[♪]
[woman singing in French]
[Farrah]
that grinds people up into little bite-sized pieces.
Some people just do a better job
at avoiding the teeth.
[phone rings]
[Sarah]
Why hasn't today started?
[Sarah]
Be there in a minute.
[woman singing in French]
[Farrah]
She and I almost didn't make it as friends
because of the Sarah and Farrah annoyance.
I am not an ampersand person.
So, I got the whole school to call her Hurley.
[siren wails]
What's with the EMT action?
The Crotch doesn't even know.
[Farrah]
that everyone fears but can't turn away from.
Some kid who was obsessed with Perez Hilton
started it like 10 years ago,
and it gets passed along to some anonymous student
every year.
[Farrah]
is at least classic.
Central-C.
Rochester-Rotch.
Hence
[Farrah]
The Crotch has always been nice to me.
Hey, Jaynes.
We have police action.
What the hell?
The last update is still the Stacey Moorehead story.
What story? That her last name
turned out to be a prophecy?
[Jayne] No, about her nose job.
Earned her a smoking on the The Crotch HotMeter.
Ugh.
When did we birth the tube sock peek?
Has it even been a week?
- Four days. - Ugh, it's out of control.
We gotta kill the baby.
Call it.
Official time of death,
9:07 a.m.
[sighs]
- [gasps] - [girl] What happened?
[record scratches]
Well, this day just got interesting.
[♪]
♪ It's a dirty old trick ♪
♪ It's a dirty old trick to take someone so far ♪
♪ And drop them ♪
I'm sorry, since when does cadaver-in-school
not equal day off?
And why are we coming to the optional tragedy workshop?
Clearly nobody else is.
Are you not at all curious what a tragedy workshop looks like?
No.
It had to be a heart attack, right?
[sighs] Poor guy! What a tragedy.
I know, think of all the students
walking around unguided.
[whispers] Please, Principal Cowher,
workshop this tragedy in our time of need.
I can't imagine someone who looks less warm than her.
[whispers] Wanna bet that at some point
she mentions her master's degree?
It's not often as educators
that we're faced with days like these,
and obviously, nothing we learn in college
or our master's classes can prepare us
for... for something like this.
[sighs]
And while this workshop isn't intended to be
a ceremony in any way,
I would be remiss if I didn't mention that...
Mr. Chadwick was a valued member of our staff
as well as an admired guidance counselor.
His wisdom here at Central Rochester High
will be greatly missed.
If any of you want to talk about how you're feeling...
[Farrah]
Chisel a bump off the beak
or drop a three-way video.
Same result.
People talk about you, and perception is reality.
Talk to him if you need to.
[Farrah]
[cell phones going off]
Holy shit!
Mr. Chadwick hung himself in his office last night.
[whispers] I hate The Crotch!
Election season is endless. I long for plain beige walls.
[Farrah]
can stop student council elections.
Which means someone needs my vote.
Please, folks, it's an empty office.
Let's keep moving to our classes.
I saw Ilo out there this morning
working Dipankar hard.
He should. Dip's a wildcard.
He controls the Indian bloc and techs half the school's laptops.
You know, I heard Ilo secured the Comicons this morning,
and he sat with the Ligbits at lunch yesterday.
What? What could Ilo possibly promise the LGBTs?
Not sure, but the vote's Thursday.
Don't you think we should make a deal with him
before he runs away with it?
- [sobbing] - [Hope] It's okay. Hush.
Hope's not going anywhere.
Trust me, Miss Theatrics has a big play coming.
I think the question is
why haven't we heard from her yet?
She sent me an email last night.
[snickers] I'm sure I told you.
No, you didn't.
- My bad. - [sighs]
She wants to meet.
[sighs] Chills.
It's just too weird Chadwick killed himself in there.
Did you know that Chadwick's office has a private bathroom?
[bell rings]
[woman on PA ]
Principal Cowher will have extended office hours
for the remainder of the week.
Anyone wishing to schedule an appointment with her
can stop by her office and sign up today.
