"Welcome to "Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend,"
podcast that aims to please.
That's a nice slogan. And pleases to aim.
Uh, no, it was- Uh, hm...
Sometimes you can reverse things and it's clever.
No.
That was one I gave no thought to beforehand
and it means nothing to say it pleases to aim.
What would be our slogan if we had a slogan?
Still making these. (Sona laughing)
Hope you're hearing them.
"Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend."
Conan O'Brien friends a need, doesn't work.
Yeah, you didn't think about it ahead of time either.
That wasn't good either.
It's occurring to me now that very few of those
actually work and that you have to be clever
and think of them. Yeah.
You can't just say, "Well, you know,
time to take out the trash and trash out the take."
No.
You actually have to think ahead of time and map it out.
Yeah. Make sure that it lines up.
Yeah. But I can't help it.
I'm in the mood to keep trying those
without even thinking about it and hoping
that one magically works out.
And you know what? One will.
Yeah, well, eventually one will and eventually will one.
Will one? (Sona groans)
Nice. Damn it.
No that one, I mean, almost. You're almost there.
No, it doesn't, no, it doesn't, no.
First of all, don't get mad at me.
And second of all, I'm trying to be encouraging.
Yeah, but when you encourage someone who just failed
you're being condescending, you know?
I just tried to take my first step
and fell down a flight of stairs.
When you encourage someone who's condescending,
you're being a failure.
You condescend and encourage. Wait, hold on a second.
What?
I'm trying my best to come up with one of these.
We've gotta come up with a legitimate one
before this introduction is over.
Okay. But remember,
let's just put our best foot forward.
Yeah.
And remember, forward your best foot.
No, that doesn't work either. That's not good.
These are awful. Those are bad.
These are bad. Yeah.
And you know what?
If you try and don't succeed,
eventually you'll succeed in trying.
Nope, not good. (Sona groans)
(sighs) Well, I mean, that one's true,
but it's just not poetic. No.
It makes sense. Yeah.
Yeah, but does it sense it make?
Oh, now you're just turning into Yoda.
And I'm getting angry. Why am I getting angry?
You realize Yoda probably said many of these
and just other Jedis were around going,
"Oh, Jesus," you know? Yeah.
Yoda was probably around just disappointing people
with his lousy fake aphorisms, you know?
Are you comparing yourself to Yoda?
No, I just can picture him saying,
"Remember, when you add cream to coffee
sometimes coffee you cream."
(laughs) See, that one's pretty good.
And you're like, "What?" (Sona laughing)
Yoda, and he's like, "Wise, I am, and am I wise."
And you're like, "No!" It's working as Yoda though.
Yeah, because people give Yoda so much slack.
Because Yoda talks that way and because he's like
this tiny, little creature, wrinkly creature
and he's 8,000 years old people give-
Wow, we're exposing a Yoda beef here.
No, no, no, I'm just saying he gets a lot of slack.
You know that Yoda shows up at a party and everyone's like,
"Oh my God, it's Yoda.
Hey Yoda, thanks for being here."
"Good to be here, it is, and is good to be is now here."
And people are like, "Wow, that blew my mind, Yoda."
"Your mind blew, blew I you."
"Yoda, what?" (Matt laughing)
"I'll blow you!"
"No, Yoda, Jesus!" No, don't do that to Yoda!
Yoda, that's disgusting.
"No, sorry, didn't mean oral sex I give.
Try to be clever with backwards talk.
Make mistake, not you I blow, blow I you!"
"What, Yoda, you gotta go right now. There are kids here."
"Mistake I made. Sorry be I."
"Be I, what, are you a pirate now, Yoda?"
"I go now but now I go."
"What, you have to use the bathroom?"
"No, leave, me do. Now I leave."
Doo-doo. "Oh, fuck!"
"Yoda, Yoda, Yoda, what is your problem?"
"Try to be clever, I do, but backwards say hard to make."
"What?" "Yoda having stroke.
No one know 'cause of Yoda speak."
He's right, this MRI shows
he's having a major occlusion in his brain.
He's had a terrible stroke that's affected his speech center
and no one knew it 'cause they just thought
he was being 2,000 years old clever.
"Hospital take me to. Hospital now I do."
"What?"
He's just a Dr. Seuss Yoda. Yeah.
"One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish, I be."
Yeah, I think Yoda got a ton of slack.
And I think there were many times
when Yoda had a few too many drinks
and he was hanging around and everyone was like,
"Wow, Yoda sings such cool shit,"
but if you think about it the next day,
if anyone taped it on their phone.
Yeah.
They'd be listening to it,
"Oh my God, this is terrible." Like he's not well.
Yeah, or else, she went home with him
and this is what he said?
She went home with him?
Yeah, well, I mean, he's picking up ladies left and right
with his like- He is?
Wait, he is?
"Sexy you are, sexy you do."
No, can you- Oh wow, that's so clever.
I can't do this.
Yeah, they pick him up and go home with him.
No, don't do that to Yoda. Yoda was a swinger.
What are you talking about? He is.
Come on, guys.
Are you kidding? Women would go crazy for him.
They would, for Yoda? Yeah.
"Oh Yoda, what's up? What's going on?
It's so nice to meet you."
Why is that my woman voice?
You know there is a woman Yoda
in "The Phantom Menace" called Yaddle.
There is not. Yeah, I swear, I swear.
Okay, well... Did they do it?
Like, is it a thing?
I don't know that they're connected romantically.
Hold on, I'll show you a picture of her.
She's hideous looking. Well, no-
I'm sorry, I'm not saying it like in a sexist way.
But probably beautiful to Yoda.
I don't know. Tell me what you think when you see this.
Okay, (screams) oh my God, oh my God! Is that Yaddle?
That's Yaddle.
"Oh, Yaddle same species as me.
Supposed to be attractive she is,
but horrible finding her I am."
Maybe they had Baby Yoda, Grogu.
No, no, no, anyway...
When Yoda goes home with girls are they human women?
Yes, this is human women.
They're not Yaddles.
No, he goes to the clubs.
No, they aren't Yaddles.
He's not going home with the, oh my God.
Oh, gee.
Look at that hair right there. Post that.
That is me in 21 years.
You're a Yaddle!
Look at that hair. I'm a Yaddle
I didn't want to say anything, but she has your hair.
She has my hair. Yeah.
So someone at Lucasfilm tried to think of,
what's the most hideous look we could go for?
And when they got to the hair they just,
they took Conan hair. They did!
She's got the pompadour and everything.
She really, the same color, the same type of hair.
It's all identical.
"Sexy you are, Yaddle, 'cause Conan hair you grew."
He likes you? He's a fan of yours?
He's turned on by my hair.
"Face hideous, it is, but hair makes me horny, it is."
Yaddle, wear that wig to look like Conan.
(Sona laughing)
"One request, Yaddle, I have.
Conan wig you wear, then we do."
Okay, I'm sorry. Yoda gets so much slack.
He's such an asshole. (Matt laughing)