>> HEY, EVERYBODY!
HI, EVERYBODY!
HELLO!
I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I WAS ALSO HOPING A FAMOUS BAND WOULD
END THE SHOW TONIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT IT'S COMEDY NIGHT!
SO HERE WE ARE!
( LAUGHTER ) I THINK WE'VE ALL BEEN IN THIS
SITUATION, RIGHT -- WE'RE DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD, THERE'S A
PICKUP IN THE LEFT LANE, RIGHT, HE'S GOING SLOWLY, THERE'S
ALWAYS A MAN DRIVING IT.
SO YOU GO AROUND THE RIGHT TO PASS, AND AS SOON AS YOU DO, YOU
CAN ALMOST HEAR THIS GUY, NOBODY PASSES DADDY!
AND HE HITS HIS GAS AND YOU'RE BOTH SCREAMING DOWN THE HIGHWAY.
YOU CAN'T PASS BECAUSE A CAR IS ON YOUR RIGHT.
YOU GO BEHIND HIM ON THE LEFT AND HE SLOWS DOWN TO HIS
ORIGINAL SPEED.
SORRY YOUR DAD CALLED YOU A PRINCESS IN HIGH SCHOOL, BUT CAN
YOU TALK TO SOMEBODY ABOUT THAT BECAUSE THIS IS DANGEROUS.
I'LL PULL OVER AND GIVE YOU A HYING RIGHT NOW.
KILL YOUR DAD OR GET OFF THE HIGHWAY.
THOSE ARE THE OPTIONS.
BECAUSE DADS RUIN PEOPLE.
DADDY ISSUES ARE HORRIBLE.
EVERY MAN IN HERE HAS A DADDY ISSUE.
IF YOU'RE SITTING NEXT TO A GUY AND HE LEANED IN AND SAID, I
DON'T, THEN HE HAS THE WORST KIND.
EVER SEE A GUY POUNDING A NAIL INTO SOMETHING AND HE HITS HISS
THUMB AND HE GOES, YOU WORTHLESS IDIOT!
THAT'S HIS DAD TALKING TO HIM.
>> Announcer: THAT'S NOT ANGER, THAT'S A MEMORY.
( LAUGHTER ) THE THINGS THAT SCARE ME THE
MOST ABOUT DADDY ISSUES IS I'M A DAD.
I KNOW I'VE GIVEN THEM.
I DON'T KNOW HOW BADLY YOU'VE AFFECTED YOUR CHILDREN TILL THEY
MURDER YOU.
JUST WAKE UP WITH A KNIFE STICKING OUT OF YOUR CHEST AND A
KID GOING, I SAID TOP TARTS!
( LAUGHTER ) I KNOW I'VE GIVEN THEM.
I HAVE A 15-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER AND THE HARDEST PART ABD ABOUT
RAISING A DAUGHTER FOR ME IS I NEED HER TO LISTEN TO ME AND
RESPECT ME, BUT I ALSO WANT TO SHOW HER THE RESPECT THAT I WANT
HER TO SEEK OUT IN A PARTNER.
DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?
THAT'S HARD BALANCING ACT BECAUSE I'VE SAID CRAZY THINGS
IN MY HOUSE.
PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN, GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE AND PICK THIS UP!
THAT IS OKAY FOR A FATHER TO SAY BUT NOT A BOYFRIEND!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH, YOU GUYS ARE CLAPPING BUT
GUESS WHAT?
DADDY ISSUE.
( LAUGHTER ) SO I BRING MY KIDS ON THE ROAD
WITH ME SOMETIMES.
I BROUGHT MY DAUGHTER TO PORTLAND, OREGON WHERE MARIJUANA
IS LEGAL.
WE LIVE IN NORTHERN MINNESOTA WHERE DRUGS ARE STILL BAD
BECAUSE THE VOTERS ARE BORING.