Can you move your knapsack?
Uh, it's a ball sack, actually.
Supposed to be funny.
It's not.
It's juvenile and asinine.
[sighs]
Sorry.
[slams locker]
[background chatter]
You're always so mean to that kid.
I did him a favor by recognizing his existence.
Let's go.
Obviously we have to handle the situation differently now.
I have been dealing with this Crotch nonsense for 15 years.
How are we expected to govern without secrets?
Govern?
It's not the White House.
Well, it leaks like it.
We need to get this kid under control.
He undermines everything we do around here.
Last year, I spent $2,500 of PTA money
to track The Crotch's IP address.
The trail led through Singapore, Greenland, the Netherlands,
and 10 other countries,
and at the end of that crazy convoluted maze,
you know where it landed?
My laptop!
Oh, that kid enjoys screwing with us.
You know, I really hate it.
Hate what?
That they're smarter than us.
As superintendent, I'm telling you,
we need to come up with another plan
to take this kid out.
If you have an idea, I'm all in.
All right. Let's talk tomorrow.
[phone rings]
[sighs]
Gabe, did you find out who the last person was
to see Chadwick yesterday?
Uh, Jayne Carter.
Will you please bring her down here?
Ladies, hello. How are you?
Good? Good. Great!
As you know, student elections are coming up
and I just wanted to remind you
vote for Hope,
and in case you forgot, I have buttons.
Thank you so much. We need you this campaign.
I need you. All right?
Vote for Ilo.
Maybe, you know, I think this would look great
on this adorable jacket of yours.
Let's make Rochester great again, all right?
Ladies, make your voice be heard in this school.
Wouldn't you like that?
Great!
Well, happy knitting.
[Farrah]
It's not just dumb luck.
To win takes an acute ability to read people.
So, guess who may have been the last person
to see Chadwick alive?
How do you know that?
Just got back from Cowher's office.
Two club.
So, do we have a scandal?
Three diamond.
Seems like it.
Um, four heart.
[Farrah]
stretched her bridge bid too far.
She went for the overkill instead of just the kill.
Again.
Pass.
Your contract.
Let's play some bridge, bitches.
[Farrah]
She has this completely unmerited superiority complex
over Plain J-A-N-E, which is a weakness
in both of their personalities to exploit.
Hurley, stop staring at Y's rack.
You're like Sophia Loren in that famous picture with, uh...
- who was it? - Jayne Mansfield.
You know I was named after her.
She had the Y, too.
Hmm.
Plain, play your eight of hearts.
Ooh, wasted a trump card.
[grunts] I figured the line was too long,
so I brought a few over.
We're on a cleanse.
Okay.
Well, that was nice of him.
Nice doesn't win our vote.
- Vodka? - [choking]
How'd you know?
That must have taken five cases of vodka to pull off.
Where'd he get all that booze from?
Where do you think?
I'll be right back.
[background chatter]
Must be pretty important to get the outdoor treatment.
One would assume you're responsible
for the vodka thing.
N-n-n-no.
Doesn't sound like me.
What I don't understand is
why would you be backing Ilo?
Of course.
You're backing both.
Student council runs 11 to 13 school events a year.
I would like some influence in those events.
Gotta respect the business model, Hook.
Costs you some cheap vodka up front and you get an in
to all the student council-run events.
I mean, the whole deal offers someone like you
a lot of ways to make some cash.
We made a lemonade stand together in second grade.
Not all that different.
So, what did you offer Hope?
The Stoners.
- That dipshit agreed to that? - Yeah.
[snickers] It's unprovable.
She has no way of knowing if you delivered or not.
Maybe I happened to speak with her at the exact moment
she saw Ilo speaking privately with the Hipsters.
You set her up. Very slimy.
It's actually no slimier than waiting to back someone
until the very end of the race just so you can leverage
the most last-minute desperation.
I wonder who Stacey Moorehead is voting for.
You know, her nose has a higher Q-rating than you right now.
Oh!
Just admit it.
You also want the president in your back pocket.
