>> Stephen: GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND, EVERYBODY.
I LIKE IT. I LIKE IT.
TWO LOVELY GUESTS RETURNING TO "THE LATE SHOW" TONIGHT.
FROM "SUCCESSION," BRIAN COX IS GOING TO BE HERE.
OF THE LOVELY, THE TALENTED KERI RUSSELL FROM THE NEW SHOW "THE
DIPLOMAT." GOING TO BE OUT HERE IN JUST A
LITTLE WHILE. THAT'S FUN.
FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, YOU KNOW I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME
RIGHT OVER THERE IN THE NEWS FACTORY, SHAPING THE DAY'S
MOST TOPICAL BRUSHED ALUMINUM INTO A RESONANT STORY SHELL THAT
IS WELDED, NOT CRIMPED, THEN ADORNED WITH FINE SNARES TO
BE PLAYED "EM SIMA" WITH MY BATUCADA AND PRODUCED FOR YOU
THE PERFECTLY TUNED KAISHA TAMBOR JEE SAMBATHAT IS MY
MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES I WAKE UP UNDER
A HORSE IN A TRAVELING CIRCUS, SNATCH SOME RUSTY SOUP POTS
FROM THE FREAKS AND STRETCH A SCRAP OF DISCARDED TENT OVER
THEM TO WAIL AWAY ON THE UNWANTED VISITOR'S DOOM
BONGOS OF NEWS THAT ARE MY SEGMENT, "MEANWHILE."
I DO MY BEST. "EM SIMA."
MEANWHILE, IN GIANT BAKED BEAN NEWS, TWO MEN FROM LONDON HAVE
CREATED A GIANT BAKED BEAN. OH, NO.
NOW BRITISH FOOD MIGHT GET A REPUTATION FOR BEING
UNAPPEALING. THE PAIR WENT VIRAL FOR THEIR
BREAKFAST ABOMINATION WHICH IS MADE OF TWO TINS OF HEINZ
BAKED BEANS MASHED INTO ONE GIANT TOMATO SAUCE-SOAKED
BAKED BEAN. THEIR SECRET INGREDIENT?
JUST ENOUGH WEED TO MAKE THIS SEEM LIKE A GOOD IDEA.
MEANWHILE, STAYING IN JOLLY OL' THE UNITED KINGDOM,
KATE MIDDLETON HAS SHOCKED FANS WITH A RED EASTER MANICURE,
BREAKING ROYAL TRADITION. THAT HEADLINE AGAIN:
THE BRITISH ROYAL FAMILY HAS STUPID TRADITIONS.
MEANWHILE. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
DUMMY. YOU BIG DUMMY.
MEANWHILE, SPEAKING OF EASTER, ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY BY
CONSUMER REPORTS, PEEPS MARSHMALLOW CANDIES CONTAIN
A KNOWN CARCINOGEN. BUT TO PROTECT CONSUMERS,
THEY TASTE HORRIBLE. MEANWHILE, IN ALASKA,
HEALTH CARE WORKERS WERE SHOCKED WHEN A MOOSE
WANDERED INTO AN ANCHORAGE HOSPITAL.
REALLY? SHOCKED?
I'LL BE SHOCKED IF HE WANDERED OUT WITHOUT FILLING OUT
TEN PAGES OF INSURANCE. [APPLAUSE]
MEANWHILE, OVER ON THE SPORT COURT, A NEW STUDY SHOWS THAT
CLIMATE CHANGE IS LEADING TO MORE MAJOR LEAGUE HOME RUNS,
ATTRIBUTING AT LEAST 500 ADDITIONAL HOMERS FROM 2010
TO 2019 TO EARTH'S HUMAN-MADE WARMING.
AND I'M BEING TOLD THE NEW YORK YANKEES HAVE OFFERED
CARBON DIOXIDE A $400 MILLION CONTRACT.
[LAUGHTER] STOP IT.
BECAUSE WARM AIR IS LESS DENSE, IT'S SIMPLE PHYSICS THAT IN HOT
AIR, BASEBALLS CARRY FARTHER. SO THE STUDY PROJECTS THAT IF
CURRENT CLIMATE TRENDS CONTINUE, THERE WILL BE 467 MORE HOME RUNS
PER SEASON BY THE YEAR 2100. THAT STAT COULD BE TEMPERED BY
THE FACT THAT, BY 2100, MOST SPRING TRAINING WILL BE EITHER
UNDERWATER OR ON FIRE. MEANWHILE.
[APPLAUSE] MEANWHILE, IN HONOR OF EASTER,
SUBWAY ANNOUNCED A LIMITED-TIME COLLABORATION CALLED
THE CADBURY CREME EGG EASTER SANDWICH.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK. YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK I'D RATHER HAVE THE CANCER PEEP.
MEANWHILE, ACCORDING TO A NEW SURVEY, GEN Z'S FAVORITE SNACK
IS NOT WHAT YOU'D EXPECT. SO IT'S NOT A QUESADILLA STUFFED
WITH TIDE PODS AND WHATEVER THE KIDS ARE DOING
ON "EUPHORIA"? TURNS OUT, IT'S CHEEZ-ITS
AND GOLDFISH, A SNACK CATEGORY KNOWN AS
"DRY SALTY ORANGE." WHILE WE MIGHT ASSOCIATE
TEENAGERS WITH BOLD AND FLASHY FRIED SNACKS, THE TAMER TASTE OF
GOLDFISH AND CHEEZ-ITS MIGHT BE PART OF THEIR APPEAL.
PLUS, CHEEZ-ITS PROVIDE 100% OF YOUR DAILY RECOMMENDED
ALLOWANCE OF "IT." MEANWHILE.
"IT." MEANWHILE, IF YOU BOUGHT
A TREADMILL DESK DURING THE PANDEMIC, ARE YOU OKAY?
'CAUSE THAT'S WEIRD. ALSO, TOSS OUT THAT DINOSAUR,
GRANDPA, BECAUSE THE HOT NEW TREND IN WORKPLACE EXERCISE IS
THE WALKING ROOM, A GIANT TREADMILL THAT CAN FIT
8 TO 10 PEOPLE. YES, IT'S ALL THE ANXIETY
OF A STAFF MEETING COMBINED WITH ALL THE CHAFING OF A LONG HIKE.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE WALKING ROOM.
OH, MY GOD, NO. LET'S SEE IT FROM ANOTHER ANGLE.
WHAT'S WITH THE PEOPLE WALKING BEHIND THEM?
"OH, DON'T MIND ME. I HATE TO SEE YOU WORK
BUT I LOVE TO WATCH YOU WORK IT."
YEAH, YEAH. BUT IT WON'T BE TOO CROWDED
BECAUSE THE SYSTEM IS DESCRIBED AS A TEN BY TWELVE FOOT
MOVING CARPET. A MOVING CARPET?
WHY, IT SOUNDS SO MAGICAL! [MELODY FROM
"A WHOLE NEW WORLD"] ♪ I CAN SHOW YOU THESE FILES
TAKE YOU ♪ ♪ SPREADSHEET BY SPREADSHEET
♪ BCC THE WHOLE C-SUITE ON THIS PRESENTATION SLIDE! ♪
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH BRIAN COX.