( LAUGHTER ) WE WERE THERE AND DROVE BY A
LOUSE THAT HAD ELECTRIC VIBRANT COLORS AND MY DAUGHTER SAID I
NEED A PICTURE WITH THAT.
I SAID, GREAT, LET'S STOP.
WE'RE TAKING PICTURES AND SHE'S DOING ALL HER DUMB POSES.
I SAID, DO YOU WANT THE SIGNS IN THERE?
SHE SAID, WHAT DO THEY SAY?
I SAID THAT ONE SAYS, POT, WEED, MARIJUANA -- SHE FROZE AND TIN
MANNED OVER TO ME.
SHE SAID, THAT'S A MARIJUANA HOUSE?
I SAID, YEAH, IT IS, 21 JUMP STREET.
WHO SAYS MARIJUANA HOUSE?
CAN YOU GET AWAY FROM ME, NARC, BEFORE I GET DROUGHT BROUGHT IN
FOR QUESTIONING?
I WAS TRYING TO TAKE A PICTURE.
SHE SAID, I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY SELL DRUGS IN THERE.
I SAID, WHY NOT?
SHE SAID, BECAUSE I JUST SAW A MOM WALK IN THERE.
I SAID, YEAH, BEING A MOM SUCCESS.
MOMS ARE THE FIRST ONES HERE EVERY DAY, FOREHEAD PRESSED
AGAINST THE GLASS -- I CAN SEE THE LIGHT ON!
OPEN THE DOOR!
( APPLAUSE ) I ALSO HAVE A 19-YEAR-OLD SON,
HE'S ALMOST 20, AND HE'S A FRESHMAN IN COLLEGE BECAUSE HE
TOOK A YEAR OFF SCHOOL.
YOU MIGHT THINK, CHAD, DID HE GO HIKING IN NORWAY?
HE DIDN'T.
OH, HE WENT FISHING IN ALASKA.
ALSO NOT THAT.
BUT HE DID LIVE WITH ME THE WHOLE TIME.
( LAUGHTER ) SO ONE DAY I WENT UP STAIRS AND
I SAID, HEY, MAN, I NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO WITH
YOUR LIFE, NOT FOREVER, BUT A JUMPING OFF POINT.
HE SAID, I THINK I'M GOING TO BE A GAMER.
I SAID, ALL RIGHT, BUT YOU SHOULD KNOW GAMERS DON'T LIVE AT
THIS ADDRESS.
I SAID, IF YOU WANT TO GET A JOB THAT DOESN'T END IN-AMER, YOU
CAN STICK.
HE SAID, YOU WOULDN'T LIT ME LIVE HERE IF I WAS A LION TAMER?
I SAID, ALL RIGHT, SMART ASS, YOU KNOW I WOULD BECAUSE I LOVE
LIONS.
WE WOULD LIVE IN THE HOUSE, THE LIONS GIVE IN THE GARAGE.
WE WOULD NEVER WHIP THEM.
POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT THROUGH TREATS BECAUSE ONE DAY THEY'D
LET US RIDE THEM.
NOW WE'RE THE LION GUYS, RIDING AROUND TOWN, MATCHING JACKETS,
HIGH FIVING, CARS GETTING MAD, REALLY?
( ROARING ) IT WOULD BE INCREDIBLE.
I HAD TO TELL HIM.
IF YOU WANT TO LIVE WITH ME, PAY ME $300 AT THE BEGINNING OF
EVERY MONTH.
HE SAID 200 AND I BUY MY OWN MILK?
WHO DRINKS $100 OF MILL INCOME A YEAR?
YOU GOT A BONE FACTORY?
$17 AN HOUR.
HOW ABOUT $16 AND I'LL DRIVE MYSELF HERE?
YOU ACTUALLY WOULD BE EXPECTED -- $14!
YOU GUYS ARE SO GOOD.
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> JAMES: CHAD DANIELS, EVERYONE!
FOR THE SPECIAL, TOUR DATES AND MORE INFO, CHECK OUT
CHADDANIELS.COM.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.