When it comes to relationships, we want them to last.
This is especially true for our primary Partnerships.
Relationship longevity is what we want
and the thing about success
is that success is always
essentially, centered around what it is that we want.
So, what does that mean?
we define success in relationships as
what we want, which is longevity.
When we want longevity in relationships
that is what we intend in relationships,
and you can even see this intention embedded in our wedding vows.
Most wedding vows in the world say some form of:
"till death do us part"
or some religions even longer.
Please pause and read before you watch this video:
Longevity is Not Necessarily a Measure of Success or Health in a Relationship
Long story short,
because we decided that relationship longevity is what we want
and because governing bodies
and the religions that they used to carry out their plans
wanted relationship longevity,
especially marriage longevity,
that was what was put forth
as a measure of success in relationships.
And this is now how society sees success in relationships.
Longevity in relationship is like a badge of honor.
It's something that people can feel super proud of
and that they can feel successful at
when they tell other people how many years they've been together.
But here's the thing,
hitting you with a major truth:
Longevity both is a measure of success in a relationship,
and isn't a measure of success in a relationship.
Let me clarify what I mean by relationship, really quickly:
This means being friends with somebody for a really long time,
or being married to somebody or a partner to them
for a really long time,
or working for somebody for a really long time.
We see that as success.
On one hand, longevity can indicate
that two people are compatible
and have found a way to form a kind of symbiosis,
that their commitment to the relationship
and their dedication to working on the relationship
has made it so they've created repair to any ruptures that have occurred,
that instead of succumbing to perpetual avoidance
by running from discomfort the minute it came up,
they used the relationship to grow,
but instead of growing apart, they grew together.
It can indicate that they are practicing the mastery of relationship.
It can mean that the relationship is healthy,
it can indicate that the relationship is successful.
On the other hand, longevity can indicate
that for whatever reason,
two people are committed to staying together
no matter how incompatible and miserable they both are.
That in response to the pain of the relationship
in order to stay together and not make a change,
they each figured out coping mechanisms
to deal with the relationship.
As a result, they did not grow.
They are not in a relationship that is healthy,
and they are not in a relationship that is successful.
It is a big mistake to make
that because somebody is in a long-term relationship
for many years,
that that automatically means the relationship itself is good,
and that the relationship itself is successful and happy.
Believe me when I tell you,
people are capable of staying in
let's say, dysfunctional and toxic relationships
for their entire lives.
When we as people don't recognize this
and we see longevity
as the definitive marker for success in a relationship
anytime we see somebody who's in a long-term relationship
we think: "Oh my gosh,
they found the key to the mastery of relationships".
Especially we do this with marriage.
The thing is, they might.
They might have found the key to successful marriage
or successful relationship.
Do you know what else they might have found?
They might have found the key to creating
a toxic dynamic that lasts a lifetime,
or the key to coping with a dissatisfactory relationship
rather than changing the relationship or getting into a different one.
So that you can understand this in a concrete way,
I've got an example for you:
Miriam has been married to Robert for 45 years.
As a result of this,
many people who know them
including three out of four of their children,
see their relationship as a really successful one.
When they were in their late 20s
Robert started a sales business.
As a result, he was gone from the family
about three-fourths of the time.
Miriam was miserable.
Not just miserable because he was gone all the time,
but miserable because when he was there
he was disengaged with both her and the children
when he was home.
On top of this he had a raging temper.
He also had an affair.
Robert felt completely bored by Miriam.
According to him,
Miriam never made any decisions for herself.
She had no passion
nor did she have any real interests.
She was never exciting.
Not only that, he felt neglected
in terms of sexuality.
Robert resented the dependency
that Miriam tended to foster in him
and not only this,
he detested how passive aggressive she was.
Neither of them were happy.
The relationship was not a good one
and it was full of dysfunctional patterns.
However, both Miriam and Robert
stayed committed to keeping the relationship together.