You're just waiting on the best possible deal.
I think you're confusing strategy with apathy.
[Stacey] I suck at cards.
I mean, I lose at War.
The guys at the summer camp I worked at this summer
tried to make me play strip poker with them all the time,
and I was like, guys, come on. This is camp.
[giggles]
I'm sorry.
I'm in your seat.
Stacey, did you lose weight?
You look... so different.
You know I got my nose done.
Right.
[sighs] Yeah, there was this little blurb about it
in The Crotch this morning.
I'm sure you saw it, but I was like, whatever.
Well, it is cute as a little button,
and so natural.
I forgot what your old one looked like.
What was wrong with it again?
Farrah...
Oh, right.
It had a little bump right here.
And weren't your nostrils a little different, too?
I had a deviated septum.
Right. Wink. Insurance.
[laughing]
I'm gonna go.
- Oh, no! - Yeah.
Hey, good for you for having the guts to go through
major surgery instead of just living the way that you were.
Really brave. So brave.
Bless her heart.
[♪]
[phone chiming]
It's beyond morbid meeting in here.
[phone chimes]
They could take the fern down.
So, Hope, I heard Ilo teed up Dipankar Ghosh this morning.
First the Comicons, now the Indians,
and I'm hearing he's moving on the Ligbits.
You're getting killed in the minority vote.
Tell me you have a plan.
I've got the Knitters and the Dramas.
I've been working other angles, too.
Like who? The Stoners?
Ilo's vodka stunt just won their drunk asses.
The way I see it, you need me.
Obviously.
I'm standing in the middle of suicide office. So...
So, I assume you read that the school
- isn't replacing Chadwick. - And?
I want your speech to propose using last year's budget surplus
to turn the scene of this horrible tragedy
into something positive.
Like what?
A private handicap bathroom.
I get losing the Curry and Fag blocs are big,
but why would I go for the Retard and Wheelie vote?
I mean, that's like two people,
and not the most reliable ones at that.
Do you want my vote or not?
I don't get it.
What do you get from a handicap bathroom?
A place for handicapped people to go to the bathroom.
Come on. What's the real reason?
That's it.
Look, I'd love to make you a deal,
but I already promised it to the band.
There's like 20-plus votes in the woodwinds alone.
- How could I just say-- - I get it.
The band's the biggest bloc in school.
[phone vibrates]
There's got to be something else
that gets us in bed together.
Let me get back to you.
- Okay. - Okay.
Bye.
[on recording]
Nighty-night, Hope.
[Mrs. Cowher] Hey.
[Colin] Hey.
Before you, uh, hole up in there to do
whatever it is you do...
You mean homework?
You weren't at the tragedy workshop today.
Yeah. I didn't feel like I needed to.
He wasn't my guidance counselor.
Still, it happened at our school.
I'm not unsympathetic to it.
I just-- I didn't feel like working out my feelings
in a room full of people I barely know.
Fair enough.
Probably for the best.
I didn't have a clue what to say up there.
I'm sure whatever you said helped.
Oh, I know I wanted to say that thing that would make it
better for someone, but when you think about it,
there's really nothing to say.
I'm going to go rest for a minute
and then I'll make some dinner.
I can go pick something up for us if you want.
Thanks. I'm not really hungry.
I'm just going to make a little something for you.
Mom?
You didn't see Chadwick up there, did you?
[sighs] Thank God, no!
Any idea why he did it?
None.
I'm sorry today sucked so bad.
[sighs] Thanks. Me, too.
Hey, I love you.
I love you, too.
[♪]
[phone pings]
♪ I love you ♪
[phone chiming]
♪ I love you ♪
[phone chiming]
[phone pings]
[Farrah]
at Central Rochester,
having the school wired helps.
But sometimes you don't just need to go to the source.
You need to control it.
Saint Hope?
Really?
Someone feeling a little irrelevant?
Not enough chatter about you today?
The Crotch is not backing Hope.
You drew a halo on her head.
Fine. You want me to take Hope down a peg?
