- A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE SHOPPING ONLINE.
I DON'T KNOW-- IF YOU GO TO AMAZON,
HAVE YOU SEEN THE REVIEWS PEOPLE--
THERE'S A REVIEW SECTION.
EVERYBODY REVIEWS EVERYTHING
AND HAS AN OPINION ABOUT EVERYTHING.
- YES, THEY DO. - THEY DO.
AND SO CUSTOMERS LET YOU KNOW
WHAT THEY THINK OF CERTAIN PRODUCTS.
AND THESE ARE REAL.
THESE ARE REVIEWS FROM AMAZON.
THIS IS ONE FOR THE HUTZLER BANANA SLICER.
ALL RIGHT?
LET'S SHOW A PICTURE OF IT.
AND IT'S TWO STARS.
"I TRIED THE BANANA SLICER
"AND FOUND IT UNACCEPTABLE.
"AS SHOWN IN THE PICTURE,
"ITS SLICES CURVE FROM LEFT TO RIGHT.
ALL OF MY BANANAS ARE BENT THE OTHER WAY."
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
- WELL, MR. ANDERSON,
YOU MIGHT BE LIVING OFF LOVE,
BUT YOU'RE KILLING THE CHICKENS.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
- YOU WORKED IT IN.
- IT MIGHT WORK FOR EVERYTHING.
LET'S FIND OUT. - LET'S FIND OUT.
HERE'S A--THIS IS ONE
FOR "THE ELLEN DEGENERES SHOW" ON DVD.
AND THIS IS THE BEST OF--
A COMPILATION OF THE FIRST FEW SEASONS.
THREE STARS.
"I CAN ONLY GO MIDDLE OF THE ROAD FOR THE RATING,
AS I NEVER WATCHED IT."
[laughter]
AND YET I GOT THREE STARS, THOUGH, WHEN SHE--
OH, THIS IS ONE FOR YOU.
DO YOU WANT TO READ YOURS?
- IT'S REVIEWING ME?
- UH-HUH. - OH, NO.
- NOT YOU. - OH.
UH... IT'S A REVIEW OF "MYSTIC PIZZA."
WHY DO I LOOK LIKE A NURSE ON THE "MYSTIC PIZZA" DVD COVER?
DON'T I KIND OF LOOK LIKE A NURSE?
- READ AHEAD. - OH.
ONE STAR. WHAT?
[laughter]
- RUDE.
- AND I SAID IT SO--
WITH SUCH CONVICTION.
ONE WHOLE STAR!
"I'M A BIG FAN OF JULIA ROBERTS.
"I LOVE 'ERIN BROCKOVICH,'
"AND I'M GLAD SHE'S BECOME A HUGE STAR.
"BUT WHEN I SAW THIS MOVIE YEARS AGO,
"I THOUGHT, 'WHO IS THAT ACTRESS WITH THE LONG WAVY HAIR?
SHE'S SO BLAND AND BORING.'"
- BOO! - OH, BE NICE.
[all booing]
- BE NICE. - BOO-- BE NICE?
WHY DO WE HAVE TO BE NICE TO "CUSTOMER"?
- "A CUSTOMER."
BY "A CUSTOMER."
- "A CUSTOMER." - HMM.
MIGHT BE A COUSIN OF MINE OR SOMETHING.
I'M NOT SURE DISGRUNTLED RELATIVE--
UM...WELL, "A CUSTOMER." - BUT THEY'RE--
- I GUESS, YOU KNOW, BETTER TO HAVE GOTTEN BETTER.
AT LEAST SHE DIDN'T SAY, "I LOVED 'MYSTIC PIZZA,'
AND NOW JULIA ROBERTS IS BLAND AND BORING."
SHE SAID I GOT BETTER AS TIME WENT ON.
- THAT'S THE WAY TO LOOK AT THINGS.
- YEAH. - YES.
- YEAH, WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS,
YOU MAKE LEMONADE!
- OH, OKAY. YEAH.
[cheers and applause] - [laughs]
- ALL RIGHT.
- ONE STAR, THOUGH?
- THAT'S--YEAH.
HERE'S ONE--THIS IS MY CD, "I'M GONNA MAKE YOU DANCE JAMS."
AND THEY SAY IT'S FIVE STARS.
"I BOUGHT THIS TAPE FOR MY GROWN DAUGHTER,
"AND SHE BOUGHT IT FOR ME.
"WE HAD A GOOD LAUGH.
"I AM A SENIOR, AND I ENJOY ALL THE MUSIC,
EVEN THE RAP."
AND...WELL...
[cheers and applause]
DAWN WANDERS.
WELL, I DO KNOW YOU'RE A SENIOR 'CAUSE YOU CALLED THIS A TAPE.
THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID.
[laughter]
I'M GLAD YOU ENJOY IT, THOUGH.
[sighs]
- [stammers] - WHAT?
- REALLY? - NO, JUST LET THAT GO.
- I NEVER SHOULD HAVE GIVEN IT TO YOU.
I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS--
AND HOPEFULLY "CUSTOMER" IS WATCHING AND REALIZING...
- "A CUSTOMER."
- WORDS ARE STRONG.
FINALLY, HERE'S ONE.
THIS IS GOLD BOND FOOT POWDER.
I HATE TO TELL YOU, JULIA.
THEY GOT FIVE STARS--
- AND I GOT ONE. - I KNOW.
IT'S NOT RIGHT. FIVE STARS.
"I RIDE MOTORCYCLES LONG DISTANCES
"IN HOT WEATHER WHILE WEARING LEATHER.
"IT'S HARD TO FIND A COOL BREEZE SOMETIMES,
"BUT A QUICK POWDERING OF THE TOOTSIES
"AND NETHERS WITH MAX BOND,
"AND I'VE GOT MY OWN PERSONAL COOL BREEZE
RIGHT HERE IN MY PANTS."
[cheers and applause]
- NOW I'M WORRIED IT SAYS "MEDICATED FOOT POWDER."
SHOULD YOU REALLY PUT A MEDICATED FOOT POWDER--
- IN YOUR NETHERS?
- RIGHT? - IT'S WORKING FOR NATHAN.
- OKAY. OKAY.
- HE'S GETTING A COOL BREEZE AND HE CALL--
HE'S A MOTORCYCLE LEATHER-WEARING MAN
WHO SAYS "TOOTSIES," AND I LIKE THAT.
"POWDERING OF THE TOOTSIES."
- "RIGHT HERE IN MY PANTS." - UH-HUH.
- I AM NEVER GONNA LOOK
AT A MOTORCYCLE RIDER AGAIN THE SAME WAY.
I'LL KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THEIR NETHERS.
AND THEY'RE GONNA--
[both chuckle] AND THEIR TOOTSIES.
ALL RIGHT, IF YOU SEE AN AMAZON REVIEW
YOU THINK I SHOULD SEE, SEND IT TO ME.
WE'LL BE BACK WITH JULIA ROBERTS AND HER NETHERS
AND ALSO JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS
AND PROBABLY HER NETHERS AS WELL.
WE'LL BE BACK.
[cheers and applause]