They both cared a lot about their family's opinions.
And here's the thing,
both their parents, both sets
agreed to this idea that in marriage you never say the "D" word.
"D" being divorce.
On top of this, both of them believe
that it was so incredibly important
to keep the family together
for the sake of the long-term prognosis
or outcome of the children.
So they decided:
"We should stay together for the sake of the kids."
On top of this,
even though they were miserable,
they were looking around at other relationships
and felt like their relationship was "normal"
Why? Because so many other people
had marriages where they were struggling with the same stuff.
So they normalized what they were going through.
On top of this, Miriam did not believe in her ability
to create a livelihood in order to be safe in the world without Robert.
and Robert wanted nothing whatsoever to do with raising children,
so he felt dependent on Miriam to be there
and be the one doing it.
Neither of them wanted to face the social stigma of divorce
and be looked down on by their community.
So what did they do?
They committed to staying in a relationship together
and each of them found their own unique ways
to cope with the pain.
Let's first look at how Miriam coped:
Miriam coped by denying...
Denial right?
Totally denying any of the negative traits in Robert
and any of the negative behaviors that she disliked
and instead she decided to hyper fixate
on the aspects of him that she so dearly loved.
She replaced intimacy and communication with him,
because there was none,
with Intimacy in communication
with a group of girlfriends that she loved.
She distracted herself,
as well as found something to look forward to
in a television show that came on every night,
she let go of any expectations of him
and instead poured all of her needs and expectations into her children,
and she took to smoking.
Now let's take a look at Robert:
Robert found every excuse possible to never be home,
he considered home to be like a safe kind of a stable nest
that was always there in case he wanted to go home,
but let's just be honest,
all of his zest for life
was found independent from any member of his family.
When he was home,
he took the edge off of his irritation
with a gin and tonic every afternoon
which he would grab and then sit down in front of the television set
and obsess over sports games.
He made sure to make the children aware
that they were not to expect anything from him whatsoever,
and to go to their mother for everything that they needed.
Also, he would buy presents occasionally for Miriam.
Not really because it made him happy to see her happy,
but because doing so bought him little relief
from the tension that was ever present in their relationship.
Miriam and Robert were not happy.
Even though, if you ask them, they would look at you and say:
"Yeah we had a good marriage we've had a good life".
So, a lot of people say that they're happy
but they're not genuinely happy.
This couple is an example of that.
Not only that, they consider themselves to be successful
and to have a successful relationship,
because they have been together for so long.
Now this is gonna be good, you ready?
Remember how I said that most people think
that people who have been in a long-term relationship
definitely know what the success in your relationship is all about?
When people ask them
what it takes to make a marriage good
or to make a relationship last,
would you like to know what they each say?
Miriam will look at you dead in the face and say:
"It's all about accepting exactly who your partner is,
and never expecting them to change".
And Robert will look at you dead in the face and say:
"It's all about using your head to select a partner,
rather than your heart.
It's really important to make sure
that the person that you choose is financially responsible,
keeps a good home,
and makes a good mother, or a parent".
A relationship has a much bigger chance of lasting a long time
even a lifetime,
if it is a good one.
If it contributes to the growth and well-being of each person.
If it is healthy and if it is compatible.
But longevity should not be considered
the measure of whether a relationship is good or is healthy or as compatible
or does contribute to the well-being and growth of each person.
There are many relationships that are in fact successful
that are not long,
and there are many relationships that are long,
that are not successful.
The time has come for the whole of society to recognize
that the longevity of a relationship
should not be the definitive measure of success in a relationship.
That success of a relationship
should be based on other things, most importantly,
the well-being of each person in a relationship
on a mental, emotional and physical level.
And the degree to which that relationship itself
feeds into that well-being.
Of course, if the whole of society were to realize this
the entire structure of society would have to change.
Have a good week.
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I wanna thank you personally
for the bravery that you have to step into awareness.
I'll see you in the next video.
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