I will plant a seed tomorrow, and we can watch it germinate.
I'll get you more than a seed if I get what I want from Ilo.
A candlelight vigil?
Everybody's gonna think Hope's like this great person now.
I mean, [sighs] it's a game changer.
I'm just pissed I didn't think of it first.
[sighs] Pull into the garage.
Why do I always have to pull into the garage?
Are-- are you embarrassed that somebody might see my car
outside your house?
It's called chivalry.
Do you realize that there's not one picture of us
on your Instagram?
Look, do you want an online relationship
or one in real life?
I probably just lost the election.
Can this maybe not be
about your feelings right now, please?
I really need Farrah on my side.
And you'll get her.
Trust me.
Thank you.
Now pull in.
Are you ever going to tell me
how you figured out that I'm The Crotch?
Uh-uh.
What if I tell you something
that will blow the doors off the school?
Now why would I make that deal
when you're clearly dying to tell me anyway?
- It's big. - How big?
- Chamber big. - Okay.
- Last time you said that-- - I know, okay?
But this one is worth it.
[sighs]
[Farrah]
neither of us trusted that the other
wasn't taping our chats.
So, Cowher came up with this chamber of trust solution.
He says he read it in some book which may or may not be true.
But what the hell, I'll throw him a bone, so to speak.
Truth is, I feel bad for Cowher.
The kid's socially awkward.
I see our setup as a mutually beneficial charity case.
How is Ilo handing the Hope news?
Ask Hurley.
She's with him right now as we speak.
What do you mean "with him"?
With him with him.
It's so cute when they think they have their secrets.
[Colin] How'd you bust her?
Find My Phone app.
Of course. You know her password.
I know things.
That's exactly why I had my password
changed twice a day, thank you very much.
I know that, too.
So, are you like, mad at Hurley?
I mean, clearly she thinks she's manipulating you.
I mean, I don't blame her.
She's had a lot of bad luck with dudes.
[sighs] Let her have her quasi-secrets.
Open up.
Hey, you bought my conditioner.
Yeah.
Friends don't let friends get split ends, right?
So, this is what you think friends do?
Stand naked in the shower together.
I'm just saying we are friends.
So, what did you learn
that'll blow the doors off the school?
Guess what Mr. Chadwick was doing
when he accidentally hung himself?
You've heard of autoerotic asphyxiation, right?
[Farrah]
of Chadwick's demise
and thinking about how devastated his family would be
if they ever found out,
walking in to find my dad's stuff in boxes
didn't really faze me.
After all, if he taught me anything
it's that if you don't like the story,
change the headline.
♪ Shake the shake the room ♪
♪ Boom boom ohh ♪
♪ Shake the shake the room ♪
♪ Boom boom ohh ♪
♪ Shake the shake the room ♪
[Farrah]
are precisely the same ones
who will vote with me come election day.
These are the people who watch the doors at parties
and visit
I fully expect some of the attention
to manifest itself in jealousy.
I get why. It doesn't bother me.
It just means they're still looking.
And more important, still following.
[Hope] I organized the vigil.
I should get to decide who speaks at it.
It's technically a school event
if it's held on public school grounds.
I demand equal speaking time.
♪ Shake the shake the room ♪
Is there gonna be praying at this thing?
'Cause if so, I'm a no-show.
Well, I have to go.
I was the last person to see him alive.
I feel like I have a responsibility to the family.
Are you kidding? Is she kidding?
Are we sure that going tonight
isn't going to look like we're backing Hope?
Which we might be.
Social decorum insists we attend.
We're not animals.
Hey. You have Ilo in your English class, right?
Yeah.
Can you do me a favor?
This isn't creepy at all.
So, did you negotiate yourself into speaking tonight?
Two minutes!
Wedged between a harpist and Saint Hope.
You gotta give it to her.
Clever play with the sympathy card.
Yet here we are talking terms.
So, what do you want from me?
You're standing in it.
I want you to use the treasury surplus
to turn this into a private handicap bathroom.
Hmmm, and I'll assume you'll want a key
for this handicap bathroom?
