Ah, man.
This is my first hour special,
and I am just thrilled
to be sharing it with you in San Francisco.
(audience cheers)
I have been thinking about this for years.
And I have been fretting over every detail
right down to what I was gonna wear. (chuckles)
So I picked this. (giggles) (audience laughs)
Like it?
(audience cheers) Thank you.
I killed a genie for this jacket.
(audience laughs)
It was only after I cut it off his limp, dead, genie body
that I was like, "Ugh, you could've wished for that."
(audience laughs)
Should've wished for hindsight I guess.
(audience laughs)
This might be bad luck,
which I cannot afford tonight,
not at all.
(audience cheers)
Thank you.
Yeah, I cannot have bad luck tonight.
I already lost one rabbit's foot.
Somebody stole my monkey paw.
And now all I have left is a camel's toe.
(audience laughs)
And I will not tell you where it is.
I can't afford to have it snatched.
No way.
(audience laughs)
Oh, this is so exciting.
This day is incredible.
I just raced over here from a photo shoot.
'Cause as a woman in show biz,
to get to the next level
you have to pose for a men's magazine in your panties
and your men's shirt just so angry.
(audience laughs)
(Kristen groans)
Just a rite of passage, I guess,
if you're gonna climb the ladder,
you also got a jump a hoop.
It's difficult. (gasps)
But I'll do it.
And I made sure that my photo shoot was very tasteful.
I had them blast Tori Amos full volume.
(audience laughs)
So nobody could talk.
And then I mounted a camera on the ceiling.
And I had a kiddie pool filled with discontinued candies
from the 1980s.
(audience laughs)
Just a few well placed Bonkers over my business,
and some Gatorade gum over my titas.
(audience laughs)
You remember Gatorade gum?
(audience cheers)
Yeah, well you're never forget it now.
(audience laughs)
Uh-uh.
(audience cheers)
Oh, we all gotta do it though.
Even Octomom is doing that shit.
It's so sad.
I am sick and tired of everybody calling her Octomom.
Yes, she had eight babies at one time,
but had she six kids before that.
So can we please call her
by her appropriate title Quatorzemom.
(audience laughs)
I'm so sick of standing up for women's rights.
(audience laughs)
Let's just keep this giggle cluster going.
I've got so much to do tonight.
Do I have a 95 minute knock knock joke?
You bet your ass I do.
(audience laughs)
It's gonna start off real curious.
You're not gonna know who's there.
(audience laughs)
Mmm-mmm.
I'm gonna do two monologues.
One regular and one vaginal.
(audience laughs)
My mom told me that the secret to pleasing a man
is through his stomach.
But I have found a convenient detour
through the penis.
(audience laughs)
What I do, my technique,
which I'm gonna share with the world tonight
just to heal it (laughs) once and for all,
is I'll take the man,
and I'll lay him down just like...
(audience laughs)
Just like that.
And then I'll just dive in,
and I'll go around his penis like this.
Just like that.
(audience laughs) See what I'm doing...
with my tongue like this?
See that?
And he's like, "Hey, what are you...
doing?
I don't...
Are you gonna touch it?
Are you ever...
(audience laughs)
gonna touch it or..."
And I'm like, "No."
(audience laughs)
No.
Right?
Just like this for hours.
(audience laughs)
Like a snake.
And he's not gonna move...
just in case something happens.
(audience laughs)
(Kristen groans)
Oh, I touched it.
(audience laughs)
Oh, tastes like fear.
(audience laughs)
(Kristen sighs)
But I have been trying to learn how to cook,
and I've been very adventurous in the kitchen.
In fact, the other night there was this huge explosion,
'cause I tried to combine pasta with anti-pasta.
(audience laughs)
No bueno.
Mmm.
If I were to be a food critic,
I already know what my first negative review would be.
It would say, "The Gorgonzola burger at Cafe Lue,"
Kristen Schaal says, "I couldn't poop it out fast enough."
(Kristen zerberts)
(audience laughs)
(audience cheers)
Now, that's the universe.
That does deserve an applause.
You're right.
(audience applauds)
You're right!