- I start panicking.
I go, "Something's going wrong with my dick baby."
(crowd laughing)
I go, "It's going cold, then hot, then cold, then hot."
She just cuts me off and she goes,
"You have to lose weight."
(upbeat music)
I love my wife, I wish I didn't.
(crowd laughing)
Dude man, she's a bad bitch.
She's just
She's an honest person.
Here's the thing about women.
When women are honest, this is what sucks.
They get written off as bitches.
But when a dude's honest,
they're like, "Savage man, way to get them."
(crowd laughing)
My wife is brutally,
my wife is artistically honest.
(crowd laughing)
Dude, I was getting undressed in the bedroom the other day,
and through the doorway, I hear her go, "Whoa."
(crowd laughing)
Like, is that for me?
And she goes, "You do not look good naked."
Like,
(crowd laughing)
"Baby, it looks like you're still wearing a belt."
"When you get naked, it's like your body"
(crowd laughing)
"Oh, it looks like you outgrew your dick."
"Like, it looks like your body got bigger"
"but your dick stayed the same size, so"
(crowd laughing)
"it looks like a squatter in the middle of a bustling city."
"Like, hell no, we won't go."
(crowd laughing)
Dude, I was in the grocery store with her the other day
and I was getting this weird sensation in my dick.
It's going ice cold, then hot, then ice cold, then hot.
I start panicking.
I go, "Something's going wrong with my dick baby."
(crowd laughing)
I go, "It's going cold, then hot, then cold, then hot."
And she just cuts me off and she goes,
"You have to lose weight."
(crowd laughing)
I go, "Do you think it's my blood pressure?"
(crowd laughing)
She's like, "No, it is out of your pants."
(crowd laughing)
I couldn't see it.
And there it was like a hood ornament,
Just, "Shut the fuck up!"
(crowd laughing)
Like Rose in the Titanic.
(Bert howling)
(crowd laughing)
It was getting cold in the frozen food section.
(crowd laughing)
I'm such an idiot.
I'm opening the ice cream door like, "It's happening again."
"Oh God." (crowd laughing)
"Should we get baby aspirin?"
"I think I'm having a stroke. No, nevermind, it's going."
"It's gone, it's gone, it's gone."
- This is the only thing I didn't like that I got out of it.
Which everybody, it's a common misconception.
I don't like that she talked all this shit
on like behalf of my dick.
I thought that was like super weird.
She was like, "Yeah, it didn't work out."
But like, "Nice dick."
I thought that was really weird.
'Cause like everybody was like,
"Oh, that's, what a nice"
"what a nice a girl."
(crowd laughing)
First of all, let's take a step back.
Can you imagine if I said that shit?
(crowd laughing)
Can you imagine if I was like,
"Sorry it didn't work out but nice pussy though."
"That shit wet."
"Whoa, good pussy but sorry."
(crowd laughing)
(Pete laughing)
It's ridiculous.
(crowd laughing)
She'll just sit there and
Yeah, this is the only thing
I didn't like it because it's just simply not true.
Uh, yeah, yeah.
It's just not,
She has a little tiny little hands.
(crowd laughing)
She has just very little hands.
Everything's fucking huge to her.
(crowd laughing)
Yeah, it's a fucking joke.
The entire time we were down, I was like, you know,
"Huge to you but small to everyone else, this rocks."
(crowd laughing)
You know.
So you're ask yourself.
You're like, "Why, then why?"
"If she knows this information,"
"then why would she tell everybody"
"what a great big penis you have?"
Right? Why would she do that?
You know, because to the outside, you're like,
"Wow, what a nice lady."
"Didn't work out, gave him a nice word."
You know. (crowd laughing)
"Told everybody he has a nice penis, right?"
That's not why.
She did that so that
She's a genius, remember this.
She's a very smart person, okay?
She did that so that every girl that sees my dick
for the rest of my life is disappointed.
(crowd laughing)
She's a genius.
(crowd laughing)
That's a lifetime hell.
(crowd laughing)
Hold that.
I didn't even get to enjoy my big dick summer.
Whatever the fuck it was called.
(crowd laughing)
Please stop doing that, I have a family that reads.
Stop. (Pete laughing)
My poor mother.
(crowd laughing)
- I did my first dick pick everybody.
(crowd cheering)
Dick pic is a, that's a weird thing to do.
I got to say, the only reason I
There's no reason for me to do it.
I'm fucking married, but all my friends do 'em.
So I'm like, "What the fuck,"
"let me just, at least I can be part of the conversation."
"When they're talking about their dick pics"
"I can go, Oh yes, definitely."
You know. (crowd laughing)
So, I did my first dick pic.
I look back at it, there's a ghost in the background.
So there's a ghost in the image
and I'm like, "I live in a fucking haunted house."
