able to set aside that
pride from time to time, so we can correct our mistakes.
Because lord knows we’ve made a few.
Prohibition.
Slavery.
And so on.
. . .
DDT.
Did you know DDT was almost responsible for the extinction of our majestic national bird,
the bald eagle?
Some folks think banning DDT was an act of environmentalist hysteria — well, you just
ask a bald eagle about that.
But we corrected those mistakes.
And I am addressing you tonight to urge my fellow members of the city council to correct
another such mistake, and establish a new national anthem, because the one we’ve got
is not fit for a nation of strength, perseverance, and greatness.
Now, let me cut off the number one objection right up front, because I’ve been hearing
about this all month — yes, I know our city council does not have the authority to change
the national anthem for the entire country.
I am no fool, and I will have words with anyone who says otherwise.
I’ve known how our government works since I was a sophomore in junior college.
I know all about the three branches of government: executive, Senate, House of Representatives,
judicial.
I understand perfectly.
But I also understand the power of making a statement.
We may not have the power to change the national anthem for the entire country, but we can
pass this proposal to recognize a new national anthem within our jurisdiction.
That will have great symbolic value and could inspire — and I believe will inspire — other
governmental bodies across the country to follow our example.
And that’s how it’s gonna work: we lead, they follow.
I don’t know how you feel about that, but I’m okay with it.
Why should we change the national anthem?
Because as I said, the current national anthem is unfit!
Lemme give you a few reasons why.
First and foremost, it’s about the War of 1812, which was barely a war.
Specifically, it’s about the Battle of Baltimore.
You know how many Americans were killed in the Battle of Baltimore?
Twenty eight.
How many British?
Forty-six.
Come on.
What’s the most famous battle of the War of 1812?
The Battle of New Orleans.
And you know why it’s the most famous?
Because in the fifties Johnny Horton made a song of it: “In 1814 we took a little
trip / Along with Colonel Jackson down the mighty Mississip’ / We took a little bacon
and we took a little beans / And we caught the bloody British in the town of New Orleans.”
Interesting historical fact about that battle: it happened after the treaty was signed.
The war was over.
The most famous battle of the war happened after the war.
And how many were killed?
Thirteen on the American side, less than three hundred on the British side — you call that
a battle?!
Would we even still be talking about Gettysburg if only three hundred and thirteen people
had died?
You think the president would have gone all the way up there to give a speech?
Back then, when they didn’t even have cars?
How many dead on both sides, total, for the entire War of 1812: about thirty-five thousand.
In two and a half years!
You call that a war?!
That’s the war our national anthem is about?
That’s not even a real war, not like the other wars, not like World War Two.
Why not make it “The Ballad of Ira Hayes”?
That’s not my proposal, but it’d be better than what we’ve got!
“There they battled up Iwo Jima hill / Two hundred and fifty men / But only twenty-seven
lived / To walk back down again / And when the fight was over / And Old Glory raised
/ Among the men who held it high / Was the Indian, Ira Hayes!”
The American Indian, another proud part of our history.
We were too hard on them, I feel, in certain respects.
I would also like to inform you, if you didn’t know already, that only the words of our current
national anthem are even about the War of 1812!
The music is borrowed from a British song!
Which is unamerican.
And, that song was a pub song — pubs are what they call bars over there.
A song to be sung while drinking alcohol, which is an act of low moral character.
I’m not saying we should have outlawed it.
But I have my opinion.
Therefore, it is for all these reasons that I believe our current national anthem is unsuitable
to a nation of strength, perseverance, and greatness — and furthermore, that I propose
we, for all official purposes pertaining to this city council, remove “The Star Spangled
Banner” as our national anthem and replace it with the song “Pressure” by Billy Joel.
Let me tell you a few things about this man.
William Martin Joel.
Born May 9, 1949.
Father was an immigrant.
Mother was the daughter of immigrants.
Grew up on Long Island in the town of Oyster Bay.
Parents divorced when he was eight years old.
Father moved back to the old country.
Took piano lessons.
Played piano in high school to help support his family.
Pulled himself up out of the mud and the grease of the working class.
Strength.
Didn’t graduate from high school because he had a gig the night before an exam, missed
the exam.
Made up the exam twenty-five years later and was awarded his high school diploma in 1992.
Perseverance.
Became one of the defining musicians of his generation.
How good of a piano player is he?
They call him the piano man.
That means he is synonymous with that particular instrument.
Five Grammy Awards.
Member of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Hollywood Walk of Fame.
Madison Square Garden Walk of Fame.
Just completed a ten-year residency at Madison Square Garden.
Greatness.
Received the Kennedy Center Honor.