Perhaps copies for Hurley and the Jaynes?
If that's what you think it's for.
Ah, seems too easy.
Why didn't Hope make that deal with you?
She already promised the space to the band.
She got the band, too?
[sighs] Oh, I've been working on those schmucks all week!
All right.
We'll talk on election day.
That's the email that takes Saint Hope down.
You'll know when to use it tonight.
I assume you cut a deal with Ilo.
Hurley will be happy.
You're a good friend when you wanna be.
See you at the vigil.
[sighs]
[bell rings]
[people coughing]
...and over every meeting in his office,
I became closer to Mr. Chadwick.
Not just for guidance but for friendship.
In fact, he's the one who advised me
to run for student council president.
Mr. Chadwick, you will forever be in our hearts
here at Central Rochester.
And I know wherever you are hanging up there...
You're still guiding us.
Thank you.
[whispers] I have to go. My mom just called.
Is everything okay?
Yeah. I'm sure it's nothing.
- Okay. - Okay.
[clearing throat]
Mr. Chadwick always made time for me.
I'd sit across from him and we'd chat.
And he'd never rush me out of his office.
[sniffling]
He cared!
[sobbing]
Let us all join hands.
[♪]
"My candle burns at both ends.
It will not last the night.
But ah, my foes,
and oh my friends,
it gives a lovely light."
- Hey. - Hey.
Oh.
Before we do this,
are you sure we should post it?
It's not just gonna lose Hope the election.
She's about to have her a capella group sing
"See You Again."
- Posting now. - Yeah.
Look, look. You just won yourself a bathroom.
[phones chiming]
[Hope]
and Fag blocs are big,
but why would I go for the Retard and Wheelie vote?
I mean, that's like two people
and not the most reliable ones at that.
[chatter]
I get losing the Curry and Fag blocs are big,
but why would I go for the Retard and Wheelie vote?
I mean, that's like two people
and not the most reliable ones at that.
Isn't power a rush?
I get losing the Curry and Fag blocs are big,
but why would I go for the Retard and Wheelie vote?
I mean, that's like two people
and not the most reliable ones at that.
[snickers] Okay.
Holy crap, Stacey!
I just won the election.
Yeah, you did.
[giggles]
Come here.
[phone chiming]
I feel bad for the Chadwicks.
You know, knowing what we know.
Everyone has their secrets.
Yeah, but if he was into that,
imagine all the other perverted stuff he was up to.
Mrs. Chadwick must have been willfully blind.
Hmm, you never know.
I mean, he could have kept his kink totally separate.
Pursue any weirdness at the office,
far from where he tucks his kiddies in at night
with their stuffed animals.
[snickers]
[♪]
Do you have a key for the faculty offices on you?
Always.
[Colin] Okay. I'm feeling very skin-crawly about this.
Forty-eight hours ago, a man hung himself in this room.
No way! A camera?
What was he doing?
Let's go!
Wait! No. Okay, we cannot take that.
They will notice it's gone.
We'll return it later.
Okay, but...
Colin!
Okay.
[Ilo] I won!
[laughter]
[kisses]
I'm the president.
[chuckles]
[sighs] Oh, I screwed up!
I knew that prick was using Hurley
and I did nothing to stop it.
Well, we already killed Hope,
so Ilo's got the election sewn up.
At least you're getting your bathroom, right?
Not like this I'm not!
Bake sale, bake sale, bake sale.
Community bake sale? No.
But definitely a bake sale.
Remind me never to screw with you.
Female cause.
No. Animal, animal.
Yes, yes, yes!
Okay. Where were you?
What are you looking for? I'll help you.
I'm looking for her.
Who is that?
Grace Ho,
our next student council president.
Music featured in this episode of
♪ Who you're gonna have to be ♪
♪
♪ I don't think we'll be speaking at all ♪
[woman singing in French]
♪ Boom boom ohh ♪
♪ Shake the shake the room ♪
♪ Boom boom ohh ♪
♪ Shake the shake the room ♪