How you guys doing?
(cheers and applause)
Good? Me too.
I get jealous of girls with boyfriends.
And I do have a boyfriend.
But we broke up for two weeks, but we're back together,
so it's gonna last and, um...
Yeah... yeah.
He doesn't know the real me yet.
I feel like we're like six months in,
so I'm still lying about who I am,
kind of holding it in like a fart, uh...
Comes out at night, you know.
Like, "It was just a queef!
It's not what you think it was."
He thinks I'm like, you know, just this--
I'm being this version of a girl
that he's going to fall in love with.
Like I'm clean and nice
and I've never done anal.
Like I'm just like this pure--
And I have.
Uh...
Not like a ton, but like he asked me if I've done it
and of course I said no.
I'm not going to be like, "Yeah, I'm a huge butt whore."
I'm not going to like--
You have to say, "Never done it."
And I know a lot of people in here are like,
"No, I would never do it."
'Cause I used to be that way and then I did coke.
And... no.
You are missing out-- you should do it.
But if you don't want to do it, girls, instead of being like,
"No, it's gross," I think you should go the other way
and like seem super into it.
Like too into it.
That's the-- that's the best.
Just be like, "Yeah, we should.
And I think I would love it, 'cause I like love pooping."
So if you say it that way, like really sell it.
I know it's gross, but be like,
"I love it going out, so I'll probably love it going in.
Like get in there, cowboy."
Call him cowboy.
Just freak him out.
He'll leave you so you'll never have to do it.
I'm getting to an age where I think my body
wants to have a baby.
It's happening.
I saw a girl on the train my age with a baby and at first,
I was like, "Oh my God, that's so sad that that girl
like is still babysitting, you know?"
It's like, "God, this economy."
And then I was like,
"Oh wait, she owns that baby."
And...
And at first, I was just like, "eh," and then overwhelmed
by this feeling of like, "I want one!"
And I was like, "What is this?"
And then the girl next to her pulled out a Kindle
and I was like, "I want one!"
It's like, oh, I know that.
It's just I want an accessory that I don't have yet.
That's all that is.
And I-- I just want what I can't have.
You know, that's how I got HPV.
And I just-- all my friends were doing it.
You guys have it yet?
You should get it-- it's going viral.
So get it before they cure it.
It's like...
I love getting fingered.
It's my favorite sexual act.
I think it's 'cause I don't really masturbate,
so I like to outsource it and it's the greatest.
Are you guys into it?
Yeah? No one?
Okay, just me?
I love it.
Lately, fingering styles are bumming me out
and I think that's why a lot of you are just like,
"No, not so much anymore."
Because there's finger-banging going on
and finger-blasting.
It's just like this aggressive thing we're getting a lot
that's just like...
it's like-- is this
Is that what
I've heard a lot about it
and I'm ready to write my Congresswoman.
I am so...
It's rampant.
A lot of you, I can sense, are like,
"What's wrong with that?"
It's, um, it doesn't--
It either feels like nothing
or it hurts and that sound that we make, that--
(whimpering)
That's not like a pleasure-- that's a pain sound.
So slight distinction.
It's just this, "Rrhh!"
And it's-- you don't need-- even need to be in there.
You can-- just-- just--
And if you are, just the gentle...
the hook,
the "I Know What You Did Last Summer."
The, um...
(laughing)
"Here, kitty, kitty."
Like you're trying to coax a cat out from under a bed
or something.
Like, "Here, pussy."
But yeah, and I would just stick to the clit.
And I know that word is like-- "stick," it's gross.
But, um, it's nature.
Uh... but yeah.
I would just stick to that.
And I know it's like, "Where is it?"
But we'll like find it for you and just be like, "There."
It's like "Where's Waldo?"
We'll find it.
Mine's striped, so that does help.
And, um...
And then you just hone in on it
like you're playing a game of Fruit Ninja.
Have you played that game?
If you haven't, I just want to tell you
it's a fingering-training tool developed by the Japanese.
And... you like swipe fruit
and there's a part where a pomegranate comes up
and that's what I'm talking about.
You wanna just like scrub it really quickly like this.
You're trying to get like a 37,
is where you're trying to aim for.
(laughing)
And...
and this will change the way you see kids playing that game
and I apologize for that.
On the way here tonight, there was a 13-year-old
and I was like, "Oh God."
Like... he had good styles.
Um...
Thank you guys very much.
Have a great night!