"I had no idea." "I want to show everybody."
(crowd laughing)
'Cause, what are the chances of catching that?
But my dick doesn't look as good as I want it to look
in the image. (crowd laughing)
And plus, you know, the fucking ghost was really tall.
So he made my dick not look exact.
Plus the fucking ghost was holding a ruler next to my dick.
And I was like (crowd laughing)
And I was like, "What the fuck is your problem?"
To the ghost and the ghost was like,
"I was a mere junior, I like to have fun."
(crowd laughing)
So Anna plays basketball, my nine year old.
So I go and see her play basketball.
And she's a sweetheart of a kid.
And every time they put the kid in the game,
I get so excited. I take my video camera out
and I fucking video everything she does.
And so a couple of Sundays ago, I'm videoing my daughter
and another dad goes,
"Hey, can you email me that when you're done?"
And I go, " Yeah, absolutely dude."
And then I'm videoing my kid.
And then I remembered, actually when I video my kid,
I say a lot of things.
And that's always not stuff I want other people to hear.
(crowd laughing)
And I'm always like, "Okay, you got it, you little cutie."
" You got the ball, you're so good."
"Look how good you are."
"You take the ball, pass it to my kid."
"Somebody pass it to my kid."
"I'll break your fucking neck, I swear to God"
(crowd laughing)
"Take that fucking ball to my fucking kid."
"You all suck out there."
And then I was like,
I better not email that to that man there.
So I just emailed them the ghost dick pic.
(crowd laughing)
The guy was like, "What the fuck's with the ruler?"
I go, "I don't know."
"The ghost is an asshole, fuck that guy."
[inaudible]
The vagina fart girls, I gotta say,
still get ya every time.
Everybody, every fellow here enjoys them so much.
Just keep them coming girls.
(crowd laughing)
It just provides entertainment in the bedroom.
Guys do not say nothing about them.
Guys will fucking ignore it every time.
Just because you know,
if you comment on it, it's fucking over.
(crowd laughing)
They're getting up and leaving and that's it.
So you're like, "Okay, whatever the fuck that was,"
"let's keep, let's keep going forward yeah."
I have been face-to-face with the vagina fart.
I've been tagged pretty hard by my wife right there.
I don't say shit.
You know, I might go like,
"Whoa," if I get one of those.
(crowd laughing)
Hey now, but I always get right back in there
and finish off what I started.
You know, if my wife hits me with like
four or five of them in a row, I might say,
"All right, I think you got to do some fucking jumping jacks
or some shit. (crowd laughing)
You know, [inaudible], fucking pop that.
(crowd laughing)
You got, something's wrong.
Something's going on with you.
But when you come back, I'll fucking finish you good.
I probably should.
If it was reversed, let me just say,
the girls would not be as sweet to us.
If there was a dick fart.
If there was such a, there's no dick fart.
But if there was a dick fart, (crowd laughing)
and it would be nothing, it's such a little hole.
The sound would be nothing. (crowd laughing)
Your vaginas, literally are like
acoustically fucking made to blast out a boomer.
(crowd laughing)
And we're just like, "All right, let's play it off."
"Back to [inaudible]."
With a dick fart, you'd be like,
At the most, it would sound like,
(Adam whistling) (crowd laughing)
And you'd be like, "Whoa, what the fuck is that?"
(crowd laughing)
(Adam whistling)
I'm nervous, I don't know.
(crowd laughing)
You don't think that's cute?
It sounds like a little Disney character.
(Adam whistling) (crowd laughing)
[inaudible]
(crowd laughing)
I'm leaving.
We'd have to play it off like it didn't happen.
Like, "No, no, I think the tea's ready."
(Adam whistling)
(crowd laughing)
(Adam laughing)
My wife one time hit me in the face with a combo platter.
She hit me with the vagina to the mouth, up high
at the very same time, hit me in the neck with the other.
The uh,
She came up high and down low at the very same time.
Probably don't know it happened.
One time in 20 years. Just fucking bam in the face,
one in the neck. Fucking hit me hard.
It was like the perfect storm. (crowd laughing)
We don't know, we don't know what she was eating that day
but whatever the fuck it was, she got me good.
I gotta say, it literally felt like somebody opened the door
on a fucking airplane. (crowd laughing)
It was like, boom!
There was debris in the air and fucking
(crowd laughing)
Other passengers were floating through my fucking room.
(crowd laughing)
Oxygen mask dropped down, you know.
(crowd laughing).
But I fucking took it like a
I did wish someone else saw it.
I was like, "I was struck [inaudible]."
Then I hear the ghost go,
"I saw that shit, Oh my God!"
(crowd laughing)
"Fucking blew the ruler out of my hand."
(crowd laughing)
(upbeat music)