It's amazing to be here.
You guys have been so awesome,
so, so great.
Everybody's been so nice,
you know, I spent my day
I went to like eight thrift stores.
(audience laughing)
This town is like
a time machine, this town.
You guys shopping—
you guys shop at thrift store?
I do love it. I like,
I like the Savers,
'cause they try to act like
a regular department store
but I've never been to
a regular department store
that smells like my grandma's house.
(audience laughing)
It's a little weird.
(audience laughing)
You can find amazing things.
You can get a bowling ball for a dollar.
Actually. You know what?
You can get a bowling trophy
for 50 cents and
just cut out the middleman.
(audience laughing)
My friends are like, "Dude
"I didn't know you bowled
"a 300 game."
And there's a lot of things
you don't know about me.
(audience laughing)
"How come we don't ever go bowling?"
I don't want to talk about it anymore.
(audience laughing)
Maybe I'm In the famous bowler
relocation program, bro.
(audience laughing)
You ask a lot of questions
about what's obviously
my favorite sport.
Based on the amount
of trophies I have
with other people's names on them.
(audience laughing)
Now you ruined it.
This happened to me at Goodwill.
I'm 48 years old
which is not terribly old,
but it's midlife
if I'm being honest
with myself and others.
(audience laughing)
I'm checking out at Goodwill
and the lady behind the counter
says this to me.
She goes, "Are you eligible
"for any discounts?"
And I didn't know
what she meant by that
and I was like, ah, I like to save money
what kind of discounts
are we talking about?
I walked right into it.
She was like,
"I don't know, 55 or older."
And I was like, no I'm not eligible
for that particular discount
at this time
and then she goes, "You know what,
"I didn't think so."
Oh, you didn't think so,
well then who brought that up then?
Where I could be a senior citizen?
Was the guy in the brikabrack
going check his ID?
He might want to say 87 cents.
(audience laughing)
Oh, I didn't, oh you.
I was at the salvation army store once,
there was a guy in front of me
checking out who wanted
a discount on shoes
because the shoes he was buying
didn't have laces in them
and I was like, hey
it's $2 for shoes. Take a chance.
You know,
it's probably gonna work out
and he was arguing with the cashier
and at one point he goes,
"Well I want to talk to the manager
"about the shoelace policy
"of the salvation army."
Those words have never been said
in that order ever
and I was next in line. I'm like,
hey, maybe they take the laces
out of the shoes so the employees
don't try to hang themselves
on their lunch break.
Like I'll give you a dollar.
I don't have time for your chicanery.
Oh, I was mad
and I'm an English major.
(audience laughing)
I was like, chicanery, look it up
and I threw a thesaurus
at him and walked away.
He was like, "I thought a thesaurus
"was a dinosaur."
(audience laughing)
My favorite part about Goodwill
is they have video cameras set up
so you can't
steal their awesome crap.
(audience laughing)
Video cameras—
they should have a video camera
pointed at the video camera
'cause that's the most valuable thing
in the whole—
who is guarding the video camera?
(audience laughing)
If I ran Goodwill there would be
two video cameras
pointed at each other
and people would be walking out
with all of the macrame owls.
(audience laughing)
One of those walkers with
a toilet seat attached to it.
(audience laughing)
Grab that quesadilla machine.
(audience laughing)
It's weird you can't go to a Goodwill
without finding a walker
with a toilet seat
attached to it, used
and I don't know why it's there
but I don't
want to know why it's there.
I'm pretty sure you have to die to give
up your walker with
the toilet seat attached.
Right? There's no upgrade.
(audience laughing)
You can't get a nicer one
or next year's model.
Nobody's like, oh man,
the 2020's just came in
and there's a cup holder.
(audience laughing)
This one's got wifi.
This has got wifi right there.
(audience laughing)
Nobody wakes up
all optimistic going honey,
I'm tired of pooping in my walker.
Well, I'm gonna start using
the toilet like everyone else, so
call the Goodwill,
(audience laughing)
schedule pickup from my walker
pooper today. Free at last.
I mean it's one thing to wear a shirt
that's got some other guy's
name written into the collar.
It's another thing to use
a dead guy's walker pooper,
that's all I'm saying.
(audience laughing)
I like a value who doesn't,
but in that situation
you got to buy new. I'm sorry.
You're not cutting corners.
You're not trying to save a buck.
There's too many
memories associated
with the dead mans walker pooper.
It could be haunted
and then what?
(audience laughing)
You got a haunted walker pooper
in your house
(audience laughing)
A pooper-Geist.
(audience laughing)