♪ -Do not read, do not read ♪
♪ Do not read these books, these books ♪
-Now, before we start,
I just want you all to know that every book
that I'm about to show you is 100% real.
These are actual books. You can find them on Amazon
or check them out at your local library. They are real.
Alright. Let's see what's on my "do not read" list.
This first one is just -- This just gets the party going.
This is fantastic.
I can't even believe I'm holding it and not reading it.
It is a reference book.
It is called "Land Snails and Slugs of Russia
and Adjacent Countries."
[ Laughter ]
It's a classic page turner.
I'm just going to -- I'm just going to go home
and just read the whole thing tonight.
And if you want to know
what life is like studying snails and slugs,
if you want to see what it does to a person,
there you go. Look at this guy.
"Hey." [ Laughter ]
[ Russian accent ] "Hey, am I too early for the party?
What are you guys talking about?
Slugs? Oh, you were not?
Oh, you should be.
Great party either way.
I came early.
I brought the dog and some slugs."
[ Normal voice ] Let's check out this next one.
This is a how-to book.
This is "50 Nifty Ways to Jazz Up Your Jeans."
I'm all about jazzing up my jeans, man.
[ Laughter ]
This is perfect for the pandemic, I think.
Let's see what's in here.
Oh, yeah, I like this one here. This one's called party pants.
See, look at this one here.
It's very simple. You just glue
a tic-tac-toe board on your jeans.
[ Laughter ]
Then you ask everyone to just draw on your nether regions.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, actually it says -- [ Chuckles ]
It says, "Note --
You should not wear your jeans because the glue
could seep through and you could be stuck
wearing your party pants for a long time."
[ Laughter ]
-Now you tell me.
[ Laughter ]
-How long you've been wearing your party pants?
-Dude, too long. [ Laughter ]
This next up is a children's book.
I love kids books, obviously. You know that, man.
This one's called
"What's Growing in Grandma's Garden?"
And then if you zoom in, it says,
"a book to help grown-ups have a conversation
with children about cannabis."
[ Laughter ]
-Wait, what?
-Never too early to teach your kids
about how grandma loves to get baked.
There you go. Let's take a look inside.
You got some people there eating,
kids playing under a tree.
And then there's grandma just chilling by herself
in front of... [ Laughter ]
-That's Grandma?
-...a locked greenhouse.
-She's like Martha Stewart.
[ Laughter ]
What's growing in -- Alright.
This next one here
is an activity book for the whole family.
It is called
"Family Fun in Tape Recording."
It says here, "great new all-purpose book
for everyone who owns or dreams of owning a tape recorder."
[ Laughter ]
Well, let's see what kind of fun we can have
with the tape recorder.
Ooh, here's one.
It's called "whistle while you tape."
Find out from your guests how many can whistle loud and clear.
Let them prove it by taping their whistling prowess,
then divide them into teams.
Next, hand each contestant a dry salted soda cracker.
God. That's fun.
[ Laughter ] -I used to do that.
-Really? -Yeah.
Got my first tape recorder in '79.
Used to do stuff like that.
-Did you pass out crackers?
-No, I didn't. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Soda cracker is basically the party pants of tape-recording.
-I got it. I got the memo.
-Jazz up your jeans, man.
This next book here is a cookbook.
I love cookbooks. -Oh, wow.
-Yeah. This one is called
"Cooking in the Nude for Playful Gourmets."
I think it's probably not a safe idea, but what would I know?
Let's look at a recipe.
Cream cheese balls.
[ Laughter ]
Cream cheese balls.
-That seems pretty safe.
-I don't even have to look at the recipe.
[ Laughter ]
-Go ahead, read it, go ahead, go ahead.
-Been there. Smeared that.
-Uh-oh. [ Laughter ]
-Oh, cream cheese balls.
-Want to try it?
[ Laughter ]
-Well, we're down to our last book here.
This is a children's book called
"The Ha-Ha Powder."
[ Laughter ]
Just a fun, upbeat book about clowns
that are into weird bags of powder that make you happy.
[ Laughter ]
-Got to be the sequel. -I'm sure it's safe for --
Look who makes the book.
Look at that thing.
Hey. [ Laughter ]
Happy birthday, kids.
That's all I have for this edition
of my "Do Not Read" list.
If you have a book that you think should be
on our next "Do Not Read" list, I'd love to see it.
Send your titles to donotread@tonightshow.com.