Nobody is going to IHOP expecting a gourmet meal, but some of the dishes that the International
House of Pancakes serves are a bit worse than others.
From sketchy steaks to "healthy" pancakes that aren't so healthy after all, here are
all the menu items you should skip at IHOP.
The main reason you shouldn't order an IHOP burger is because you don't want the chain
thinking we're over that "IHOB" rebranding, which was a rather juvenile name change.
Even IHOP themselves admitted it was just one big fakeout, and nobody wants to be pranked
by a pancake house.
Even if you're the forgiving type, you may still want to avoid the Ultimate Steakburgers
because, despite the overblown name, they're just not that good.
IHOP policy mandates that burgers be cooked to 158 degrees, which is close to USDA recommendations,
but it limits your options to well-done, and that's about it.
Also, you have to request ketchup, which seems a little ridiculous.
And the fries that come with them are nothing to write home about, either.
Plus, you can't wash down any of those shortcomings with a nice cold beer, since most IHOPs don't
serve alcohol.
When you consider that the burger options in general aren't even all that cheap, with
most hovering around $10, there's no reason to take your burger business to IHOP.
For a place whose signature dish is pancakes, IHOP sure has some sketchy syrup.
While the standard, old-fashioned syrup is fairly decent, the fruit-flavored ones resemble
cough syrup a little too much.
Unfortunately for most syrup aficionados, there is only one IHOP anywhere that offers
something different for pancake lovers who are picky about their toppings.
When Burlington, Vermont got its first IHOP in 2009, the franchise owners petitioned to
be able to serve their state's real-deal maple syrup.
Although the product came as an add-on extra at an additional charge, it proved so popular
that it is still being served.
"Never tired of maple syrup.
You put maple in or on anything, and it makes it better."
Dubious flavor isn't the only issue with IHOP's syrup.
One location in Amarillo, Texas was closed down on three separate occasions for salmonella
outbreaks that made more than 125 people ill.
Local health inspectors spent months tracking down a possible cause, finally realizing that
it was the syrup that was contaminated due to an infected hot water bath used to warm
the pitchers.
Employees also revealed that the pitchers were not washed or sanitized before being
refilled.
Lawsuits followed, costing IHOP over a million dollars in settlements.
If you're the body-building, carb-shunning type, IHOP probably isn't your favorite place
to chow down.
But if you're still willing to hang out with friends who aren't quite as dedicated to building
muscle mass, maybe you'll join them at the local IHOP for breakfast and hope that there
might be something on the menu you can eat.
So you would be pretty pleased to find the sirloin tips breakfast platter, which comes
with two eggs, grilled onions and mushrooms.
And also pancakes, which you can just bum off to your friends.
You might just be pleasantly surprised to discover that these scrumptious steak tips
are actually really, really tasty.
But then you might go on to discover that those tips are cooked in, horror of horrors,
Coca-Cola syrup!
And that'll be all for today's carb count.
Just when you thought you'd made a delightful discovery, you realize that IHOP has pulled
the ol' bait-and-switch on you.
Maybe it should really be called the "International House of Carbohydrates."
An appetizer is supposed to be something that whets your appetite, like a warm-up for the
larger meal to follow.
But this cannot possibly be the case with IHOP's appetizer sampler platter.
How could more than 1500 calories of deep-fried monochromatic mess possibly make diners do
anything other than swear off food for life, or at least the rest of the day?
The sampler consists of mozzarella sticks, chicken strips, and onion rings, and it comes
with marinara sauce, plus a choice of honey mustard or cranch.
No matter which sauce you choose, though, the verdict likely won't be positive.
First off, the platter isn't very aesthetically pleasing, as just about every item is the
same boring, beige color.
But that's not necessarily a dealbreaker, as food doesn't have to be bright and beautiful
to be delicious.
Alas, the cheesy and fried options in the sampler platter are likely to make you gassy,
making this appetizer linger well into the main course and probably long after as well.
"I have a question.
What's closer, the men's room or the ladies' room?"
Whoever thought up the monstrosity known as the Cheeseburger Omelette must've been a madman.
That's the only possible explanation for putting pickles on an omelette, that or maybe pregnancy
brain.
A closer look at IHOP's cheeseburger omelette makes it clear just how deep this madness
lies when inflicting this objectionable creation upon unsuspecting customers.
Cheese and onions in an omelette are classic, while ground beef and tomatoes are certainly
acceptable.
But squirting ketchup and mustard all over the top, not to mention those distasteful
dills, is more than a little hard to stomach.
Even the ingredients don't put you off, a quick peek at the nutrition data might deter
you from ordering this beast.
It packs in 1,240 calories, 88 grams of fat, 905 milligrams of cholesterol, and 3,030 milligrams
of sodium.
What's more, that info appears to apply to the omelette alone, without including any
side dishes.
In fact, the Center for Science in the Public Interest lived up to its name by awarding
this dietary disaster a 2017 Xtreme Eating Award as a dish guaranteed to quote, "add
a notch to your belt and a blow to your heart."
Could there be a more boring fish than tilapia?
And not only is it dull, it's also pretty gross.
