What does it mean to be entitled? Well, I know. In fact,
I have lived with many children who are entitled because I was a treatment foster parent
for youth ages 12 to 18. I'm Nicholeen Peck and in this video, we're talking about entitlement.
In this video, we're going to talk about what it means to be entitled but also what you can
do about it. Would you like solutions? If so, let me know what other things that I can share with
you by commenting in the chat. Let's talk about entitlement, what does it mean to be entitled?
When a person is entitled that means that they are expecting certain things or expecting certain
treatment. In fact, more specifically a person who is entitled actually thinks that the solution
to their problem is something that is outside of themselves. They are thinking extrinsically.
A person who is not entitled knows that they have to fix what's going on in the inside of themselves
in order to fix their problem. This means that they are intrinsically motivated to find an intrinsic
solution to their problems. We're going to talk about the solutions to the entitlement problem
in a minute. But first, let's get a little bit more detail about what it really means to be entitled.
When a person is entitled they often have attitude problems ,they talk back to other people,
they disrespect others, they're obsessed with what they get, what they didn't get how they feel, what
someone did to them. They make excuses for a lot of their mistakes because they feel like they deserve
excuses. Instead of taking full responsibility for their thoughts behaviors and for their
relationships. So when a person is entitled they are constantly bringing this selfish perspective
to the table. Do you know somebody who is like that? Well if so, I've got some solutions for you. Does
this information about entitlement interest you? If so, give this video a thumbs up. Now, let's get into
what we can do to help with entitlement problems. So here are some of my special tips for things
that you can do to help deal with entitlement and help a person overcome entitlement. The first thing
is the person needs to understand who they are and who you are. I know that seems really basic
but it's deeper than you might imagine. The person who is being selfish who is being entitled is
only thinking about themselves and their own value. They are forgetting about all of the other people
around them and how you all are interconnected. So, in our family and in my teaching self-government
parenting course I talk about creating a family vision. So, this is a picture of where the family is
headed 20 years in the future. This vision helps us have something to hold on to. We are able to
connect based on who we know we are to each other. This means that we have to be constantly keeping
each other in mind. So, when a person is not living according to this vision then we're going to be
correcting them because this vision is an understood instruction. Instructions are really
important at our house. In fact, there are four basic skills that I teach my children so that they
can learn self-mastery and so that we can have good communication. These four basic skills are
following instructions, accepting no answers and criticism, accepting consequences, and disagreeing
appropriately. Being able to follow instructions is the number one skill that a child needs because
if they will not or cannot follow instructions the parent cannot parent them. This creates dysfunction
and throws off all of the family roles. If you do not keep your roles in the right place
no one knows who they are. Which means we have a loss of identity and problems cannot be fixed.
So let's talk about how to fix the problems with entitlement. When a child is experiencing
entitlement I'm going to pull them aside and have a special meeting with them called a
parent counseling session. During this parent counseling session I'm going to talk to them
about what I'm noticing, some of these behavior trends. I'm going to mention this at a time when
they have not been acting entitlement. So this is a time when they maybe will not be feeling
emotional. I don't want to trigger them or start them in non-productive thinking at this time.
I'm just gonna say, "Have you noticed that recently there seems to be this frame of mind that you go
to where you are blaming other people or where you are thinking that other things are happening
to you. But in reality, when you finally fix your problem it's actually because it's a change that
you made." Well, this is a common thing a trap that people can fall into and I'm gonna help
you conquer this particular problem. We're going to make a plan for your success. So then, we're
going to draw upon skills that I've already taught them, those ones that I mentioned before. As well as
some other problem-solving exercises that I teach the children in order to help them make a plan for
solving their problem. So, what might that plan look like? A plan for handling entitlement issues
might look like this. We decide that when they are acting in a way that is entitled that that means
they are not disagreeing appropriately because usually that's the case. Oftentimes, one of the
hallmarks of entitled behavior is back talkin. So they want to say something. They want to make
an excuse. They want to tell you how it really is something like that. But they're just not doing it
in the right way. So, one of those four basic skills which is disagreeing appropriately
has a six-step process that they can go through in order to be understood but to do it in a very
respectful and effective way. So, then I will tell them if they choose not to use this skill properly
then I will correct them. The correction will be handled in a specific manner. When I correct
my children, I do not react emotionally to their behavior this does not help them self-assess.
In fact, it begins a power struggle. Parents start power struggles so often, they don't usually
realize it because they're just being frustrated in the minute and they think that showing the
child frustration will actually lead to compliance and solve a problem but it hardly ever does.
In fact, if you have a child that's strong-willed it's just going to lead to more manipulation from them
and a force your power struggle. So, when I describe behaviors that need to be corrected I start
by explaining everything that happened in the situation. So I say things like, "Just a moment ago
I gave you an instruction. You didn't look at me, you didn't keep a calm face voice and body. You
didn't say okay or ask to disagree appropriately. You didn't do the task immediately and you didn't
check back. So you were not doing any of the five steps for following instructions. So I see that
you are choosing not to follow instructions. When you choose not to follow instructions we need to
take this extra time to talk about what you should have done and practice doing things the right way.
What you should have done was", and then I specifically, describe all those same steps
for what they should have done. Then we carry on into the consequence portion of the correction
as well as the training portion of the correction. Doing an effective correction that feels calm
and safe and is completely predictable because you've told them ahead of time this is how you
will handle it leads to greater success than just throwing things at them in the minute.
So in this parent counseling session you're going to review a skill that they need to use
to help them get their way and be understood and then you are going to also tell them how you will
handle it if they still choose to behave in an entitled way. The next thing you have to do is
be consistent and follow through now. I know for some people that's hard. Maybe they're afraid of
negative consequences. They don't want the time it takes but you absolutely must commit that you
will be consistent. People learn self-government because of cause and effect and they need a leader.
You as the parent are the teacher and leader and they need you to point out when adjustments must
be made. Otherwise, they might not see their mistakes and that will deprive them of the
opportunity to make a change. When you correct your children you should have a tone of calmness.
Make sure that those corrections feel safe. How do you create a tone of calmness? Well, you've got to
have a calm skill set to rely upon so that you can make sure that you keep your own emotions in check.
Because if you become emotional then guess what you're actually behaving in an entitled
way too. Because you watched this video I have a free toolkit that I want to give you. It's a
calm parenting toolkit. Below this video in the description section there is a link to the calm
parenting toolkit. Click on that link now and go and get the help that you need so that you can be
calm when they aren't and they are being entitled and so that you can help them become calm so that
these entitlement problems can go away for good. Click on the link now and I will see you there.