- [Narrator] We have all been in an argument
that seems like it's going nowhere.
We believe that we are right. (light piano music)
They believe that they're right.
And no matter how much you talk to each other,
it just seems like you're never going to come
to a conclusion.
So in this video,
I'm going to go over exactly how to have an argument,
and I'm gonna share with you
the five critical things that you need to understand.
Let's start with an example that I think
everyone can relate to.
Let's say you have a girlfriend who is always late,
and you want to change this.
You may have brought it up subtly before,
and you may have said stuff like,
oh you're late again,
or it would be nice if you would come on time.
But for some reason, she does not get the hint.
The first thing you want to do is clarify
what you want within yourself.
So in this example, we could say something like this.
What I want is for my girlfriend to be reliable.
I'm tired of being let down by her
when she makes commitments that I depend on.
The next thing you want to do is clarify
what you don't want.
What I don't want is to have a useless
and heated conversation that does not lead to change.
When you clarify what you want,
it will allow you brain to be focused on that outcome.
And it will reduce the chances
that you will get sidetracked
by unproductive arguing,
which is common when you have a discussion with someone.
The next thing you need to do is ask yourself
an and question.
How can I have a candid conversation
with my girlfriend about being more dependable?
And avoid creating bad feelings and wasting
both of our time.
One of the best ways to avoid creating bad feelings
is to be sure to establish a safe talking environment,
and to make sure that the other person
does not feel attacked or judged
for what he or she is doing.
This is something that I personally
had a really hard time with in my own life.
I'm someone who can be very intense,
and sometimes, my intensity can be misinterpreted as anger.
So I've had to learn how to be sure
that the other person does not feel attacked
when I am speaking my mind.
In order to do this,
you need to use something called contrasting statements.
So you would say something like,
I don't want you to think
that I'm trying to make you out to be a bad person
who does not care about my feelings or my time.
I know that you care about me and my time,
but it's important to me for you to be on time
when we organize a date.
If you can be more attentive to that,
I would really appreciate it.
When you speak like this,
you are communicating in a safe and friendly way
that lets her know your feelings,
but it also does not put her down.
But, let's be honest.
This whole late thing is kind of a mild issue,
and I bet a lot of you are probably thinking,
I don't even care that much to even bring this up.
So let's take a more sensitive topic.
Let's say that you are not happy with your sex life
with your partner,
which is something that I think
a lot of guys are worried about,
at least when they get older.
So how would we bring this up?
The first thing you need to do is start with heart.
What do I really want out of this conversation?
What I want is for my girlfriend to understand
my intimacy needs.
I'm tired of her just ignoring me
whenever I try and make a move.
Or when I casually bring it up that I'm dissatisfied,
she needs to understand that it is important to me
and how it's hurting me.
What you don't want.
How can I have a calm conversation with my girlfriend
about our physical intimacy,
and avoid creating pressure, resentment,
or bad feelings towards me or the relationship.
If you want, you can pause the video right now,
and you can think to yourself
how you would bring this up to your girlfriend.
Even write it down.
And I think if you do this,
you will quickly see how hard it really is.
But this is what I would say.
Hey honey, I would like to share with you
some concerns that I've been having
about our physical intimacy.
I'm not doing this to put you on the spot or anything,
but this is something that is important to me
and I feel like I need to share it with you.
I would like to talk about it to make things
better for the both of us.
So there is a lot going on in this message.
The first thing to notice is that I'm not blaming her
for anything.
I am also phrasing it in a way
where I am using something called I messages.
I feel like I need to share something with you.
I'm not saying we need to talk about this problem right now.
The really important thing to take note of
is the last line in what I just said.
I would like to talk about it
to make things better for the both of us.
In my opinion, one of the most important aspects
to having a discussing is establishing a common goal,
where the other person can see it as a win
to talk about it as well.
When you get the other person to understand
that talking about something will help them too,
you are no longer having an argument.
You are just talking about how you can make
the relationship better,
which is something everybody wants.
Changing the dynamic of the discussion
from it's me versus you,
to we are all on the same team,
will allow for much more open conversation.
So let's have a quick review of the five concepts.
One, clarify what you want.
Two, clarify what you don't want.
Three, ask an and question.
Four, establish a safe talking environment.
And five, establish a shared goal.
If you don't understand these five things,
it will be very difficult to have a productive argument.
And there are a lot of different things
that go into having a productive discussion.
And one video will not cover everything.
So if you enjoyed this video,
and you want me to make more videos
that talk about this kind of thing,
be sure to like to video,
and let me know in the comments what you think.
Thank you so much for watching,
and I'll see you in the next one.