Forgot to mention that one.
Let me tell you about this song.
“Pressure.”
It comes from the album The Nylon Curtain, considered by many, including the man himself,
to be Billy Joel’s finest album.
Released as a single in September 1982.
Went to number twenty on the Billboard Hot 100.
I know twenty doesn’t sound that impressive, but remember that’s out of a hundred.
“You have to learn to pace yourself / Pressure / You're just like everybody else / Pressure”
— Realism.
Humility.
Signs of strength.
“You've only had to run so far / So good / But you will come to a place / Where the
only thing you feel / Are loaded guns in your face / And you'll have to deal with / Pressure”
— Sounds like perseverance to me.
I’m not gonna go through the whole song, but there are a few more lyrics I think you
could stand to hear.
This next one goes out to several of you in particular: “You used to call me paranoid
/ Pressure / But even you can not avoid / Pressure” — Some of you have called me paranoid to
my face because I accused you of mocking me behind my back, even though I know for a fact
that ever since I was elected you all have been making fun of my name.
And hey, I get it — you don’t like saying it, because it sounds funny.
“Councilman Ben” — it almost rhymes, but it doesn’t.
It’s not like I don’t hear it myself, okay?
I do.
But just . . . be enough of an adult to admit that’s what you’re doing.
That’s all I ask.
And, if not, Billy Joel’s got a message for you in the rest of that verse: “You
turned the tap dance into your crusade / Now here you are with your faith / And your Peter
Pan advice / You have no scars on your face / And you cannot handle pressure” — You
don’t know what I’ve been through in my life.
You don’t know what anyone’s been through, unless you’ve walked in their shoes, you’ve
been through it with them.
That’s called empathy.
That’s a sign of strength, too.
“All grown up and no place to go / Psych 1, Psych 2 / What do you know?”
— There’s that humility again.
A lot of this falls under “strength.”
“All your life is Channel 13 / Sesame Street / What does it mean?”
— I always preferred Mr. Rogers, myself.
Too many characters on Sesame Street.
I never knew who I was supposed to listen to.
The humans?
The puppets?
Which puppet?
Elmo?
He always seemed to have more questions than answers.
“Don't ask for help / You're all alone / Pressure / You'll have to answer / To your own / Pressure”
— Strength.
Okay, here we go: “I'm sure you'll have some cosmic rationale / But here you are in
the ninth / Two men out and three men on / Nowhere to look but inside / Where we all respond
to / Pressure” — Baseball metaphor.
You have to think about it.
You have to use your greatest asset — your mind.
Also, baseball: the greatest game ever devised.
You’ll notice I’m not saying we should change our national pastime, only our national
anthem.
All sorts of greatness represented there.
Greatness —
“All your life is Time magazine / I read it too / What does it mean?”
— I think we’d all agree the mainstream media takes things too far sometimes.
And from there he just sings a little bit of it over again and then that’s it.
But those are just the words.
There’s also the music, which includes one of the most instantly recognizable synthesizer
riffs in all of popular music: [hums “Pressure” synthesizer riff]
You think just anyone could have come up with that?
Or played that?
Only this man.
This piano man.
Greatness.
Fellow members of the city council, citizens, I believe if you read the lyrics of this song,
particularly with the insights I’ve offered these last few minutes in mind, you will see
that “Pressure” by Billy Joel includes all the virtues that have allowed this nation
to become a world leader in the realm of wealth, and culture, and technological innovation.
I think you will find . . .
. . . Also, our troops.
Our armed forces, which are second to none, even our coast guard.
I think you will find that this song embodies the spirit of America — the strength, perseverance,
and greatness of America — better than our current national anthem, and better than any
other song that could possibly be considered as our national anthem, and it is for that
reason that I propose this council declare “Pressure” by Billy Joel to be just that
— our national anthem — and I ask that my fellow members of the council vote in support
of this proposal.
Thank you, God bless you, God bless America, and remember, as Abraham Lincoln said, “The
people, if given the truth, can be depended upon.”
[Chairman (O.S.)]: All right, thank you Councilman Jachenhoff.
We will now—
[Interrupting] — Also, we’ll just play the record every time.
Nobody will have to sing the national anthem anymore.
[Chairman (O.S.)]: Very well.
We —
[Interrupting] — You can sing along if you want to, but it’s not . . . Anyway.
[Chairman (O.S.)]: Very well.
We will now vote on the proposal.
All in favor.
. . . All opposed.
. . . The proposal is defeated.
. . . We will now consider a proposal to dissolve the government and disincorporate the city.
Up first to speak is Mayor Highman, co-sponsor of the proposal, who will speak in support
of the proposal.
Madam Mayor.