A 2009 USDA report on Chinese imports revealed that farm-raised tilapia are often raised
in ponds where they feed on poultry and livestock waste.
And that brings us to IHOP's Tilapia Florentine.
No matter how much it's dressed up with spices and spinach, "Tilapia Florentine" is still
just a fancy name for poop-eating fish.
To add injury to insult, it's not even satisfying once it hits your mouth, with reviewers noting
a weird taste and a dry consistency.
If you need any more reasons to pass on this supposedly healthy menu item, it should be
noted that tilapia really isn't that healthy after all.
A study by Wake Forest University revealed that this fish is quite high in omega-6, the
bad kind of fat, while low in omega-3, the good kind.
Researchers went so far as to call tilapia "detrimental," pointing out that the average
serving of farm-raised tilapia may have higher levels of harmful fats than bacon or even
doughnuts.
IHOP's Harvest Grain 'N Nut pancakes might sound like they'd be one of the more nutritious
menu options.
But it turns out that all those hearty grains and wholesome oats pack quite the caloric
wallop.
The pancakes alone, with no sides, butter, or syrup, come in at 800 calories a stack,
which is 110 calories more than the chocolate chip pancakes and even 10 more than the cupcake
pancakes.
If you're not ordering these pancakes for their so-called healthiness, you sure shouldn't
want to order them for the taste, either.
Reviews of this stack have been harsh.
One problem is that dicing up nuts into a batter that's notably soft and fluffy does
not make for a very satisfying combination.
Furthermore, these pancakes might just be too chunky and not very sweet at all.
So if it's not great taste, what exactly are IHOP diners getting out of those 800 calories
anyway?
A heaping plate of disappointment, that's what.
There is one place you can get a beer with your plate of IHOP pancakes, and that's at
the new location at Camelback Colonnade in Phoenix, Arizona.
It's the first non-airport IHOP in the country to have a full bar, although depending on
how things go, some IHOP franchisees might just consider adding bars to their restaurants,
too.
They've even come up with a cutesy name for their bar menu: the "Rise and Shine."
Plus, there's a range of specialty cocktails, such as the Mulemosa, the Blue Roof Bloody
Mary, and the IHOP-iest cocktail of all, the Frozen Rooty Rita.
So are these cocktails worth a trip to Phoenix?
If it's just for the novelty factor, then absolutely.
But as far as the taste factor goes, they're not even worth a trip across the parking lot,
even if you're already in Phoenix and cruising the Colonnade.
A writer with the Phoenix New Times tried four different cocktails.
He found the Irish coffee to be fairly decent and the Mulemosa, which consists of ginger
beer, orange juice and sparkling wine, to be tolerable.
But the frozen drinks were a whole different, and much sadder, story.
The Frozen Cookies & Cream made him gag, but the worst of the worst was that darn Rooty
Rita, which he declared to be the nastiest thing he'd ever consumed.
Maybe the world really isn't ready for the International House of Booze.
If you're going to order a steak from IHOP, you're going to have to understand one thing:
these are not Ruth's Chris steaks.
Heck, they're not even Sizzler steaks.
Nope, they're just IHOP steaks, and you can pretty much expect to be disappointed, that
is, unless you have really low standards when it comes to steak.
Don't be surprised if your steak is either overcooked or raw, if it looks horrible, if
it appears to be colorless or more gray than pink, if it seems like it might've been cooked
in a microwave, or boiled, or even created on a 3-D printer.
But then, you should've known better than to order it in the first place.
Comedian Leonard Ouzts performed a stand-up routine on Conan in 2016 in which he talked
about his stint as an IHOP server, and what he had to say about the steak was a bit disconcerting.
"Just cause something's on the menu don't mean you got to order it.
Like, IHOP sell T-bones but if you don't have health insurance, turn the page."
Ouzts' reason for warning diners off was that the steaks came out of the trunk of some guy's
car.
That may be a bit of comedic license, but nonetheless, if you want a steak that tastes
anything like a steak, or at least a near-relative of something that might once have come from
a cow, then IHOP's not the place for you.
"First off, you want your T-bone from IHOP.
That's where this joke should end."
What's in a name?
If that name is something as ridiculous as "Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity," it's a whole
lot of shame.
As in, everyone should be too embarrassed to order these pancakes.
And when you think of the poor IHOP servers who have to say this name multiple times a
day, that has to be pretty soul-crushing.
Maybe the IHOP PR department will come to its senses and think up a less rooty tooty
name change, or perhaps just an abbreviation like RTFF.
Urban Dictionary, after all, has some unsavory alternate definitions for this pancake stack.
But perhaps IHOP thinks that any kind of publicity is good publicity, but maybe they should reconsider,
because some of this stuff isn't exactly what they would want associated with a family restaurant.
If diners can somehow make it past the name, or just point to the menu picture and order
these without speaking, they're still in for a pretty mediocre pancake.
Ultimately, they're nothing more than the chain's original buttermilk pancakes ruined
by a syrupy canned fruit topping.
Once again, this sounds like a case of IHOP trying to get one by us with the old bait-and-switch.
They may be rooty, they may be tooty, they are regrettably fruity, but they are anything
but fresh.
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